Wedding invite etiquette?

[Zippy1510]

I started a new job 4 years ago as a lecturer at a local university. I was employed with 3 other new members of staff (M1, M2 and F1). We all got on really well and spent a lot of time outside of work socialising with each other and our respective partners. Friday night post work drinks and food were a weekly occurrence and we also start a wine and nibbles rotation at each other’s houses every few months. Fast forward a few years and we still do our bi-monthly evenings but I am less able to get out for the post-work drinks every week since having DS1. M1 and M2 are openly are not very keen on being around children so that limits things although I do try to go out with them when I can. M1 has recently gotten engaged and brought the save the dates into work, it’s for next summer. F1 and M2 were invited but I was not, which was slightly awkward as it’s a 300 person venue but of course it’s their wedding and they are welcome to invite whoever they like. Now this is where I am trying to work out if I am being unreasonable. It’s my turn to host the next wine and nibbles evening- and it falls on my birthday next month which is great as I will get to celebrate with everyone and won’t need to find a babysitter as DS will be asleep upstairs. I’ve spoken to everyone (friends both from work and outside work) and it’s all been organised. Yesterday we received a message from M1s partner saying “as it’s our legal wedding next month we will host the wine and nibbles evening and it can be a mini hen/stag wedding appreciation event”. AIBU to be feeling a bit annoyed that they’ve decided to turn my birthday into a celebration for a wedding that they aren’t inviting me to? Do I just go along with it or say “sorry but we’ve arranged to be celebrating my birthday then?”

That’s so mean of them! Just text back saying you’re celebrating your birthday that night so won’t be able to attend the drinks. If they don’t come then that’s up to them.

I think the reason I haven’t confronted them is as it would basically involve me saying “why aren’t I invited to your wedding?” Which even if I am disappointed in- having dealt with difficult wedding guests myself I am very much of the mind it’s your wedding you invite who you want to. She won’t be able to kick me out of the friendship group, me and F1 are extremely close and as I mentioned F1 and the finance don’t really get on at all (which is another reason it seems strange she is invited but I am not). I have been wracking my brains trying to work out what I could have done to offend her. The only thing I can think of (and it’s a tenuous link) is that- she’s a pharma sales rep and I brought her a lot of business lately for a project I’m working on- I had to ask her quite a few questions about the ways they were going to perform the project and maybe I annoyed her with my questions? It’s a very thin link though as 1) I brought her tens of thousands in business and I’ve just got more funding I was going to send her way (May not now though!) and she deals with extremely difficult people all the time (she mentions stories and the requests they have are far more extreme than mine- and it doesn’t seem to bother her at all as she’s getting business of them). I think I’ll just ask M1 today if he’s coming to my birthday and see what his response is.

Also the wine tasting and birthday/ wedding appreciation clash are different day. The wine tasting isn’t for another few months!

If you ask M1 if he's coming to your birthday celebration, and he says no that they're having a pre wedding thing on that day, could be a good time to throw in that you're surprised you were invited to a pre wedding thing given that you aren't invited to the wedding! Gives him a chance to either be surprised you're not invited, or squirm. 😜

Even if I thought someone was away I would still tag them and say "are you away?" to acknowledge the fact I hadn't left them out. This situation is bizarre and I hope for your sake it's just a misunderstanding

Am I right that you are female and the person who has an issue with you is also female and is the partner of a male colleague (I was getting confused with all the initials)

In which case is it possible that she is threatened by you, or is uncomfortable with your friendship with male colleague. Some women are weird about friendships with the opposite sex.

I do think it’s a question best asked face to face. Texts can come over as so passive aggressive.
A quiet word with M1 about the wedding invite is probably a good place to start if you can keep your tone neutral and unemotional. If you don’t ask, the whole thing may cause resentment to build. Perhaps your save the date card was mislaid, and M1’s fiancé is pissed off you haven’t replied to or acknowledged it? This shows every sign that it’s going to escalate needlessly.
75% of Mumsnet problems could be solved by actually talking to the people concerned.

I think a quick chat with m1 saying that you saw the message and were sorry that you couldn't rearrange but it was your birthday and you'd already sent the invitations out and it's your birthday. Say you really hope they can both come.

If you have a chance say that you'd be happy to join them another time to the celebrate the ceremony thing but if the invitation was out of politeness because they wanted to use that date and they'd really rather go ahead with just the main wedding guests now, that's ok too.

Could they think your dh had plans to whisk you away?
Maybe he has?

I think I'd have to talk with M1. This is going to fester otherwise.

Spoke to M1. Asked if he knew if him and fiancé would be able to come along to the birthday event or if they had wedding celebration plans. He responded “I’ll be there, I’ve made a cheese to bring but I’m not sure if fiancé is available. So I guess we are all good?

Yikes! I guess you'll have to wait until the birthday do, then quiz him if she's not there.
It seems as though she has a problem with you, but he's being a coward in not being upfront.

So she is busy, on a night she was planning to have you all over for a 'Wedding appreciation event'.Guess it's her with the problem!

Definitely her playing silly buggers - hence excluding you from wine tasting suggestion. What a dickhead!

Glad he at least is coming but might still be worth mentioning the lack of wedding invite

So weird!! I would still have to ask about the wedding invite though. Maybe she thinks you fancy M1?

Fiancee was planning a party on a night she is unavailable!? Right!

I wouldn't ask him what the issue is actually. It sounds like his fiancee is threatened by you or just doesnt like you much after working together which considering she is now a business contact, she is not going to admit. Likelihood is you would ask if you've done anything, he will feel put on the spot and say no, and you'll be no further forward.

I'd get F1 friend to do some digging discreetly. Wait till he has had a few drinks. He is more likely to tell someone else than tell you I think

She must really have a personal issue with you to behave this way and jeopardize the business association.

If I were you no way would I be sending any more work her way. Why go out of your way to benefit someone so rude?

This is so strange. I think you need to find out if the lack of invite is an oversight. I like some of the suggested light hearted wording above.

Fiance doesn't like you, I think that is clear by the fact she isn't available now on the pre planned event.

She sounds horrible. I hope her partner is embarrassed by her behaviour.

Id still ask him about the wedding invite

Bloody hell. I don't understand how people can be like this, especially when there is a big group if you that get on so well already. Sorry you are having these problems OP, I think you are handling it really well.

What an awkward situation. I think I might ask him.

He responded “I’ll be there, I’ve made a cheese to bring

Did he say what sort of cheese?