To REALLY struggle with my children...

[stilltiredinthemorning]

I have 2 children, a boy who is 1.5 and a girl who is 3.5. I would say they are both neurodevelopmentally typical and they certainly wouldn't meet any thresholds for referral/diagnosis. Yet I find them SO difficult and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed most of the time... My little boy rarely stands still and generally runs everywhere. He is into everything and thinks being 'told off' is hilarious unless I really raise my voice and then he cries (though it still rarely discourages him). My daughter is similarly 'busy' , though she is of an age where she can sometimes entertain herself and will enjoy reading stories etc. On the other hand EVERYTHING is a battle/negotiation/argument (getting dressed, going to the toilet, brushing teeth, getting in the car etc. etc.) and she asks questions repeatedly all day long...

I can cope fairly well when I only have one of them (especially the eldest) but I have actually begun to dread the days I have both. My husband works long hours and so this will generally be for at least 12 hours. I honestly feel like I can barely cope and when I look around at other parents their children seem so much calmer and at least occasionally still.

I feel completely useless that I find it so difficult.

Does anyone else feel the same? Am I just doing it wrong? I think I have pretty firm boundaries and try to stick to a routine where possible. I rarely shout (maybe I should be firmer? ) but sometimes I feel like I'm really going to blow my top!

People say to take a few hours or a day to myself, but honestly I feel like it'd take a good couple of weeks for me to totally unclench...

I'm starting work in a few weeks and have a pretty demanding job (in paediatrics ). I am panicking that I'll just be too tired and stressed to hack it.

I should also say that my DH is very supportive and hand on whenever he's around and both children generally sleep through, though neither nap.

@Andysbestadventure get a grip of yourself and show some bloody empathy.

Do you spend a lot of time at home? Get them out and running somewhere safe (soft play, park with a fence etc.) Anything to avoid cabin fever.

What about reins for DS? I know some people are judgy about them, but surely if that's one less thing to get stressed about, they're a good thing.

Good on you for insisting on sitting at the table, you'll be glad you've done that once the toddler years are over.

Hang in there!

Some people are suited to spending their days like this and some manage to tolerate it but some just can’t hack it I completely agree with this! I'm one of those that can't hack it but like another pp has said I just muddle along. Mine are 4yo and 18 months and I'm crap at playing with them and have zero imagination for ways to keep them entertained.

4yo started school in September and I have to say it has made things a lot easier. She too is forever asking questions and everything is a battle with her so it's nice to send her off to school 5 days a week 😂 (mornings are a PITA though). Have to constantly watch the 18mo like a hawk and he's always trying to get himself into mischief. I try to get out with him most days, we go to the shops, toddler group, park etc.

It will get easier OP, I tell myself this every day

Why are you raising your voice to a baby ffs. He is 1.5yrs old! Get a grip of yourself oh you get a bloody grip of yourself! She didn't say she screams at him fgs.

Thank you everyone, it really helps to hear that the mealtimes etc will be worth it in the end!!

HM we go out each and every day! Zoo, park, soft play etc. I sometimes wonder if that's why I'm so knackered. My other friends talk about a 'chill out day at home' or a pyjama day... I just can't imagine what that would look like??

A chill day at home? That wasn't possible until DD was 7.

Once DD is at school you could take DS swimming. Every day. Or steal drugs from the hospital. For both of you.

Forget the swimming just steal the drugs

Sometimes I think I'm just making life harder than it needs to be (only eating seated at the table, not buying treats at the supermarket etc.), but I thought being firm about those things would pay dividends eventually...

Yes it will pay off OP! Mine are 6 and 4 and we are really beginning to see some improvement!

Op it sounds like you're doing brilliantly. Cut yourself some slack and be kinder to yourself. You've got this.

I feel exactly the same @stilltiredinthemorning. Mine are the same age and I found it fairly easy when I had a 2 year old and a newborn but now they fight constantly and one is always in tears. They are both crap sleepers too and I spend every night sandwiched between them or awake for hours.

I don't know what advice to give although I am told it gets a lot better xx

Your DC, and your life, sounds exactly like mine! Same ages, but my older is the boy and younger the girl. They are so incredibly active and tiring. It is relentless. There is no chilling out days at home really unless I stick them (especially the older one) in front of a screen and then his behaviour takes a terrible turn, so my peace is rewarded with a huge tantrum. My niece the same age will happily play quietly for hours while my sister smugly drinks tea and sews things and crafts with her. Wtf?! Why didn't I get one of those ones...?

I'm exhausted permanently (my DD prefers 4/5am as a wake up time, DS around 6am) and my DH works out of the house 12+ hours 5/6 days per week so doesn't do much on a practical level really (I do have a bit of paid help through the week).

I'm incredibly grumpy and short tempered most days, I've always forgotten to pack something crucial for the day, my house is a mess all the time, it's a miracle if we have something in for dinner (although it's almost exclusively thrown on the floor or covered in ketchup and then rejected anyway).

The kids are bribed for almost every tiny thing to try to make life easier. They are lovely, truly lovely, but I feel like I'm doing a rubbish job almost all of the time, I'm just getting by each day. I feel like a total failure and like my kids are 1000x worse than other people's and it's my own fault for being crap!

In short I completely get where you are coming from and it's not just you. I bet you are doing brilliantly. I also work (part time) and those days are like days off for me. I know that sounds ridiculous but they are a complete break from my home life and they are SO much easier and less tiring than my days at home.

Anyway, rest assured there are others out there who feel your pain! Good luck surviving the next couple of years

Before I even opened this thread, I knew one of the kids would be 3.

It's a pain in the arse age, and with an 18 month old as well?

It's not just you. It's a really fucking tough time.
I struggled too.

Op, can I just add that I’m really glad you posted this.
Lots of us assume professional staff in paediatrics must all be experts on all aspects of children.
How can any one person be an expert on all children. None of us are experts of our own children. We are not even experts of ourselves. Life is one massive learning curve.

We beat ourselves up all too often. Yet we expect so much of others. Bizarrely we assume everyone else has got it all fathomed out.

Unfortunately the kids rule. It’s as simple as that. We just have to become cunning and trick them. Play them at their own game.

My 18 mth old is a sweetheart but I assure you, there are moments she has me running around in a fluster like a rabbit in headlights if she wants to. When she wakes up from an afternoon sleep, my head screams Noooooooooooo! And the panic can set in.

When pregnant, no book prepares you for the little horrors. But, you know what, we have to roll up our sleeves, cake our faces in war paint and accept defeat and hide in a cupboard

.....Watch ‘working mums’ on Netflix. It’s binge worthy, incredibly relatable and hilarious. Suddenly, and together with all the gorgeous honest parents advice on here you will feel normal. It’s a must see, in my opinion anyway.

Does anyone else feel the same?.

Yes, and I only have one!

I think the biggest thing you could be doing is getting the 18m old to nap. It is still v young to be going without and will be making your life far harder. I try and get out of the house as much as possible with my 3 year old. She is an angel for other people like sports coaches or nursery staff. It’s when she’s tired that she becomes stroppy and hard work and I get the brunt of that.

I started about six threads like this when mine were similar ages. I totally feel your pain.

I have no advice really except waiting it out, mine are now 6 and 3. They definitely turn a corner and things get better. It’s not just you.

For nappy changes wrap some selotape round his hands. Hopefully by the time he's got it off his nappy will be done.

I have been through what you are describing. 22 month age difference between 1st and 2nd. It's a tough period as both hit a challenging time. Mine have loads of energy still, but the seeming defiance (2nd would laugh at discipline from very young) does stop.

Hang in there, it does get easier I promise. Xxx (enough that we went on to have another, who will soon be hitting the 18 month rebellion stage)

How you are feeling is quite normal. Bless you. Your eldest one will be going to nursery soon surely? You say you're going back to work shortly - believe me, that will be the best thing for you.

You're doing fine, these phases don't last forever.

My eldest was very hard work from 1.5 to 2.5 I think. Her second birthday she had a 13 hour tantrum.

There was one book that really helped for me called positive discipline I think. An alternative to the naughty step which made life with DC2 much easier. I think we made every possible parenting error with DC1.

Thank you Ozzie you are right, I expect a lot of myself and I feel others do too, although that may not be the case. I am so full of respect for the parents I work with, who I think are AMAZING but who invariably think they could be doing much better too!

I LOVE Working Moms, esp. Anne, though they all seem to be horribly energetic - all that sex!

Userz I think my youngest just has FOMO, whatever I do he won't nap in the house or a buggy. However I tend to try and organise the day so he'll get 30/40 minutes in the car, where he will always sleep...

Rachel I'm ashamed to say my eldest does already go to nursery and has for a while... I'm more or less fine with just one (though like someone else said getting them dressed etc. and out of the door in the morning is aaaarrrrrggggh) but 2 days a week I have them both from pretty much wake up till bedtime and I am beginning to dread it...

They are actually very sweet kids on the whole, very good natured and sociable. They just rarely sit still, hate being strapped into anything and are generally moving at high speed away from me, in opposite directions...

The thing is, I know I have it easier than many, that's why I feel so useless...

wally the sellotape idea is actual genius!!

I have 2 boys and found those years the hardest. Definitely take them out every single day - ideally a local toddler group followed by time in the park. Home for lunch, then tv for a little bit, then reading and play eg play doh with lots of kitchen implements, drawing, finger painting etc then a bit of tv while you make the dinner, the dinner, bath stories and bed. I found having a timetable and getting out of the house every day worked for me. And it does get better xx