To REALLY struggle with my children...

[stilltiredinthemorning]

I have 2 children, a boy who is 1.5 and a girl who is 3.5. I would say they are both neurodevelopmentally typical and they certainly wouldn't meet any thresholds for referral/diagnosis. Yet I find them SO difficult and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed most of the time... My little boy rarely stands still and generally runs everywhere. He is into everything and thinks being 'told off' is hilarious unless I really raise my voice and then he cries (though it still rarely discourages him). My daughter is similarly 'busy' , though she is of an age where she can sometimes entertain herself and will enjoy reading stories etc. On the other hand EVERYTHING is a battle/negotiation/argument (getting dressed, going to the toilet, brushing teeth, getting in the car etc. etc.) and she asks questions repeatedly all day long...

I can cope fairly well when I only have one of them (especially the eldest) but I have actually begun to dread the days I have both. My husband works long hours and so this will generally be for at least 12 hours. I honestly feel like I can barely cope and when I look around at other parents their children seem so much calmer and at least occasionally still.

I feel completely useless that I find it so difficult.

Does anyone else feel the same? Am I just doing it wrong? I think I have pretty firm boundaries and try to stick to a routine where possible. I rarely shout (maybe I should be firmer? ) but sometimes I feel like I'm really going to blow my top!

People say to take a few hours or a day to myself, but honestly I feel like it'd take a good couple of weeks for me to totally unclench...

I'm starting work in a few weeks and have a pretty demanding job (in paediatrics ). I am panicking that I'll just be too tired and stressed to hack it.

I should also say that my DH is very supportive and hand on whenever he's around and both children generally sleep through, though neither nap.

I use bribery to control my children.

I too have a 3.5 yr old and an 18 mth old. Believe me, we have moments as you’re describing. It’s so easy to become more reactive than proactive when parenting.
When I feel like running to another country, I metaphorically slap myself around the chops and then set them in a challenge.
The older child will lead and the younger one will follow.

‘ Go find mummy a green block. Ready, steady....go’ they will race of to get one.
‘ go find mummy a book with piggies in’ ready steady go. And so on. They will be charging around (hopefully getting tired)
Reward is a story together, cartoon, special snack maybe, or bubble bath with crazy foam.

When I’m really stuck, and need to do dinner, I give them spare pans, dried pasta, jug of water etc and place it all in the floor over an old towel. Then let them mix and pour. Kids love it.

Old wallpaper roll/paper, roll out a really long sheet, get the felts out, crayons etc
It gives them a focus rather than bumbling around causing unstructured mayhem.
They are obviously sleeping well so it could be worse.

Going back to work will give you back some you time.
Maybe take turns with dh to have a lay in on a Sunday so you both get a break. The other could whip the kids out for a walk just to level out the energy levels.

Hi OP. Sounds like objectively hard work to me! Would they chill out with half an hour of telly with some fruit snacks or other things that are generally frowned upon on Mumsnet? Or is there any things else you could do just to give yourself a little break during the day so you can be engaged and happy the rest of the time you're with them? Sounds like at these ages, this is the toughest it'll get - every month your eldest will become more independent. Good luck!

I think it is just particularly tough with children that young and that on the go/difficult. Mine aren't as you describe yours but a couple of their friends are/were and I find/found it completely exhausting to have them over.

My eldest is autistic and really struggles with transitions so I understand the everything being a negotiation. My youngest is a whirlwind of mess which I really struggle with - she can get out most of her wardrobe and have that scattered around, loads of toys and books and tons of arts and crafts supplies! However they have got better as they have got older and I'm sure yours will to.

In order to cope and not feel so stressed I would suggest finding some time for yourself a couple of times during the day even if only 5 or 10 minutes. Use this time to do something mindfully. It could be a meditation, colouring book, eating something, reading. Good luck.

that works to an extent with my daughter...

Sometimes I think I'm just making life harder than it needs to be (only eating seated at the table, not buying treats at the supermarket etc.), but I thought being firm about those things would pay dividends eventually...

It's just that EVERYTHING is so hard. My son will not lie down for 60 seconds to have his nappy changed. He runs away the moment I let go of his hand. He touches/picks up everything in his reach and manages to break a reasonable percentage...

My friends' children of a similar age seem to spend so much more time sitting still... Maybe playing or sitting on a parent's knee etc.

andy I realise that it's not ideal, but I really am talking about raising my voice, not shouting. I.e. saying 'no' loudly and clearly when he is doing something dangerous or completely unacceptable (e.g. biting/pulling hair or reaching for something that could hurt him). If I say 'no' in a quieter voice and just remove his hand he thinks it's hilarious and repeats my words back to me while laughing (very verbally able) and tries to do it all the more. Like I say, if I raise my voice and do a 'cross face' he gets upset, but once comforted will try to go back to do it again...

I try to ignore and redirect/distract where possible, but depending on the context that isn't always an option. What would you recommend?

Some children are hard work and their ages are straddling a difficult age group. Hopefully the 3.5yo will be maturing soon. School age makes a big difference.

Mine have never been the naturally compliant type despite firm boundaries day after day after day for years. The younger one was the lively bolter type, the older one had a highly volatile short fuse before exploding into tantrums. It turns out he has a lot of sensory issues and struggles with things that don't match his expectations/ aren't anticipated. Getting him to do something needs a delicate balance of carrot and stick and appropriate preparation.

That's not to say that they aren't wonderful, and great kids, but they can be draining and hard work.

Age helps. They get more rational. Even when my older one melts down, we can discuss it after and it's helped with identifying triggers and strategies to deal with things he finds distressing.

I'm glad I worked through 1.5 & 3.5. A day teaching 150 different teenagers was a welcome rest from dealing with two toddlers

@Andysbestadventure This is the second post I've read of yours in the last half an hour where you're being shitty and mean to people.

If you've got anger you need to get out, go do something constructive with it and stop taking it out on strangers who are brave enough to ask for help with their issues.

I think life will be better when you’re at work. Staying at home can be draining and unsatisfying. Childcare will wear them out and take care of some of the drudge and you can enjoy the fun bits, much like your DH

Dd2 is very strong willed

Some days I feel a bit overwhelmed by the constant fucking negotiating I need to do with her.

I am thankful I never went for dc3.

I'm happy with my 2, but another would send me over the edge.

That's me looking on the bright side/being positive

Cards completely on the table, I think I feel completely ashamed because in my job I work within a multidisciplinary team diagnosing neurodevelopmental disorders. I work with parents who deal with genuinely challenging behaviour every day. Yet I find it so hard to manage my own children. It makes me feel like a failure and a fraud!!

I don't think anyone watching would know I was struggling to be fair. Only I know how mentally and physically exhausting I find it. I don't want to admit it to my friends. I feel like people have high expectations of me...

Of course you raise your voice sometimes op you are human, not a machine. No advice really it is just relentless at that age. I agree with bribery to a certain extent, but I would stick to meals at the table if possible, saves a lot of food related mess. A change is as good as a rest so you might find work quite refreshing when you go back. Good luck!

It’s because, with no disrespect to your children Op, they’re pains in the arse. Some people are suited to spending their days like this and some manage to tolerate it but some just can’t hack it (I can’t either) it’s nothing to be ashamed of, look how important your paid job is. You’re more valuable there than fannying around negotiating with a child to put shoes on x

I completely understand OP. Mine are more or less the same age as yours and it's just so hard. I have to actively remind myself to drop my shoulders as I found they were permanently scrunched up with tension.

It's like every tiny daily activity has become a mammoth inconvenience. It's really starting to wear me down. My DH also works very long hours so really it's just me and them six days per week. I do get some "me" time but like you said it's just never enough... I fantasize about pissing off for a month of solitude somewhere/anywhere!

Honestly I've always wanted to be a mum, but I was clueless about what it truly entailed and I'm not sure I'm cut out for it not much I can do about that now so I'll just middle along as best I can and hope things get easier when they start school 🤞🏼

1. Kids that age are very difficult. Toddlers are very demanding and YANBU at all, those are just difficult ages.

1. It’s a great thing you’re going back to work. It will give both you and them a break. They’ll have a great time at nursery, learn how to behave better with other kids around, while you get to do sth other than changing nappies and chasing after toddlers.

Oh God pass they really are! Thank you for being so kind. I feel a bit tearful and I'm not a cryer!!

John thank you! Literally everything you've just said is exactly how I feel!

Why are you raising your voice to a baby ffs. He is 1.5yrs old! Get a grip of yourself.

This comment actually made me laugh out loud. You don’t have kids do you?

Ignore the troll OP.

It’s really so hard and I only have one child- she is 15 months old and a little human tornado. You have a lot more experience than I do but the things I find that work are bribing with snacks or giving DD a task. It’s pretty exhausting but if I have to get things done I get her involved.

I think the main issue here though is your husband isn’t around- can this change?

Going back to work helped me, although my job isn’t too stressful. But I found it easier than I thought to drop DD off to nursery and focus on work.

It’s so hard. You’re not alone. I probably couldn’t have another child just because I find it so overwhelmingly difficult already. You’re doing a great job.

You'd have thought working with children would have given me some insight .

It just seems so much easier when it's not my children...

I can’t wait to go back to work. I am so over feeling exhausted at the end of a day in which I’ve done nothing of note but prepared food for everyone and get them dressed.

While I'm not happy you're struggling too stilltiredinthemorning it is quite reassuring to know we're not alone!

Best of luck on your return to work, hopefully that will ease some pressure on you

Sympathies OP. Spirited children are a PITA.

If you can manage to give them lots of fresh air and exercise in the morning then they might sit quietly and watch a film in the afternoon.

Bribery is a good suggestion. It's surprising what kids will do for chocolate buttons

Re the battles:

Try and give them closed choices so they feel in control of what's happening 'do you want to wear your red coat or your blue one?' Rather than 'time to get your coat on!'

A bit of competition might work too 'who is going to get to the car first today? The winner gets a chocolate button!'

You'd have thought working with children would have given me some insight

Nope it’s not the same. The friends I know who have found being a Mum the hardest are actually teachers and have worked as nursery nurses. I don’t think anything can prepare you!

I'm sorry you're having a hard time OP, FWIW, you are absolutely doing the right thing re mealtimes at table/standing firm in the face of demands for sweets etc though.

I parented similarly, and started to see the dividends at about 3.5-4ish maybe?

At that age, most parents allow their DCs to run off independently and play with their friends. Its at this stage that you will totally reap the rewards from your firm parenting, as you will be able to relax and trust that your DCs aren't the ones being horrors when out of their parents' sight.

The rewards will come, honestly.