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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS and giving a shit

54 replies

coffecupempty · 01/10/2019 22:16

I'm feeling a little hurt. It's my 40th bday coming up and DS1 22 has asked my to send him ideas. My thought was a nice bracelet keepsake something a bit special that my children have bought me. I've sent him some ideas. Between £100-£135 he could ask his brother (DS2 19) to go halves, chip in. They both work - DS1 has two jobs, this is the thing that hurts, he gambles, he brags about his winnings and is honest with his losses. He gambles more than £150 a month. He has also went on a spending spree yesterday and must of spent over £400 on clothes, which is fine his money can do what he wants. I don't begrudge that at all. Now he says I've picked things that are way too expensive, and he hasn't got any money. He new my bday was coming up he also thinks it's a special bday.

He still lives at home, I cook his meals etc he begrudgingly pays me £100 rent. I hate him gambling and I've expressed my concerns.

AIBU to feel a little hurt ?

OP posts:
Tonnerre · 01/10/2019 23:34

Certainly time to pay his rent and/or stop cooking for him. Likewise if you do his washing, stop now.

WonderWomansSpin · 01/10/2019 23:35

Are there any other relatives that could have a word with him about it? eg an uncle, a gran. He's been awful to you but I wonder if he'd be able to maintain that selfishness talking to others, or if they could explain to him just how lucky he is to have you and why he should make more of an effort.

Linning · 01/10/2019 23:37

YABU, £135 is a lot of money to expect for a gift!
(I don’t even get gifts from families nowadays and I am only a few years older than your kids!)

I would be mortified if anyone in my family dissected my spendings and somehow felt entitled to getting expensive gifts from me because they felt I could afford it because I treat myself with my own money that I work (hard) for. Lots of my family members have way more money than me and no doubt my mum treats herself to quite a few things, I still don’t feel entitled to getting expensive gifts as a result.
It doesn’t matter how much your son spends on himself, he doesn’t owe it to you to spend £££ on you. Sure it would be nice but you would be very unreasonable to hold it against him if he doesn’t.

As it happens, I am the oldest sister and the only one who ever bothered to buy gifts, if my family expected £100 gifts I would constantly be out of pocket because my siblings would find all the excuses under the sun not to participate or to participate at a lower cost.

I buy gifts at a different price range for different people and depending on my finances and relationship with them. I bought a trip to the US for my sibling for his 18th birthday, I didn’t do that for the rest of my siblings (yet) and I would read them the riot act if they dared bring it up to me.

I also don’t understand how a bracelet you picked for yourself (even if paid for by them) would actually hold any more sentimental value than a bracelet (or other gift) they could actually pick for you (within their price range).

gostiwooz · 01/10/2019 23:40

Ungrateful shit.

£100 a month barely covers rent/utilities, let alone food and everything else. Tell him his rent is going up to £150 a month excluding food and laundry, £200 with. And if he doesn't like it, then he can move out.

Ohbuggerlugs · 01/10/2019 23:43

He’s taking you for granted OP.

Original poster
coffecupempty · 01/10/2019 23:48

Yes I am concerned about his gambling, like I said I've expressed my concerns. I haven't insisted that he buys me anything, my other DS suggested a little bit more out of the norm with being my 40th. So I had thought they had talked about it together. He asked me for ideas and I sent them to him, judging with what they had spent on their dad that's all. I never done this before they have always bought what they thought smellies etc which I'm grateful for as I don't expect anything so I apologise if sounded grabby and my priorities are twisted.

I will be keeping a close eye on this gambling thing. He has never once said he couldn't afford his rent or asked money for petrol. So I'm guessing it's just something he does, I will support him if it starts getting a bit too much or I notice changes on him.

It's his money perhaps I should've said not to get me anything when he asked for ideas. Maybe it is too much, I don't know, adult working children a different ball game Confused

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 01/10/2019 23:50

Those of you moaning about the cost of the gift that isn't the point he bought a shit ton of clothes for himself this week and Dad got expensive shoes last month for his birthday. It's a milestone birthday for God's sake he only pays 100/month in rent. It's the thought that counts and he only thought of himself. BTW there's nothing wrong with asking she didn't hold a gun to their head

LemonPrism · 01/10/2019 23:53

While I think £100 is a bit much I also think £100 rent is too little - especially if he gambled it away.

LemonPrism · 01/10/2019 23:55

Although if they spent £120 on their dad that's a bit harsh of them - probs because you're still their secure attachment and they crave their dads approval... but still.

LittlefairyMum · 01/10/2019 23:57

Worry now about his gambling OP.

This is your real problem.

italianfiat · 01/10/2019 23:57

Those of you moaning about the cost of the gift that isn't the point he bought a shit ton of clothes for himself this week and Dad got expensive shoes last month for his birthday.

Hmmm - if it's not the point what relevance does the clothes he bought himself or gift the dad got have? It's either about the money or it's not, you can't make it not about money when it's about OP gift but definitely about the money when you refer to the Dads gift and self purchase.

It's a milestone birthday for God's sake he only pays 100/month in rent.

I don't pay any rent (or mortgage) but I'm fucked if that makes me fair game as a target for expensive gift buying Hmm

It's the thought that counts and he only thought of himself

If it were the thought that counted OP would not have been asking for >£100 gift. Come on now, if you are going to use a well known saying at least try and make it apply to what happened.

shoebedobedobedobedoo · 01/10/2019 23:58

you do realise that gamblers, along with alcoholics and drug addicts are entirely selfish and only live to make it to their next gamble/drink/hit. If you'd asked him for a gift that was only £5 and that was all he had, he'd rather spend it on gambling than you. And whilst he lives in your home and pays almost no rent you are enabling him. I say this as someone who has worked with all of the above for years. you can "express your concern" forever, if he doesn't want to give up he won't listen or care.The fact that its your birthday and you'd like a gift isn't on his radar.

LittlefairyMum · 02/10/2019 00:02

@shoebedobedobedobedoo totally agree.

OP needs to stop thinking about herself and start worrying about the real issue...the addict living in her home.

Aprillygirl · 02/10/2019 00:09

I took it to mean he paid 100pw for rent, which I thought was more than fair. If it's only per month that is a piss take and you definitely need to double that OP.

Meirou90 · 02/10/2019 00:19
  1. That’s far too much for a gift.
  1. That’s far too little for rent.
VenusTiger · 02/10/2019 00:23

@coffecupempty is he usually this selfish? I ask because, I think you should wait and see first.... you’ll feel awful if he’s pretending he’s not bothered and has a surprise up his sleeve. You never know.

Mothership4two · 02/10/2019 00:27

That's quite a lot to be suggesting for a present from your children tbh. But, in your shoes, I would be upping the rent and not looking after him, he's a grown man. I can understand how worrying his gambling habit must be.

negomi90 · 02/10/2019 00:41

At 22 I didn't pay rent to my parents. My present budget was about £10. I had no money.
Years later (and a lot more earning power) and I have spent over £100 on a present for one parent once (and that was because the dishwasher was broken and they couldn't afford to replace it, so I contributed a lot to that and called it a Christmas present).

OwlBeThere · 02/10/2019 00:50

£50 is really not that much money. The OPs point here is that buying clothes for himself and gambling take priority over his mother. She feels hurt and I don’t blame her.
I agree his gambling needs addressing but so does his lack of caring towards his mum.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 02/10/2019 01:03

Yabu if you are upset he isn't getting you the gift you want it's a gift he asked for ideas you give them he said it's to expensive just find something else or reply for him to find something else.
He is being unreasonable only paying £100 a month rent though, you need to up that charge.
He is being unreasonable to not see all you do for him and help him financially with charging low rent and not think to hold money back for a gift for you and want to spoil you by getting you what you would most like but that's totally his prerogative and if it's because of his lack of consideration that is upsetting you not the acfually gift then no Yanbu.
Forget about it and hope you have a lovely birthday op

MrsFezziwig · 02/10/2019 01:04

The children are two adults with jobs and money. If I was being effectively subsidised to the extent that DS1 is, I would want to buy my mother a nice present on her special birthday in recognition of that fact, assuming that I had the money to do so, which DS clearly does.

Lilymossflower · 02/10/2019 01:08

OMG , move him out !

Give him his leaving notice

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2019 04:02

If he's working and can afford gambling that much them he can afford to move out and find his own place. Stop coddling him and treating him like a child. Why would he grow up when mummy is still caring for him?

Notajogger · 02/10/2019 04:47

YANBU. He sounds like a selfish sod and needs to be looking for his own place to live asap! And you certainly shouldn't be cooking for him at his age. His future partner won't thank you if he continues to live as a man-child!
As pp said, the low rent giving him lots of extra money is almost enabling the gambling habit. Time for him to grow up.

minesagin37 · 02/10/2019 05:07

And there's me saying to my 20 year old 'just make me something ' Sorry but £100 is a great deal of money. No wonder he just thinks he can afford to just lose it.

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