To not want to help my son out?

[ihateryansworld]

So a bit of background. He is almost 20 and at Uni. He lives now for the last 6 months with his father who lives in same city as university.

I live with his siblings in a town about 30 mins away. I have him a car for his birthday and pay for his Tax and online game account. Xbox live

He recently said his laptop broke so I got him a new one and it's here waiting on him to collect today. He messaged last night to say he was coming over this am. I said I wouldn't be here as I was taking my mother to a hosp appointment at 12 and she wanted to go to shops first. I said I'd be home at 2 but he was more than welcome to come let himself in (he has a key) if he wanted. (I have food in my cupboards which his father doesn't provide for him)

Fast forward to this morning and I get a text to say a large delivery I was expecting on Thursday is actually coming today and is out for delivery. They can't tell me when it will be coming.

So I ask son could he come over this am and sit in the house in case it is delivered while I'm out with Granny.

He replies that this is his only day off from Uni this week and he had planned to lie in and relax and he's just bought himself fifa so was going to play it! Then sent a message saying if I insisted he would come but really it's his only day off.

I haven't replied because I am so cross and pissed off. I feel he is being selfish. He is literally going to arrive later get the new laptop maybe have dinner then piss off again.

AIBU to think he is still part of our family and we still do things for each other?

Yanbu and my mum would've read me the riot act for this. Tell him he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to, but he can sort his own laptop out too 🤷‍♀️

I think if you don't usually ask your son to do favours on his one day off, then it wasn't a lot to ask. He could lay about once he's in your house, or play his game there, surely? Considering how generous you've been to him it wasn't a lot to ask in return. I would have replied and said actually it would really help me out and insisted he came or forget the new laptop. What will happen with the big delivery if there's no one there to receive it?

I cancelled Shopping with mum and was leaving at 11:30 to take her to hospital for her appointment. Thankfully the delivery came at 11:15 so I got it in the house. But my mum is blind and elderly and doesn't get out much so she was looking forward to a morning out in shops. I have school runs to do after hospital so I can't do it then.

I'm going to tell him how pissed off I am when he comes to get laptop and I'm making it clear that if he can't help me on the very very odd time I need him then I won't be as inclined to help him. (I feel awful for saying that but I'm ashamed of how selfish he is becoming)

I completely agree Op - I'd read him the riot act for the selfishness of it. He does sound quite spoilt and you do seem to pay for a lot of things for him - fair enough if you can afford it but it might be worth re-thinking this and get him away from being so dependent on you (especially if he's not going to do occasional favours when you need them).

That was incredibly selfish of him and I would have to point it out. You wouldn't really be doing him any favours if you didn't.

He still hasn't arrived! He knows I'm pissed off with him. When he gets here I'm going to show him all these messages.

Tbh I may give him the laptop but no charger....

I'd be fuming, "one day off" is utter bollocks, given he presumably has the weekend off! If he actually works all weekend I may have slightly more sympathy for him but you still weren't asking a lot.

Wow, he does sound like a selfish little tit.

Maybe tell him it's not convenient for him to collect his laptop any more because you want to do some online scrabble or whatever.

I think I'd accidentally be out when he called. He couldn't be arsed to get out of bed to wait in for a parcel so you can take his DGM shopping?

I would take the laptop to his grandmothers and make life inconvenient for him to collect , two can play at that game

I love all those suggestions. I actually told him not to come today after all as I actually never get a day off as I have a whole family to care for! I told him if he wants a free laptop he can come tomorrow and get it and
Collect his sister from school on his way. Unless of course he has something pressing to do like watch the grass grow!
He knows I'm pissed off at him. He texted his sister asking how mad is mum at me on a scale of 1-10?

Stop buying him everything. He needs a wake up call.

*So I ask son could he come over this am and sit in the house in case it is delivered while I'm out with Granny.

He replies that this is his only day off from Uni this week and he had planned to lie in and relax and he's just bought himself fifa so was going to play it! Then sent a message saying if I insisted he would come but really it's his only day off

I haven't replied because I am so cross and pissed off. *

Why were you so upset? He was just checking to see if you really needed the help. I would have texted back “yes, I insist. I wouldn’t ask you unless I really needed you”

He didn’t outright refuse. All he said was the equivalent of a “do you really want me to?”

Sorry op I’m not much older than him
And he sounds like a typical spoilt brat.

You din't insist so he dind't come.

Well I didnt think I needed to insist. I don't ask him to do anything very often and so I stupidly assumed he would know I really needed him. I wouldn't have asked otherwise.

I'm not getting the big deal here - couldn't you have gone out and just collected the parcel from the depot if it came while you were out? You were expecting it Thursday so would still have it before then. Why make things harder for yourself to make a point?

I think you're being a bit silly tbh. He asked if you were sure and that if you were he would come and you basically said no don't bother then. If you had insisted he would've come. Not to mention that if his only day off was today yes he probably does have better things to do tomorrow, like go to uni 

Honestly I think it was crossed wires. You asked him to do something, he didn't want to do it, but said he would if it were really important. You got angry and didn't tell him it was, because he was supposed to know (and yes he should have known, but at this age people are selfish, and he did not know).
All you had to do was say that it was important.
Yes he's a bit thoughtless and selfish, but he would have done it if you'd asked him. You put yourself through extra stress by not reiterating what you wanted.

This is why I’m so glad I’m not having kids! The stress doesn’t stop when they hit 18 or even when they leave! It’s like a life sentence!

He's an adult. He needs to start acting like one. You should probably stop paying for all his stuff too otherwise when will it end?! He needs to learn some responsibility. I'd never have expected my parents to pay for me/my stuff past 18 (to be honest, they stopped paying for anything - clothes, toiletries, doing things out etc - from when I was 13 and got a part time job).

I would have insisted also. I do think that you’re spoiling him a little and he should pull his weight and help out more though. He’s got used to things being one sided.

Sounds like he needs a bit of a wake up call....

......or a massive kick up the arse. Either would work.

If it had been his laptop delivered to his place he would have had to be up and waiting for it