Mums v Dads

[Mitzicoco]

Genuine question. Why is it that most children end up living with their mums when parents seperate?

Schiller, it was meant to be a take on Kramer v Kramer

Schuyler! Bloody spellcheck!

Me and my daughters dad have split, but we're still living together. This is because I know that if one of us moved out my daughter would stay with him. I work full time, he doesn't so hes the primary carer.

Would you want to live 50% of your time in one house, and 50% of your time in another....?

I sure as hell wouldn't.

If both parents both work full time how are mothers automatically the primary carer ?

And dads could easily do all those things for dc if they had the bigger share of custody. Kids don’t care who takes them to a party or who cleans the house.

In our house we juggle everything and this is the same for most we know. I don’t think any of the mothers I know could be classed as a “ primary carer” or should qualify as a better qualified person for custody.

If both parents both work full time how are mothers automatically the primary carer ?

From reading many, many posts on here over the years (not the situation in my house) because:

• the dad works "long hours" and so couldn't possibly look after the kids during the week
• the mum does most of the pick ups and drop offs
• the mum does the liaising with childcare about issues, fees etc
• and the same with school, any issues are mum's to deal with
• childcare is somehow earmarked as coming out of the mother's salary
• the mother does all homeworks, knows when there's a dress up day, knows when school holidays are
• the mother uses pretty much all of her annual leave covering school holidays
• the mother makes and attends dentists and doctors appointments
• the mother makes dinner, and knows which child will eat mash and which needs pasta
• the mother makes sure everything is sorted for the next day - clothes, uniforms, lunches etc
• the mother knows the children's friends, when there's a birthday party, buys the present for the party etc

Ad nauseum.

Meanwhile the dad does the odd drop off, the odd bedtime and is wildly praised for being "so good with them" and "such a help to you".

It shouldn't be like this, and it isn't for everyone, but spend a couple of hours even looking at posts on here and you'll see it again and again and again.

Rubbish, that does not speak for every family. Many families have several kids, it would be physically impossible for mums to do everything and dads zilch. MN does not speak for all families and that def is not the case in my area.

Aside from that who cares. Kids love parents the same and wouldn’t give a hoot who picked up the the baton and dropped a few balls in transition if both parents still loved them.

and that def is not the case in my area.

It's not a geographical thing.

It's a patriarchy thing.

So it's sort of irrelevant as to whether your limited experienced says otherwise.

Generally speaking, women are absolutely the primary carers, even when both mum and dad work full time.

I didn't say it happens in every family. I said it happens widely across society. And it does. I wish it didn't but it's one of the huge reasons we don't have gender equality. Of course there's loads of families where the father is the primary care giver, and even more again where both parents do about half.

But you need to think outside your own family. The couples that work well as a team and where both parents pull their weight are much less likely to divorce. They can work together because things are fine.

By the time custody arrangements are being made, things are obviously difficult and one parent has likely checked out a bit or whatever, even if it's just so they're not arguing around the kids.

Then even if things started perfectly equal, there is an established primary care giver by the time the custody arrangements are being formalised.

I find it bizarre that a PP says they don't know any mothers who are the primary carers!! Don't your kids go to school?? Surely you meet a huge number of MOTHERS at school - and a few dads - as that's absolutely society's norm.

In our schools (2 so far) out of 210 kids there would be 10-20 males in the playground at drop off / pick up.

My Facebook feed is full of mums who are part time or working for themselves or working locally to allow more time for the family.

I know 2 Dads who work part time and only 1 family where I would say the balance is equal.

My friends / Facebook are mainly middle class with 2 working parents but the school is a much more mixed demographic so I think my experience is pretty reflective of society overall

I didn't finished my thought in the first paragraph...

Of course there's loads of families where the father is the primary care giver, and even more again where both parents do about half. But as a whole it's women doing this stuff.

50/50 won't always be good for the children though. Having one home and seeing the other parent regularly would be better.
I'm so glad my parents didn't try 50/50 🙄.

If we ever split I'd suspect the court grant dh RP. He works term time only so does all the child related stuff during all school holidays. He also finishes work earlier than me so does all the pick ups from childcare.

I drop them at school, and then am home at 6pm.

@NorthernSpirit have you ever thought the ‘dictating’ was because what the NRP wants isn’t in the best interests of the child. Some NRP want what they want but care not one jot about the child and when told no use the whole don’t use the child as a weapon argument. Except when they talk it’s all about them and what they want not that the child asked for x.

@CarolDanvers
Most of them are also unmarried

But it doesn’t matter either way,both are parents loved equally. Kids won’t care if either drops a few balls in transition.

Court system very bias to woman
Woman's what full custody almost a given unless they are proved unfit
Man want custody has to prove he is fit
Massive genralisaltions 70% of replies on here are man bashing .
Out off all our friendship circle all but 2 mothers went p/t after kids and be came main carer because they WANTED to not had to

main carer because they WANTED to not had to

And? Is there something wrong with wanting to be the primary carer for your child?

Massive genralisaltions 70% of replies on here are man bashing .

No, they're dickhead-bashing.

You do realise there's a difference between men and dickheads. Right...?

Massive genralisaltions 70% of replies on here are man bashing

Could you copy and paste those 70% of replies please?

I’m at home with the children 5 days a week and my husband works Mon-Fri.

At the moment my son only needs childcare one day a week, if my husband was the primary career he’d been in childcare 5 days a week.

The children should stay with the parent who is more central to the children’s lives. It would make no senses whatsoever for my children to live with their dad if we ever divorced.

In families where both parents work full time, Mon-Fri l, then I guess there’s more of an argument for 50/50 as they probably pay an equal part of presence in their children’s lives.

I think something important is being missed here. The partnerships where both parents are equally responsible for the DC, or at least equally give a shit about the DC are probably less likely to split. One parent baring most or all of the responsibility for DC puts a huge amount of stress and resentment on a relationship. How many women post on here about their DPS and DHs doing nothing around the house or with the DC.

My DS’ father is an abusive, violent alcoholic, that’s why DS is with me. He doesn’t see his dad, can’t stand his dad and his dad pays nothing towards his upbringing. He doesn’t even know DS has started secondary school, let alone which school he goes to or how he’s getting on. He lives about half a mile away but it might as well be a thousand miles, in fact I wish it was.

I live on a large estate, and DS goes to the local secondary that serves the estate. All DS’ friends live with their mothers’, and most don’t even see their dads’. That probably says more about the financial state of a lot of single mothers though, who do low paid work and claim benefits.

I was happy for my teenagers to make a choice but their Father didnt want them as he wanted a life as a single man, he wouldnt even let them visit his new place and in the end went to work in Kuwait. Some men arent in the slightest bit bothered

My situation was slightly different.

I have always worked full time. My ex has always worked part time. At the time of our divorce (emotional abuse) he was not working and was nominally the primary carer. He used this as a threat; that he would get full residency of our son.

In fact all he did was a little bit of child care, all the fun stuff. I did absolutely every else. When it came down to it, it was apparent that I was able to manage work and having a child, and he wasn't. He had to find work (since I no longer supported his lazy arse) and would then only have DS2 when he wasn't working.

A few years down the line, and back to Court for a rearrangement of the CAO, and DS2 now lives with me full time and sees his Dad for an afternoon maybe once a month. He pays no maintenance (ongoing with the incompetent fools who are the CMS).

Ex realises now that there's more to raising a child that playing Monopoly and football.