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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about February 14th?

41 replies

MagdalenNoName · 02/10/2019 09:00

I know this is some way off!

My partner and I have just started counselling with Relate. We have been together for 24 years

After the first session yesterday I felt - initially - quite positive. We'd had an initial assessment session and my partner had seemed keen on the idea that Relate might help us to go forward. (I'd been the one who suggested going in the first place. His retirement a few years back had made me aware of some differences that we were having trouble sorting out.) I liked the counsellor. She seemed non-judgemental and good at observing stuff like body language/what wasn't being said.

I had a feeling that my partner found it less easy. I think he experienced the exploration as a kind of attack - I don't think it was, but he obviously felt uncomfortable.

Because we both had things to do afterwards I suggested we talk about it later. I felt as if we both just needed a bit of time to reflect individually anyway

So last evening I asked if there was stuff he wanted to say to me. (I didn't want to launch in and talk 'at' him, if you see what I mean.)

He brought up something I'd said about issues that had come up before he retired. In the session he mentioned a Valentine's Day when, because he'd been very preoccupied with the demands of his job, he'd completely forgotten this was coming up. I had been struggling with how busy he was and when I realised that he'd not remembered the day or to buy me card, I had been very upset. (I simply felt like a provider of goods and services who was taken for granted.)

Anyway, that's what he wanted to bring up last night. He said that he'd only forgotten the day once. I'd said no, it happened twice. There'd been another occasion a few years later when he'd been even more absorbed in his own affairs and I'd been even more upset.

He then pointed out that since we'd got together he'd never failed to remember to mark my birthday, Christmas and our anniversary - as well as marking the other Valentines day. He - these were his exact words - had remembered to do the right thing on 89 out of 91 occasions. Shouldn't he be given credit for that?

I'd hope that he would say something about other aspects of the counselling - as if the counsellor (or I) had said something that had given him cause to reflect.

So I suppose that made me want to ask people how they felt about marking/remembering Valentines Day. I do agree it's become very commercialised and I really don't want bouquets/ booze/ a night out/lots of tat with hearts on. But I do value a card just as a kind of acknowledgement of the relationship - and have always bought him one since we first got together..

OP posts:
OtraCosaMariposa · 02/10/2019 09:05

when I realised that he'd not remembered the day or to buy me card, I had been very upset.

But you have to realise that not everyone puts the same emphasis on Valentine's Day as you do. Obviously it's not important to your DH and that doesn't mean he's wrong and you're right. You have mismatched expectations. DH and I don't do it either. We've been together about 25 years and I don't think I've ever bought a card.

WaterSheep · 02/10/2019 09:06

I think remembering the other more personal events and milestones, such as birthdays and anniversaries is much more important than valentines day.

But then I also find the concept of valentines day a strange one. Why do people feel the need to celebrate an arbitrary day by buying cards, flowers and red / pink tat, just because the media and society tell them to.

Frangipane · 02/10/2019 09:06

I couldn't care less about it and try to dissuade my dh from bothering though he still usually buys me a card or some chocolate. It wouldn't upset me at all if he forgot. Ditto anniversaries except I do remind him of those and we mark special ones, but not with gifts or cards.

I can see it is important to you but I am on the side of your do here.

Frangipane · 02/10/2019 09:08

dp

Paintedmaypole · 02/10/2019 09:09

I couldn't care less about it either. Does he take you for granted in other ways?

Mintypea5 · 02/10/2019 09:13

We got married early Feb so don't bother with valentines. One thing to celebrate in Feb is enough! Even then our anniversary is low key just a card and maybe a take away? Dinner if we can find a baby sitter Smile

mistermagpie · 02/10/2019 09:13

Whether he places importance on it or not, the OP does and he must have known that if they've been together for years. Did you bring Valentine's Day up in the counselling session op?

I can never understand people forgetting Valentine's Day, there is stuff all over every supermarket advertising it for weeks before, if anything it's easier to forget a birthday.

If anything though, I'd be more troubled that he counted up the 91 occasions in order to make his point. He sounds like a petty man.

Arrowfanatic · 02/10/2019 09:16

Meh, valentines day is pretty pointless imo & we have only "celebrated" it once in 14 years (and that was our first one together). I dont want a card that just ends up in the recycling, flowers are nice but he buys them other times of year for me so not exactly specific to that day. Restaurants are always overpriced so we dont waste money there either.

I'm with your DP that birthdays and anniversaries are more important than a commercialised day like valentines..

Grannybags · 02/10/2019 09:20

DH and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day and don’t send cards etc for our anniversary. We do have ‘date nights’ occasionally and buy little presents just because.
Is that all he got from the session? He seems a bit defensive - working out how many times he remembered suggests he feels quite strongly about it.

IAmALazyArse · 02/10/2019 09:20

It's twice in 24 years. It's not like he doesn't care about you. He remembers all the really important personal ones. I once forgot my own birthday when I was REALLY busy and stressed at workBlush And I actually like my birthday! I just haven't realised what the date was until DH wished me happy birthday...

We don't do valentine's at all. Mix of we don't care and worked in hospitality so never got a day off...

colourlessgreenidea · 02/10/2019 09:22

So I suppose that made me want to ask people how they felt about marking/remembering Valentines Day.

I think it’s utter shite - I cannot fathom the ‘heartfelt meaning’ that is supposedly attached to an ‘event’ that is promoted purely because it’s a money-making venture.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 02/10/2019 09:29

Haven’t acknowledged it at all, with anyone, for at least 20 years (I’m 40). It’s a load of made up bollocks, isn’t it?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/10/2019 09:30

My fiancé and I talk about what we're doing before the date - usually when the adverts start in January! We agree then if we're doing cards/booking a table somewhere at some point in February/ignoring it. Usually the latter. That way, everyone knows what is happening.

If he's remember 89/91 events and all birthdays and anniversaries, I think he's done pretty well... did the counsellor explore any underlying reasons that you might feel so unimportant and unappreciated? I suspect that'd be more productive than talking to him about forgetting two Valentines Days over many years. He's just going to get defensive at that, which he has.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 02/10/2019 09:30

I think he is being defensive and petty to justify his selfishness.

Rezie · 02/10/2019 09:31

I don't care about valentines day and we don't celebrate it at all. But I think it's irrelevant. It is important to OP and her husband knows it (Or should at least) and therefore he should make the effort since it is important to her. Op also should consider why valentines is important and communicate why she was upset. she does mentioned about feeling taken for granted which is the core of the problem..

ThePallidBustOfPallas · 02/10/2019 09:32

You sound like frightfully hard work.

Valentine's Day is a load of bullshit anyway. 35 years married and never once have either of us even mentioned it. I feel sorry for your DP if you're really bearing a lifelong grudge over this. It's ridiculous.

SilverChime · 02/10/2019 09:33

Valentines is a holiday made up by the card manufacturers. People don’t always remember stuff - my own father forgets my birthday (and his own) every year. Perhaps you should set up a shared calendar and add reminders for things you want him to remember?

KUGA · 02/10/2019 09:33

It`s a big thing in our house but only because we married on that date in 2015.
And it was a lovely day.

IAmALazyArse · 02/10/2019 09:36

I suspect that'd be more productive than talking to him about forgetting two Valentines Days over many years.

Absolutely agree with that

IAmALazyArse · 02/10/2019 09:37

did the counsellor explore any underlying reasons that you might feel so unimportant and unappreciated. I suspect that'd be more productive than talking to him about forgetting two Valentines Days over many years.

Sorry! Missed the most important part. Absolutely agree with this.

AmIThough · 02/10/2019 09:43

I think YABVU.

My DP is shit with any kind of celebration.
He didn't buy me a birthday card from DD on my first birthday as a mommy.

Fortunately he told me the night before that he hadn't got me a card - I said what about from DD? He rushed out to buy one and apologised profusely.

That really upset me but wouldn't be worth bringing up in counselling when there are a million things he's fantastic with.

If all you've got to moan about is two Valentines days, which in the grand scheme of things are completely irrelevant, I think you're pretty darn lucky.

ilovesooty · 02/10/2019 09:44

No one's right or wrong about it. You seem to have different expectations and perceptions of your relationship.

WaxOnFeckOff · 02/10/2019 09:58

We don't do valentines and never have, I suppose if it was important to me and I'd made that clear to DH then I'd expect him to make an effort but I'd also be understanding if there was a particular reason he'd forgotten.

Brefugee · 02/10/2019 10:00

I think the point is rather that the OP feels that the meeting was from her pov productive, but her DH's only take-away from it was that he once (or twice) forgot Valentine's day and that it's not worth having couples therapy for that since he hasn't forgotton the other 89 things?

Who brought up Valentine's Day, OP? I think that's important too.

The point not being if Valentine's Day is shit or not but that if one of a couple places huge importance on it, the other needs to acknowledge that they do, even if they personally don't. Also that it looks here as though OP and her DP both got a completely different impression of the councelling session.

AmIThough · 02/10/2019 10:03

@Brefugee that makes much more sense Grin
In that case I think it has been a productive session, hasn't it? If that's the only thing that he's seen as unreasonable in the whole session.