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Original poster

To not TTC at 41until body better?

39 replies

crystabel · 01/10/2019 18:03

I just turned 41, posted quite a while ago that my husband didn't seem to want no.3 and had really helpful responses. I had to leave the subject then but now after a serious chat 2 weeks ago he has agreed we can't wait and let's try. I am very lucky in already having 2 lovely girls. I am very overweight and have a bad back. Since he said this I have been exercising and eating really well. I've lost a stone. I know trying at my age I am running out of time but the idea of being possibly pregnant like this seems awful for me and baby so I'm leaning towards not ttc till I've lost 3 stone, hopefully around Xmas. Of course every month could be a missed opportunity at 41. My question is do you agree best to wait or try anyway?Any advice much appreciated. I know that there will be some who think at 41 with 2 kids I should not try at all but I have weighed this up and have many friends having children in their forties. Thank you so much x

OP posts:
ShiftHappens · 01/10/2019 18:09

you are old (fertility wise), have a bad back and you are overweight... age and obesity increase the risk of all kind of things pregnancy and birth related. and you already have 2 healthy children...

why, just why?

and how would you cope with a disabled child given your age and your state of health? Most disabilities cannot be detected prenatally.

Hahaha88 · 01/10/2019 18:13

I wouldn't put of TTC

TheVanguardSix · 01/10/2019 18:15

I think after the age of 38, time just isn't on our side, OP.
I had my last at 42, a healthy boy and I know several people who have healthy pregnancies and babies at 43 and 44 (beyond this is very rare). So absolutely go for DC3 but you do have to be really honest with yourself about age. I wouldn't delay beyond the new year.
Best of luck!

sebashocked · 01/10/2019 18:16

Ignore the pp. Go for it. Keep losing the weight. You may find your back problems improve massively as you slim down and become more active. Eat healthily. Exercise as much as you can even if it's just trying out a 30 min YouTube yoga session every day and keep your fingers crossed.

LoreleiRock · 01/10/2019 18:17

I would concentrate on my health and not trying to have another baby. You are a risky age and being obese increases risks.

RoLaren · 01/10/2019 18:18

Definitely start trying now, and continue getting yourself healthier. Good luck!

ShiftHappens · 01/10/2019 18:19

thevanguard

just because your friends had healthy DC it doesn't mean everyone over 40 will.

Two of my friends over 40 (one 40, the other 42) got pregnant last year and both had a baby with Down Syndrome (one chose to terminate). The doctors told both that it happens a lot more than people think. most women terminate and never taken about it though.

TheVanguardSix · 01/10/2019 18:19

How overweight is overweight, do you mind telling us? No offence meant in the least, OP.

Teddybear45 · 01/10/2019 18:22

If you have 3 stones to lose then definitely do that first. Most of the problems associated with fertility from 41 are due to being overweight / unhealthy - so if you remove the main cause of gestational diabetes / ovulatatory problems / preclampsia it could only be good for you

TheBeesKnee · 01/10/2019 18:25

In your circumstances I would not have a third. But at the least I would lose weight and ensure that my back was sorted before TTC.

anyoneseenmykeys · 01/10/2019 18:27

I don't think 41 is old at all, and there's plenty of women who have had chlidren - today and in the past.

However, I don't think that getting pregnant at any age when you are unfit and unhealthy is an amazing idea. How long have you been exercising for? How long have you been losing weight for? Have you completely change your way of life or do you still have to push yourself to lose weight?

Pregnancy can be tiring, babies can be very tiring - exercise might go out of the window, it's usually fine to carry on but not to start, and comfort eating is likely to start.

I might give myself a couple more months to think that through. If you already have 2 children, it's not fair on them if you become too unwell to look after them.

moccaicecream · 01/10/2019 18:27

Most of the problems associated with fertility from 41 are due to being overweight / unhealthy

it's nothing to do with weight. all to do with old eggs (which increases the risk of chromo disorders).

this, combined with the OP's obesity which comes with its own risks makes it a very risky pregnancy.

OP has healthy children already. maybe councelling may be helpful in this case to explore why she is so desperate for another child.

TheVanguardSix · 01/10/2019 18:29

Shift you're correct.
I've had two babies with Downs Syndrome and terminated both, one of which I had to deliver at 6 months then plan a funeral for. So, yeah. When I tell the OP to be honest with herself about age, THIS is what I mean. I didn't want to have to write it though because a) it's a bummer for me, one I don't wish to share and b) there ARE plenty of women who have babies at 40/41 and beyond without such struggles.

ShiftHappens · 01/10/2019 18:34

theVanguard Flowers

I am at the other end. I had a severely disabled child in my very early 30s (diagnosed postnatally). I know what's it like to bring up a child with complex needs and the toll it takes on the whole family - financially, emotionally, mentally..This might shape my view of women who are 40+ and have healthy children and feel the need to have a third/fourth/....

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 01/10/2019 18:36

With your age time really isn’t on your side, if you want a baby you need to get cracking.,.,

You can eat healthy, exercise more and ttc the same time.

Alyssum34456 · 01/10/2019 18:41

Start ttc and keep on the health kick MASSIVELY

TheVanguardSix · 01/10/2019 18:53

Oh shift Flowers to you too. Oh my heavens, I understand you now. Totally and completely. And you were so young.

And honestly, you're absolutely right in pointing out that once you hit 40, having a baby with significant problems is a very real risk. It can happen at any age but it is true that once you hit 40, time isn't on our side, eggs are older and not so healthy, and risk is real.

I am sure you love your child beyond words, but undoubtedly it is tough, especially being hurled into your situation at a young age, with no inkling of any issues throughout the pregnancy.

SherbetSaucer · 01/10/2019 19:08

I wouldn’t try at all. What for? You already have two children.

swingofthings · 01/10/2019 19:11

Go and speak to your GP for advice. Being very overweight and pregnant at 41 is definitely a risk to the baby and you.

stopgap · 01/10/2019 19:16

I wouldn’t try, either. I had my sons at 34 and 36, and 38 would have been the ideal age for me to have a third, but my autoimmune issues were flaring and I could have made them worse by having another baby.

What if your back got worse with a third pregnancy? I wouldn’t consider your health issues in a vacuum, but as something that may impact how well you can parent your existing children.

ShiftHappens · 01/10/2019 19:38

Thanks theVanguard

She is hard work but I really couldn't image life without her.

TheTrollFairy · 01/10/2019 19:43

I would definitely wait until your body is better. Carrying a baby is hard work so I imagine a bad back and being over weight won’t help! You’ll also be at a higher risk of GD if you are overweight.
What are the ages of your kids now? Do you think you’ll be able to handle the demands of say a 10 year old at 51 (especially if you don’t sort out your back - I have RA and a young child and being in pain and having a child is hard work on both you and the kid)

brummiesue · 01/10/2019 19:44

As someone said, how overweight are you? A bmi of late 20s is a very diff scenario to 30 odd plus, if it is higher lose more weight before trying, obesity and pregnancy can cause massive problems that most people are oblivious to. Why risk it, age wise...many people conceive older than you, concentrate on the weight.

Countryescape · 01/10/2019 19:47

No I definitely wouldn’t try at all to be honest.

TurquoiseDress · 01/10/2019 20:38

Hi OP

I'm the same age as you OP

Time is not on your side that's a fact

It's a decision that only you with your DH can make together

I think you need to get on with TTC now as you don't have time to lose, and at the same time continue with the weight loss/healthy eating/gentle exercise etc

Weight loss will hopefully improve your back pain

But if you wait til you're in the 'perfect' situation health and body wise you'll never get on with TTC

In my head I wouldn't mind a third baby but then reality kicks in- I have two DC and returned to work earlier this year after mat leave for DC2 who recently turned 1

We don't have the room- currently live in rented 2 bed terrace- plus we're trying to save to try and eventually buy a place of our our own

Deep down I think I know that we're done with two

But in a parallel universe I wonder about going for number 3

I last conceived after after my 39th birthday and it had taken well over 12 months of TTC

Luckily both DC are healthy as far as we know and I do not know anyone who has a child with serious disabilities/is disabled, so I thank our lucky stars and reflect that our luck might run out with a 3rd

Having said that a close friend is also 41 and undergoing IVF for DC2, they have been TTC pretty much since the post natal check for DC1 who recently turned 1

Good luck with it all

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