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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about February 14th?

41 replies

MagdalenNoName · 02/10/2019 09:00

I know this is some way off!

My partner and I have just started counselling with Relate. We have been together for 24 years

After the first session yesterday I felt - initially - quite positive. We'd had an initial assessment session and my partner had seemed keen on the idea that Relate might help us to go forward. (I'd been the one who suggested going in the first place. His retirement a few years back had made me aware of some differences that we were having trouble sorting out.) I liked the counsellor. She seemed non-judgemental and good at observing stuff like body language/what wasn't being said.

I had a feeling that my partner found it less easy. I think he experienced the exploration as a kind of attack - I don't think it was, but he obviously felt uncomfortable.

Because we both had things to do afterwards I suggested we talk about it later. I felt as if we both just needed a bit of time to reflect individually anyway

So last evening I asked if there was stuff he wanted to say to me. (I didn't want to launch in and talk 'at' him, if you see what I mean.)

He brought up something I'd said about issues that had come up before he retired. In the session he mentioned a Valentine's Day when, because he'd been very preoccupied with the demands of his job, he'd completely forgotten this was coming up. I had been struggling with how busy he was and when I realised that he'd not remembered the day or to buy me card, I had been very upset. (I simply felt like a provider of goods and services who was taken for granted.)

Anyway, that's what he wanted to bring up last night. He said that he'd only forgotten the day once. I'd said no, it happened twice. There'd been another occasion a few years later when he'd been even more absorbed in his own affairs and I'd been even more upset.

He then pointed out that since we'd got together he'd never failed to remember to mark my birthday, Christmas and our anniversary - as well as marking the other Valentines day. He - these were his exact words - had remembered to do the right thing on 89 out of 91 occasions. Shouldn't he be given credit for that?

I'd hope that he would say something about other aspects of the counselling - as if the counsellor (or I) had said something that had given him cause to reflect.

So I suppose that made me want to ask people how they felt about marking/remembering Valentines Day. I do agree it's become very commercialised and I really don't want bouquets/ booze/ a night out/lots of tat with hearts on. But I do value a card just as a kind of acknowledgement of the relationship - and have always bought him one since we first got together..

OP posts:

ILiveInSalemsLot · 02/10/2019 10:10

I think if you feel loved and valued by your partner then Valentine’s Day probably is fairly insignificant.
We used to make a deal of it when we were younger but aren’t too bothered by it now.
We might have some nice food and dh sometimes buys me chocolates if he remembers but it’s not a big thing.

Brefugee · 02/10/2019 10:21

I'd agree, AmIThrough if they both think that was the worst thing that came out of it.

Although i guess that the OP has a different take on it.

I hope, OP, you get to a second session where maybe the therapist could highlight the kind of benefits this kind of therapy can have? After 24 years I'm guessing one of the relationship does have something they need to get off their chest and the other doesn't-

SimonJT · 02/10/2019 10:30

I don’t personally celebrate valentines day, I don’t need a certain day to show someone I love them, that’s something I do everyday.

Maybe you need to explore in the sessions why you have put so much importance on something so small.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 02/10/2019 10:37

He's probably focussing on the Valentine's Day thing as part of a bigger reflection on the counselling session. This was your first session, so a chance to get the big stuff out on the table. And what comes up is that, on two occasions, where he was stressed, under pressure and grappling with some big stuff, he forgot to get a card for a commercialised 'holiday'. He probably needed support at those times, but what he actually got was a big black mark on the OP's internal score card.

So now he's sat there in counselling, thinking "this is it? This is the stuff she's angry about? Kinda petty, no? Where was my support when I needed it? Where is the acknowledgement that I have consistently done the right thing, but forgot something just twice in all these years, when I was having a hard time? How am I the bad guy here?"

Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 10:39

I don't think it matters if other people find Feb 14th important or not. I don't, dp does. So I get him a card.

But I will be honest if someone got incredibly upset that I forgot it. Especially when I remember all the other events, especially when it was at times I had other stuff going on, I would be annoyed.

Especially if they brought it up at counselling months or years later. I would feel they didnt really care what was happening in my life, my stressors, but held against me that at a difficult time I didnt buy them a card.

onanothertrain · 02/10/2019 10:41

He forgot one day twice in 24 years because he was stressed with work. I think your reactions were ridiculous.

LifeSpectator · 02/10/2019 10:58

I totally agree with @Tilltheendoftheline above comments.

Brefugee · 02/10/2019 11:28

Well, that is what he may have got out of the session but that's not really what he said to OP, and I'm guessing if that is what he wanted to say, uncomfortable or not, it is the kind of answer OP was looking for (and why they're going to councelling?)

Because I'm also going to take a punt and guess that the reason OP wants the councelling isn't because 2 cards didn't turn up on a day which has importance to her, since the DH has come up with cards on all the other occasions she places value on. So I'm guessing asking about the session then being peeved that he focussed on the 2 cards is somewhat missing the point.

(even though lack of support for DH during stressful times is a total legit thing for him to be upset about)

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 02/10/2019 11:37

I personally couldn't give a shit about Valentines Day and never expect anything (nor do I give my partner anything either!)

but I guess if it's important to you I can see why you would be hurt by his forgetting.

That said, I also take his point that he's only forgotten twice and has remembered all the other stuff so maybe you should cut him some slack?

Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 12:13

So I'm guessing asking about the session then being peeved that he focussed on the 2 cards is somewhat missing the point.

On the other hand, it could show that neither of them communicate well.

If this came up during the counselling session, it probably stuck in his mind. Because it's been a while, she was very upset at the time and moved on, it was 2 occasions our of loads when he was stressed and she is bringing it up, yet again.

It may have stuck out to him because that may be one of his issues. That OP focusses on what he doesnt do and nor what he does do. Or that she wont let stuff go. Or she doesnr ever give him some slack.

I dont think in counselling anyone can say the other is missing the point. They have had one session. This may represent a bigger issue to him, just like the 2 occasions represent a bigger issue to her.

What he took away from the session isn't missing the point, anymore than the OP is by saying 'do people think valentine's day isnt important', is missing his point.

Original poster

MagdalenNoName · 02/10/2019 12:14

I think for me the point is that I was very aware of job-related pressures. So I was doing the housework, the shopping, the washing- and there was a lot of it at times with two bedwetting stepchildren, the wifework, my own part-time job. On the second occasion when he'd forgotten my husband had actually retired but become obessesed with a new hobby business. So I was being the supportive wife but wanted some small token that indicated I was someone who was loved - not just a provider of goods and services.

The first forgetting was something I mentioned briefly in the session to indicate that there were times before my husband's retirement - which is what has caused the major upheaval in our relationship - when I sometimes felt taken for granted.

But my husband then seemed to brood on this afterwards as an instance of my unfairness/unreasonable expectations - and was totting up the sums - to prove he really was a thoughtful guy.

Since I originally posted we have continued the conversation about the counselling session, in a way that's been more protective

OP posts:

Original poster

MagdalenNoName · 02/10/2019 12:14

I mean productive, not protective...

OP posts:

Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 12:23

Sometimes you feel taken for granted.

Personally I think that's life if its occassionally, or one offs here and there.

I am sure there have been times he feels taken for granted. After all, who of us are perfect.

I suppose he could be feeling that you have stored stuff up and keep a mental note to complain about things long past, he is trying to to out the point of view of 'yes I know I forgot. But you dont pay attention to all the times I dont'

I dont think he is missing the point. I think he is working through how he feels. You used the valentinea card as an example. He used all the other occasions as an example of how he feels.

Paintedmaypole · 02/10/2019 12:31

It sounds as if you do feel unappreciated and taken for granted. If you go back to counselling I would focus on that. It looks petty to focus on forgotten "special days". It is more about yoiur relatioship day to day. It may be that you have reason to feel that you are low priority for him or your expectations may be too high. That needs exploring, but complaining about fairly trivial things will make it appear that it is the latter.

WaxOnFeckOff · 02/10/2019 12:43

Glad to hear it's going more productivity OP. You've sort of made the point I was going to in that whilst people put different importance on things such as cards etc it's about feeling appreciated. I'd far rather that DH came and removed spiders at my bidding than sent me a valentines card and he does so I'm happy. Equally I've pointed out to him (when he's been a bit needy) that I show my love for him every day by my actions and he appreciated that that is true.

It's not good when you don't feel valued and its important to establish how that value can be expressed.

The spider thing was a bit of a key point in our marriage. DH used to moan about it and tell me to get over it etc. One day I just asked him what else I asked of him in our relationship, the answer of course was nothing really. I've always been strong, independent and don't ask for much. Now, as soon as I mention it, he happily goes and deals with it with no moan or gripe at all. That's really all I need :). All he needs is an ocassional unsolicited hug, I'm not a physically affectionate person, but I get that he is so I make the effort.

I hope you get some good progress.

Toastymash · 02/10/2019 12:52

I would feel quite put out if my DH didn't get me a card for Valentine's Day and I had gotten him one, but I really don't think it's much of a big deal. Certainly nothing to argue over or harbour resentment. It's not a day that's personal to your relationship.

Forgetting anniversaries and birthdays would be a big deal to me. Valentine's Day is a bit meh.

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