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Original poster

Ex husband

50 replies

pombears2008 · 01/10/2019 09:18

Long time user but name changed as this would be very identifying matched with previous posts.

Been separated for 3 years, decree nisi has been granted and decree absolute due in the next few weeks. Ex Husband left me, the standard script and turned out later he'd cheated (I know, what a surprise!) Anyway, none of that really matters as we are far better without his gaslighting, mood swings etc.

About a year and a half ago he started being difficult about maintenance, sorted it out after several months, he dropped it but we negotiated a reasonable amount. Everything returned to normal.

About 6 months ago he got a new much younger girlfriend, moved in almost immediately. Daughter now has to sleep in the front room when she stays with him as she has no bedroom at his new place. He has always had her one week night and one weekend night. Fast forward to start of new term, it's his night to have her the night before she starts (this is always at his mums as he lives too far away to get her to school from his). He tells her the night before she starts secondary school he is no longer going to have her during the week overnight, some bullshit story about her having too many books to carry for two days (they have lockers). Essentially he doesn't want to be away from his girlfriend for a night. Daughter pretends it's all fine but comes home devastated, she's a smart kid and has worked out exactly why he's doing it and feels rejected. I know it's not worth talking to him so speak to his mum and tell her how upset daughter is, she says she'll talk to him but ex refuses to change his mind.

Now he informs me this weekend as he's dropping daughter home in front of her that he's cutting her maintenance in half because he needs a new car. This means we will have to sell my daughters pony as I just can't support it on my wage. Daughter is distraught, I've text him to try and negotiate so that we could still keep pony if I could get a part loaner to help with costs but he won't even acknowledge my texts even though I've been very polite. I can't go through cms as well it's a long story but he's self employed in a very much cash business and fiddles his books so based on what he declares I'd get very little. If I report him to hmrc he will just give up business and go on benefits (whilst working cash in hand on the sly from his home). He literally doesn't give a fuck and daughter has spent the last few evenings crying about how he doesn't care about her anymore, I've tried to reassure her but now I just feel like I'm lying to her.

OP posts:
Grimbles · 01/10/2019 09:34

Well, if you are losing out financially anyway, take the selfish fucker down with you.

Hadjab · 01/10/2019 09:38

Well, if you are losing out financially anyway, take the selfish fucker down with you

THIS - A MILLION TIMES

Weenurse · 01/10/2019 09:40

Don’t want to read and run.
I would be planning my budget with no input from him as this appears to be the way he is moving.
Your DD knows this is all about him and I expect she will refuse to visit soon.

Original poster
pombears2008 · 01/10/2019 09:42

I totally understand that but I will be even worse off if I do this. He's got me over a barrel and he knows it. I hate him with a passion but what hurts the most is the damage he is doing to daughter with the messages of rejection he is sending to her through his actions. It's clearly no coincidence that he waited exactly 6 weeks from decree nisi being granted to do this either!

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 01/10/2019 09:46

So have you sorted the financial side out?

Original poster
pombears2008 · 01/10/2019 09:48

We had a family agreement which he has now moved the goal posts on and refuses to respond to any texts on the matter.

OP posts:
SellmeyourMLMcrap · 01/10/2019 09:48

It's a tough spot but as you say, he has you over a barrel. You either accept his payment or you end up with nothing.

The bitterness that you must feel towards him I'm sure would make you want to just take him down and get him reported to HMRC but as it also negatively affects you it's probably not worth it, especially as there's a decent chance he'd get away with it anyway.

All you can do is smile and support your daughter. Do not let him know that he's affecting you in any way but do not hide how his actions are affecting his your daughter.

In terms of supporting your daughter, that's obviously going to be complicated as badmouthing your Ex shouldn't really be something you engage in but how you avoid it I'm not sure. Good Luck, don't let him beat you down.

Original poster
pombears2008 · 01/10/2019 09:49

Can't afford a solicitor, have no family that can help me out with this. Poor daughter is feeling massive rejection from her dad and now has to lose her beloved pony who is as much part of the family as she is in her eyes.

OP posts:
Original poster
pombears2008 · 01/10/2019 09:51

I would never bad mouth him to her despite his horrendous behaviour. She's clever enough to see what he's doing all by herself and it breaks my heart.

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 01/10/2019 10:02

If your going down - take him down with you. Useless father! I feel so sorry for you dd.

Blobby10 · 01/10/2019 10:05

Please dont apply for the Decree Absolute until you have a fixed Financial Order in place. Your poor daughter and her pony Sad She must be devastated.

Original poster
pombears2008 · 01/10/2019 10:09

It's not responsibility to apply for decree absolute he is the petitioner.

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 01/10/2019 10:10

Don't you have to sort out a financial settlement before you can get the divorce?

Original poster
pombears2008 · 01/10/2019 10:11

We had a family arrangement and without the money to pay for a solicitor I can't formalise it and he promised me that he would stick to the agreement we put in place a year ago.

OP posts:
Winterlife · 01/10/2019 10:12

He won’t go in benefits. Do you really believe the much younger girlfriend will stay with a man on benefits?

Budget for no money from him, get an order for maintenance and after you get that in place. report him to taxing authorities. You may think you’re losing something but you’re not. It’s going in that direction in any event.

ColaFreezePop · 01/10/2019 10:15

Do you or your daughter have any other contact with her paternal grandmother? As your ex not seeing his daughter in mid-week means she doesn't get to see her grandmother.

I wonder if your ex has actually fallen out with his mother.

Original poster
pombears2008 · 01/10/2019 10:16

He will as the nature of his work means he can do it from home, cash in hand and pocket it on top of his benefits and it would be impossible to prove. Can't really give anymore details as it's too identifying.

OP posts:
Original poster
pombears2008 · 01/10/2019 10:18

She still goes to grandmothers for tea in the week with him but he will not stay there with her. Grandmother is very supportive of daughter but won't hear a bad word said about her son despite his actions and they are all very money orientated.

OP posts:
Winterlife · 01/10/2019 10:25

I work in the taxation field. It’s not difficult to prove a level of income, unless he spends the largest chunk of his money in restaurants and bars.

Original poster
pombears2008 · 01/10/2019 10:30

Winterfell I would guess this is probably the case, he's an functioning alcoholic and always out for dinner when daughter calls to speak to him. Could also be substance abuse as well so untraceable. He's put on 5 stone since we separated and he's definitely eating a lot of takeaways/ meals out as he only feeds daughter like this when she's there. Never a home cooked meal.

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 01/10/2019 10:36

Since HMRC money laundering and fraud inquiries probe income, it would be worth reporting him if he doesn't cooperate with maintenance. The courts would take a dim view on his conduct, anyway. HMRC are familiar with cash in hand dodgy deals, and will consider his lifestyle (inc. car purchase) relative to income. I presume he must advertise his job/ trade, and the black economy unit can look into his business. It is up to him to prove no wrong-doing as much as HMRC to prove his fraud.

At the least, he will face the threat of fines and the need to cooperate with a paper trail...bank statements etc. Benefits is hardly a great sum for a single man, or if he lives with his new girlfriend then it will be factored into the award as a couple. Don't give up with him, as your daughter needs those payments. He may be a loser Dad but it doesn't mean he doesn't have a legal duty towards her.

Aderyn19 · 01/10/2019 10:37

Would his mum be sympathetic to you and able to apply pressure to him that you can't?
His daughter will never forgive him for this. I think that even though there is a good chance he will get away with it, you should still go for formal child support and report him to inland revenue. You never know, he might get caught doing cash in hand etc.

NearlyGranny · 01/10/2019 10:38

Just a thought: would his mother, seeing how upset her DGD is, commit to maintaining the pony, so the child who is being rejected doesn't lose everything? Perhaps it's a chance for her to get closer? If she can afford it, of course.

Might have to be broached carefully! You could say how much you wish you could afford to keep the pony on so she doesn't lose so much all in one go, and see if she offers?

NearlyGranny · 01/10/2019 10:40

If he left you and was cheating, how come he is the petitioner? Were you just too nice?

Original poster
pombears2008 · 01/10/2019 10:43

I applied for divorce previously but he wouldn't accept it as it was a form of control he still had over me. He now wants divorce since being with new girlfriend.

Grandmother would definitely not help with pony as like him she hates animals and can't understand why they are so important to us.

OP posts:
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