Ex husband

[pombears2008]

Long time user but name changed as this would be very identifying matched with previous posts.

Been separated for 3 years, decree nisi has been granted and decree absolute due in the next few weeks. Ex Husband left me, the standard script and turned out later he'd cheated (I know, what a surprise!) Anyway, none of that really matters as we are far better without his gaslighting, mood swings etc.

About a year and a half ago he started being difficult about maintenance, sorted it out after several months, he dropped it but we negotiated a reasonable amount. Everything returned to normal.

About 6 months ago he got a new much younger girlfriend, moved in almost immediately. Daughter now has to sleep in the front room when she stays with him as she has no bedroom at his new place. He has always had her one week night and one weekend night. Fast forward to start of new term, it's his night to have her the night before she starts (this is always at his mums as he lives too far away to get her to school from his). He tells her the night before she starts secondary school he is no longer going to have her during the week overnight, some bullshit story about her having too many books to carry for two days (they have lockers). Essentially he doesn't want to be away from his girlfriend for a night. Daughter pretends it's all fine but comes home devastated, she's a smart kid and has worked out exactly why he's doing it and feels rejected. I know it's not worth talking to him so speak to his mum and tell her how upset daughter is, she says she'll talk to him but ex refuses to change his mind.

Now he informs me this weekend as he's dropping daughter home in front of her that he's cutting her maintenance in half because he needs a new car. This means we will have to sell my daughters pony as I just can't support it on my wage. Daughter is distraught, I've text him to try and negotiate so that we could still keep pony if I could get a part loaner to help with costs but he won't even acknowledge my texts even though I've been very polite. I can't go through cms as well it's a long story but he's self employed in a very much cash business and fiddles his books so based on what he declares I'd get very little. If I report him to hmrc he will just give up business and go on benefits (whilst working cash in hand on the sly from his home). He literally doesn't give a fuck and daughter has spent the last few evenings crying about how he doesn't care about her anymore, I've tried to reassure her but now I just feel like I'm lying to her.

Could you advertise the pony as available to part share perhaps? Maybe a new starter may not want to commit to new costs of a pony for their child and then therefore split costs? You’d daughter would still as main cater for pony as she would need to be on hand to train new person in looking after pony. It’s jyst an idea?

Ozzie wozzie this is what I am currently trying to do but no takers yet and I'm on limited time as I can't afford his livery next month now.

If he had even given me some indication that he was going to do this a few months ago I could have used the summer to find a sharer but winters coming and people aren't wanting to take on horses so much at the moment.

It's sad for your DD to lose her pony, but in the grand scheme of things, it's a bit of a first world problem isn't it? Some people can't afford to feed their children because of no maintenance from their ex's. Maybe this will help your daughter to realise how lucky she has been until now and maybe you could sell her pony and get her a part time stable job or something so she can still do equestrian related things. No doubt that your ex is an ass but as long as you have a roof over your heads and food on the table then you're better off than a lot of people I've seen on here.

Reported as this smells like a begging thread, and so MN HQ can check behind the scenes.

If it's not a begging thread, your Daughter will just have to suck it up and her Pony will have to go. As per the PP point. A bit of a first world problem isn't it? Kids are probably starving down the road from the stables ffs.

Not a begging thread at all, not sure exactly what I'd be begging for ?! Just wanted some support as I'm trying to help my daughter through a tough time and have just experienced a horrible bereavement myself and have no real life support.

Thought some other posters might be able to give some advice or just a bit of moral support to someone who feels helpless at the moment to help her daughter. It maybe a first world problem but my daughter is suffering huge upset over losing her beloved pony, combined with the rejection from her father.

Andysbestadventure, it's not about being lucky to have had a pony, that's irrelevant you're missing the point. A pony isn't like drama or piano lessons, it will be like losing a very close friend. The relationship you build with a pony takes over your thoughts and is a very big support in your life, especially for a vulnerable young girl who's already suffering from rejection from her dad. It will be painful for her to lose the pony as well.

pombears2008, could you put the pony out for full loan for a year or two with the hope that things improve? It's a horrible situation and, it's no consolation, but these deadbeat dads usually ruin their own lives with their selfishness somewhere down the line. Any hope of increasing your income or lowering your costs in the future?

Thank you treesandrocks for understanding the difference between a much loved pony and other luxuries.

In 2 years I will have paid off my car loan so will have a bit more left over to support the cost of the pony. Have advertised him for part loan but there's just no interest except 1 person who has already been helping out with exercising him but can only afford a very small contribution.

I’m not picking up on this being a begging thread. I think if anything were to come if this, a poster may pm op to see if local ie poss pony share.
My 1st husband was exactly like yours op. The second he had a new woman, suddenly his contact with kids decreased, then diminished along with cm.
CMS have been superb for us though, years on. It’s worth a shot. My ex is self employed too and actually pays his salary to his wife to avoid maintenance. They have ways of checking things out.

You daughter will only hold resentment towards her father I imagine.
I learnt very early on not to rely on a single penny from CM. Live within your means and don’t commit to anything financially which rents in his CM. Sad but true all too often.

Ozziewozzie I hadn't even thought someone on here might be interested in a pony share! That's inspired me - might post on The Tack Room page! Thank you for all your advice

Good luck OP

Thanks ozziewozzie

Maybe this will help your daughter to realise how lucky she has been until now

LUCKY?

Her parents divorced, her mum is struggling financially, her dad doesn't give a shit & is abandoning her, & she is going to lose her beloved pet. No amount of yard work & "equestrian related things" is going to compensate for the relationship she has with her own pony.

She'll get through it, but no - this entire experience is not going to make her feel she has been "lucky" FFS.

Some very nasty comments on this page, poor daughter!

OP about your pony, any way you could change the livery for a few years to give you some time until you're able to pay? I'm thinking maybe grass livery? Or perhaps working livery if there's a good riding school nearby? Or even a sort of companion set up? I know they won't be ideal and would restrict your daughter's access to her pony, but if it means you can keep him...?

Every time I think women on MN can't sink any lower in being aggressive, heartless, judgemental and downright deluded, I'm proven wrong. My sympathies OP, and to your DD. Hope justice prevails.

Never had a horse but if I had to give up any of my pets especially at that age 😭 your poor DD.

I hope the stables will help out on a short term basis they may let you owe them whilst you get things sorted.

What an selfish alcoholic bastard he is 🤬

Andysbestadventure There's always one who feels if they're miserable the rest of the world needs to be as well. Did you ask for a pony for Christmas as a child and never got one? How cold hearted are you to downplay the rejection this young girl is feeling from her own Father and now losing the pony!

Suffering is not a competition. The fact that person A is homeless whereas person B has cancer doesn't ease either person's suffering even if others try to put those experiences into some sort of perverse hierarchy.

Is loaning the pony to a college an option?

I can well imagine with everything your daughter has been through that the bond she has with her pony has been incredibly important and stabilising.

Thank you so much to the last few posters who have been so lovely and understanding about how upsetting this is for my daughter who has already been through so much

Exactly what messolini9 said.

Your poor daughter. I hope you work something out

he's self employed in a very much cash business and fiddles his books so based on what he declares I'd get very little. If I report him to hmrc he will just give up business and go on benefits (whilst working cash in hand on the sly from his home).

He really really REALLY will not want to be investigated and to end up in the cash in hand economy. He really won't. It WILL affect him hugely and I am sure he's quick to tell you all nonchalant that he 'has you over a barrel' as that's what he'd do and no skin off his nose but that's bollocks. Report him.

I totally understand your point, but honestly, your daughter has legal rights, I'd pursue court, CMs or HMRC, anything that'll get my daughter what she's entitled to.

Getting a car is not her problem, he needs to start eating at home and stop wasting money on alcohol and food.