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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that contraception is not only my responsibility and that I've done enough

41 replies

LucyRivers167 · 02/10/2019 10:15

My partner and I don’t use any contraception. We only use the withdrawal method, and have sex 2 times a week on average. He’s 34 and I’m 24, we’ve been together 2 years. We do want children together someday and I’ve tried multiple forms of contraception – the pill, implant, condoms – and whilst condoms are just uncomfortable, the others I couldn’t put myself through again. I also didn’t have periods for 2 years when I was a teenager due to anorexia and I’m too worried about losing them again, hence the reluctance to take hormonal birth control again.

I’ve told him that if I get pregnant then I am keeping it. That being said, I’ve also arranged to have a copper IUD fitted which I really, really don’t want, but the reality is it’s that or nothing as we both hate condoms. He wants kids but says he doesn’t want them yet. On the other hand, he is happy to risk pregnancy twice a week. He’s even said he doesn’t want me getting the IUD because of the pain and invasiveness involved and that we will use condoms but we haven’t at all since that conversation a month ago. He doesn't suggest using them but will do when I say so.

I know I’m being unreasonable and reckless but I have tried everything and am sick of birth control being all on me. I’m the one who is communicating and being upfront about the situation; he however doesn’t ever tell me what he does and doesn’t want. I don’t think he believes withdrawal to be risky and to be honest, the risk seems minimal to me too particularly as it’s worked for over 18 months now. Part of me also thinks he does want a child and hopes for an accident.

I am obviously expecting to be criticised for this but I also believe I am being fairer than he is. He will not be straightforward and whenever I bring up the topic, and I think we had a good discussion, I look back an hour later and realise I still don’t know what he wants or what he is thinking.

I’m a submissive person unfortunately and struggle with conflict. I just don’t know how to move forward because I feel like I am stuck in a loop. I speak to my friends about this and they just tell me how stupid and irresponsible I am. I agree, that’s not untrue. However, my DP is never criticised – he is ‘just a man’ they say (whatever that means) and I have to take control over my body. But taking control means making myself physically and mentally miserable, when I would not even be against having a child sooner rather than later

OP posts:
Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 10:21

To be honest, I wouldnt spend too much time contemplating the fairness of it.

Biological facts are that you will be impacted more if you get accidentally pregnant. He could quite easily walk away if you got pregnant by accident, as well.

If I were you I would be getting the coil for my own protection. Until then I would refuse to have sex without a condom. Ita that simple

You are both choosing to have unprotected sex. So not sure one is worse than the other.

Though he shouldnt be telling you, that you shouldnt have the coil.

Both of you are aware that you srenr using contraception. So both of you have to look at what the consquences are.

GinDaddy · 02/10/2019 10:26

@Tillthendoftheline said it all really, but I just wanted to say good luck OP as well with whatever you choose, as this sounds challenging to say the least.

I think one way of getting through this, is to stick with one method and choose it due to the balance of what would be least painful and difficult for you and your life.

Right now, having a child for you doesn't sound like it's the correct time.

Therefore condoms or the coil sound like the next decision group, as your current method, while a "solution" to the discomfort of contraception methods, doesn't solve anything as it is a potential pathway to pregnancy which would throw up a whole other set of issues.

Back to the condom/coil thing - there are coils which are not painful, I defer to other users here who will know more. Hopefully you can be well advised and it goes ok when this is fitted.

Otherwise if you really are against the coil, then as much as condoms are uncomfortable to you both, it really does remain your only choice.

I think going through a strong decision matrix, where you rank what's important to you, and work out what you're prepared to sacrifice, is key.

Original poster
LucyRivers167 · 02/10/2019 11:21

Thanks both, you're certainly right that the consequences physical and otherwise far outweigh those of the coil etc. It is about what I'm willing to sacrifice. I just feel very alone, loved and wanted but ultimately alone with this choice. I don't know what he wants and don't know whether to feel hopeful that he wants a family or like he is short sighted and wouldn't stand by me.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 02/10/2019 11:23

I'm confused. You said you both dislike condoms. What do you want him to do?

peachypetite · 02/10/2019 11:24

Try different condoms. I barely notice them with my OH!

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 11:28

Are you using the rhythm method in addition to withdrawal?

If neither of you want to use condoms, then the options left inevitably involve you alone using some form of protection.

Aprillygirl · 02/10/2019 11:30

Good God woman why don't you just admit that you want a child?

Squashpocket · 02/10/2019 11:32

If you don't like condoms either, what do you want him to do? There's just not that many options for men.

Sorting your own contraception is just one of those things you have to do if you're female. You're the one that can get pregnant and you'll be the one who'll be left holding the baby.

Contraception can be shit and sometimes there's no good option. It is still way less hassle than a baby, I promise you that.

Squashpocket · 02/10/2019 11:33

Actually, I'm with Aprillygirl. You're acting like someone who wants to get pregnant.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 11:34

This is the second thread in two days where female posters are using the withdrawal method.

In both cases, the posters are ambivalent about whether they conceive (just as well) and say they would keep the baby - which I don’t think is just a coincidence.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 02/10/2019 11:37

Are you tracking your period and avoiding sex at the riskiest time? I think if you carry on like this, if you dont have fertility issues, you will end up pregnant.

When does your partner want a baby? As most copper coils are supposed to last 5 -10 years

If you're not married and he left you if you were pregnant because he doesnt want a baby, would you be able support yourself financially? Or would he try and get you to have an abortion?

To be honest you say he wears condoms if you ask, and yes his attitude is shit but that doesn't mean you shouldn't care either. Just ask him to use a condom every time

justheretostalk · 02/10/2019 11:40

You sound like you want to get pregnant tbh.

What do you want him to do? His only choice is condoms and you said you find them uncomfortable. Am I missing something?

Rachelover60 · 02/10/2019 11:42

Why on earth don't you buy some spermicidal pessaries?

If you insist on continuing to practice coitus interruptus, for goodness sake get up immediately afterwards and sluice yourself out with the shower.

AngelsSins · 02/10/2019 11:46

As others have said, if you don’t want to use condoms, then what do you want him to do? Or is it more that he doesn’t like condoms and you just agree with him? If so, locate your back bone and tell him no sex without a condom as you’re not prepared to take the risk.

Ultimately, if you get pregnant, he could walk away if he wanted, he doesn’t have to support you, doesn’t have to be a parent, and ultimately, could probably get away without paying a penny in maintenance (hence the 4 billion owed in unpaid child support in this country). If you’re prepared to play fast and lose with your future, at least be realistic about what the reality could be, a young single mum with no support from the father, possibly having had to sacrifice her career. If you’re ok with that, then there’s no problem.

FinallyHere · 02/10/2019 11:47

Look, I would not be having PIV sex with someone without reliable contraception.

Do you really want a baby? If not, how about alternative arrangements?

newgame989 · 02/10/2019 11:50

Even if you do want a baby and think he’ll do the right thing in that situation, a man you can’t communicate properly with re babies and contraception isn’t a good long term bet - how many babies are you going to risk having?

newgame989 · 02/10/2019 11:52

Yes it’s muddled thinking - if you are both happy for a happy accident, have that conversation and carry on, knowing that he will stay etc if you do get pg. if he isn’t happy and would want you to abort, find out now, and make better contraceptive decisions.

Your friends are angry as you’re at a high risk - left with a baby he doesn’t want or facing an abortion that could’ve been avoided. Of course he should step up but you need to force some clearer decision making.

TheNoodlesIncident · 02/10/2019 11:54

... when I would not even be against having a child sooner rather than later

Your last sentence says it all really. So you're prepared to risk pregnancy because your partner doesn't want to use condoms and you can't find an alternative contraception that suits you.

I personally wouldn't put any weight on somebody saying they "do want kids but not yet". To me that's actually saying "I don't want kids" with no guarantee that down the line, they will actually want to have them. Nobody knows how they will feel later, and it's sensible to avoid making promises that you might not feel like keeping later.

In your position I'd get the coil fitted or continue with condoms (there's a good range out there) and consider all the pros and cons of having a baby when the time was right.

PerfectPeony2 · 02/10/2019 11:54

I agree with PP it’s quite obvious you want a baby.

IUD’s are great, changed my life. It’s uncomfortable having it in but once that’s done you don’t have to worry. I have the mirena and there’s so little hormones in it that it doesn’t give me any side effects.

formerbabe · 02/10/2019 11:56

If you insist on continuing to practice coitus interruptus, for goodness sake get up immediately afterwards and sluice yourself out with the shower

Fucking hell. Fyi...this is not a form of contraception. I repeat, this is not a form of contraception.

FlashingLights101 · 02/10/2019 11:59

Unless I'm reading this wrong, it sounds to me like you want to make this his fault, i.e. that he won't "step up" and sort it.

But you also said neither of you like or want to use condoms, and you are reluctantly going to get the coil, but he doesn't want you to because of the pain and invasiveness (which seems thoughtful of him rather than dictatorial). So what do you want him to do? Short of getting the snip (which is a bit extreme if you do want kids further down the line) it kind of has to be on you to sort it, or for you both to agree to condoms...

Your post reads like you want people to berate your partner for leaving it to you to sort, but nothing you've said implies he has any other opinion than the one you also have...

MarieG10 · 02/10/2019 12:00

FGS ...a baby coming is pretty inevitable really. I know what you mean about condoms. Myself and DH hated them when we first met, but for the protection and birth control it's a no brainer.

Why don't you try a Mirena? I have one and it is brilliant. I haven't had any side effects, although appreciate some have said they did, and I just don't have periods any more which...is just so bloody convenient

maddening · 02/10/2019 12:03

Diaphragm?

TriDreigiau · 02/10/2019 12:04

If I were you I would be getting the coil for my own protection. Until then I would refuse to have sex without a condom. Ita that simple

^^ This - though I don't get the issue with condoms - have you varried what you have tried or is it all coming from him?

If you want a child - sit down and have that conversation.

Hoping for the best isn't a great plan - many men walk away so either you agree to have a baby together now or get some decent contraception in place.

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/10/2019 12:08

OP if you are having unprotected sex and saying you want a child sooner rather than later, you are essentially trying for a baby with a man who doesn't want a baby with you currently (so that won't end well).what will you do if he 'think' you should have an abortion in the same way he thinks you should get an IUD fitted. As a passive person will you be able to deal with that? Because you likely will have to.

As an aside he sounds a bit pathetic; the world is full of men who like sex better with no contraception OP and then virtue signal about the fact that they really should wear it because it's the right thing to do, and then just...don't. Usually because they were just so attracted to you they 'forgot' or similar rubbish. He is getting away with it because you are not stopping before penetration to say 'can you get a condom please, no, we don't want a baby so I'm not doing that'

If any of the reasoning for that is that you feel you need to please him and can't say no and don't want to ruin sex for him I would contemplate how healthy the relationship is full stop.

At the end of the day if you both legitimately don't like condoms to the extent it euins your aex life I think you probably need to get better at sex, use lubricant, experiment with different ones wtc. Or go to the GP and discuss your contraception concerns about your menstrual cycle, so they can reassure you that contraception doesn't affect future fertility. You can still have a 'period'.