AIBU to think that contraception is not only my responsibility and that I've done enough

[LucyRivers167]

My partner and I don’t use any contraception. We only use the withdrawal method, and have sex 2 times a week on average. He’s 34 and I’m 24, we’ve been together 2 years. We do want children together someday and I’ve tried multiple forms of contraception – the pill, implant, condoms – and whilst condoms are just uncomfortable, the others I couldn’t put myself through again. I also didn’t have periods for 2 years when I was a teenager due to anorexia and I’m too worried about losing them again, hence the reluctance to take hormonal birth control again.

I’ve told him that if I get pregnant then I am keeping it. That being said, I’ve also arranged to have a copper IUD fitted which I really, really don’t want, but the reality is it’s that or nothing as we both hate condoms. He wants kids but says he doesn’t want them yet. On the other hand, he is happy to risk pregnancy twice a week. He’s even said he doesn’t want me getting the IUD because of the pain and invasiveness involved and that we will use condoms but we haven’t at all since that conversation a month ago. He doesn't suggest using them but will do when I say so.

I know I’m being unreasonable and reckless but I have tried everything and am sick of birth control being all on me. I’m the one who is communicating and being upfront about the situation; he however doesn’t ever tell me what he does and doesn’t want. I don’t think he believes withdrawal to be risky and to be honest, the risk seems minimal to me too particularly as it’s worked for over 18 months now. Part of me also thinks he does want a child and hopes for an accident.

I am obviously expecting to be criticised for this but I also believe I am being fairer than he is. He will not be straightforward and whenever I bring up the topic, and I think we had a good discussion, I look back an hour later and realise I still don’t know what he wants or what he is thinking.

I’m a submissive person unfortunately and struggle with conflict. I just don’t know how to move forward because I feel like I am stuck in a loop. I speak to my friends about this and they just tell me how stupid and irresponsible I am. I agree, that’s not untrue. However, my DP is never criticised – he is ‘just a man’ they say (whatever that means) and I have to take control over my body. But taking control means making myself physically and mentally miserable, when I would not even be against having a child sooner rather than later

You’re trying for a baby, he may not think he is. Just make sure you’re ready for one.

When does your partner want a baby? As most copper coils are supposed to last 5 -10 years

Well, yes, but they can be removed in about 2 minutes flat if you decide you want a baby and you will be fertile immediately. IUDs are good for any period of contraception - okay, I probably wouldn't get one if I planned to TTC in two months, but you can absolutely get one even if you think you might TTC in less than 5 years.

Also, dear God, do not think you'll be preventing pregnancy by "sluicing" yourself out after sex. Any sperm released are already through the cervix and can't be washed out. That is some of the most bizarre and dangerous advice I've ever read on here.

Right now you are playing with fire. You are essentially trying for a baby with a man who doesn't want one (and like PP, with such a lack of clarity you should treat "not now" as quite possibly "not ever". You need to protect yourself, like yesterday. I don't know why you don't get a coil, or why he "doesn't want you to" - for most people it's only very briefly painful when inserted and a lot less "invasive" than a baby, or for that matter a termination.

So you don't like hormonal birth control, you both dislike the copper IUD. Neither of you like condoms. You have discussed that you'll have children together run the future and have discussed that if withdrawal method doesn't work, you'll keep the baby. I'm not really sure what's the issue? Do you want him to use a condom? Do you want to make sure you won't get pregnant?

Both of you are being extremely reckless and I can’t believe you’re being so blasé about the possibility of a life being created because the two of you can’t get your shit together. Don’t have sex again until you work it out! You’re being total idiots!!

Sounds like you both want a baby.

My husband and I use the withdrawal method and it's because deep down we'd both be pleased if I got pregnant again. If I was genuinely serious about not wanting another baby just yet then I absolutely would not rely on the withdrawal method. I'd be using proper contraception and just sucking up the side effects. It's annoying but it's just life. The only choices men have are condoms, sterilisation and abstinence. Women have lots of choices. It's shit that it has to be us that deals with the side effects but this is how things are if you want to have sex but don't want to get pregnant.

As a teen, my DM used the withdrawal method with her then-boyfriend. I have a 52yo DSis as a result.

It is not a contraception method.
It is a conception method.

I put more thought into ordering a pizza than some Mumsnet members do contraception!

Are contraceptive caps still available? Seem to remember their protection rate is about the same as condoms as long as used correctly with spermicidal jelly. Easy to use. Not hormonal and not a condom.

DH and I have used withdrawal for over 10 years with no accidents. It's absolutely fine if you track your period and pull out at the correct time. At least it has been for us.

I understand your annoyance as I also have issues with contraception. I'm allergic to the pill, implant etc and can't have either of the coil types. I've always used condoms and made it very clear to my partners that they are required to wear them.
No one enjoys using condoms but they're far better than getting pregnant when it's not planned and agreed.

As others have already said, you're stating you don't like condoms but not what else you expect your partner to do. It seems your only options are grin and bear it with the condoms or have the coil fitted.

My current DP is the only partner I've had who is a bit lax with the condom use - and guess what? - yes I've ended up pregnant. I'm 35 so it's not too much of an issue, but I'd have been gutted had it happened at your age.

What do you actually want your partner to do OP?

You don't want to use hormone based contraception and dislike condoms. There simply aren't many more options for men.

What's your ideal solution? As PP have said, you WILL end up pregnant at some point, withdrawal method or not. Are you also tracking your cycle and abstaining at your most fertile time?

Sounds like the major issue is communication - you keep trying to and he won't. Or he agrees to something then acts like it was never said.

I say sort out your lines of communication asap, and use condoms in the meantime.

Also, I think men know that if they want they can just walk away from a baby, so it makes sense he's not as bothered as you. Get it sorted!

I know it's an unpopular opinion on these boards but the only person I trust to make sure I don't get pregnant is me.

Are contraceptive caps still available? Seem to remember their protection rate is about the same as condoms as long as used correctly with spermicidal jelly. Easy to use. Not hormonal and not a condom.

They can still be obtained, but generally they've fallen out of usage as they are in fact less effective than condoms (92-96% at best compared to 98% for condoms).

They're clearly better than nothing, but they tend not to be a preferred option now.

People used caps quite successfully for years. The op could be fitted for a diaphragm and use a spermicidal, like wearing a belt and braces.

There are plenty of options.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen I know it's an unpopular opinion on these boards but the only person I trust to make sure I don't get pregnant is me.

Agreed, I always felt empowered by being in charge of contraception. Let's face it, an unwanted pregnancy would have affected me more than my partner. That was my choice though.