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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite etiquette?

146 replies

Zippy1510 · 01/10/2019 08:21

I started a new job 4 years ago as a lecturer at a local university. I was employed with 3 other new members of staff (M1, M2 and F1). We all got on really well and spent a lot of time outside of work socialising with each other and our respective partners. Friday night post work drinks and food were a weekly occurrence and we also start a wine and nibbles rotation at each other’s houses every few months. Fast forward a few years and we still do our bi-monthly evenings but I am less able to get out for the post-work drinks every week since having DS1. M1 and M2 are openly are not very keen on being around children so that limits things although I do try to go out with them when I can. M1 has recently gotten engaged and brought the save the dates into work, it’s for next summer. F1 and M2 were invited but I was not, which was slightly awkward as it’s a 300 person venue but of course it’s their wedding and they are welcome to invite whoever they like. Now this is where I am trying to work out if I am being unreasonable. It’s my turn to host the next wine and nibbles evening- and it falls on my birthday next month which is great as I will get to celebrate with everyone and won’t need to find a babysitter as DS will be asleep upstairs. I’ve spoken to everyone (friends both from work and outside work) and it’s all been organised. Yesterday we received a message from M1s partner saying “as it’s our legal wedding next month we will host the wine and nibbles evening and it can be a mini hen/stag wedding appreciation event”. AIBU to be feeling a bit annoyed that they’ve decided to turn my birthday into a celebration for a wedding that they aren’t inviting me to? Do I just go along with it or say “sorry but we’ve arranged to be celebrating my birthday then?”

OP posts:
Original poster
Zippy1510 · 01/10/2019 10:20

I will try and get F1 to investigate the invite situation but I really don’t think it could have gone missing. They were left on desks rather than being posted and my desk is very empty! His office is just next door to mine. Plus I did actually make it out for Friday drinks last week which was the day after the invites came out and both I and F1 though M1 was acting very awkward around me. Which we put down to the lack of wedding invite!

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 01/10/2019 10:35

On a side not am I the only one shuddering at spending so much time with people I work colleagues?

I agree with the rest of your comment but this part is weird would you never make friends with someone you work with?

BasinHaircut · 01/10/2019 17:30

On the ‘missing’ invite issue - this could go both ways.

DH (then fairly new DP) we’re not invited to one of DH’s friends wedding (all other group members were) and at the time I didn’t know the nature of the relationship too well and thought nothing of it. Only years later we were chatting about wedding planning it came about that they had totally forgotten to invite DH and new partner (me). They dug out the original spreadsheet they had put together as they were adamant they had invited us and realised they had actually left him out - but completely by accident and were l mortified.

However, DH’s cousin left DH and I out of a a wedding where absolutely everyone else were invited and it was a blatant snub for reasons I won’t go into. However they bottled it at the last minute and issued a last minute invite in the basis that ‘some invites had got lost in the post’ but that was absolute bullshit.

So even if you question and it was an oversight, it could be code for ‘we are spineless and can’t say to your face we don’t actually want you there but no, you wasn’t originally invited’

dahliaaa · 01/10/2019 17:35

Are you 100% definitely sure that you are not invited (and that it isn’t just that your invite has fallen behind the desk?)

messolini9 · 01/10/2019 17:42

Do I just go along with it or say “sorry but we’ve arranged to be celebrating my birthday then?”

Of course you say this.
Stick up for yourself OP, & don't let them co-opt your evening.

messolini9 · 01/10/2019 17:46

I just don’t really want to get into a situation where it looks like I’m being petty and hosting some kind of rival evening

My goodness, you aren't - it's quite the reverse!
So glad F1 is sticking up for you & your event - which was organised BEFORE CF's decided to ride rough-shod over it with their " wedding appreciation event".

SpringStory · 01/10/2019 18:04

how very very bizarre. could it be your DH they have a problem with?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 01/10/2019 19:34

I dont think it is awkward as you've already invited other friends.

Just reply and say you understand they want to celebrate their wedding, unfortunately you wont be able to attend as you were celebrating your birthday on the same date and other friends have already accepted the invite to your house, which of course they are still welcome to as well

Chloemol · 01/10/2019 19:57

I WOUld be gong back and saying thanks for offering but as it’s my birthday I will be hosting, I am not cancelling it to allow you to have a stag/hen do for a wedding I am not invited to and it’s very mean of you to consider it’s acceptable to hijack my birthday in this way. I fully understand that F1 may not wish to attend but he will be welcome

Chloemol · 01/10/2019 19:58

Sorry I mean m not f1

Thelistwizard · 01/10/2019 20:07

I agree with the rest of your comment but this part is weird would you never make friends with someone you work with?
Occasional meet ups with work friends is good but this would be too much for me.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 01/10/2019 20:17

Also I think its shit he didnt invite you. If you were a large group of friends and he was only inviting a couple of you that's fine. But for a group of 3 others, to only invite 2, that's mean. And then inviting you to their house when you've already arranged a birthday thing at yours, to celebrate something that you're excluded to, actually seems like they are trying to rub your face in it for some reason.

Hopefully the F1 in the group can talk to them and find out what they hell is going on. I think they will say something about numbers and being at different stages of your lives or something...which hopefully they will realise is nasty if they have kids

Binglebong · 01/10/2019 20:34

I'd be tempted to go bright and breezy - "Don't be silly, it's far too late to change plans. Everything is already set up for my birthday that day. Look forward to seeing you there". Just act as if the idea of it is ridiculous and put them in their place but in a way that would show them to be fools if they quibbled.

Original poster
Zippy1510 · 02/10/2019 07:10

So I’ve replied on the group chat and said “SO are we all set for the 12th? As it’s close to my birthday and M2 and partner are busy on the 11th (we usually do a Friday) both M2 and F1 (and partners) have replied with “sure sounds great we will be there” but M1 and partner have remained silent. Oddly, M1s partner then tagged F1, M2 and their partners on a Facebook post for a local wine tasting with the comment “fancy this”. Which I thought seemed rude so I tagged myself and my other half underneath and said “looks great, DH?”. She’s then replied with oh I thought you were away that weekend Hmm. No idea why. She has now spent the past few hours liking and commenting on various social media posts of mine. So now I’m confused if 1) she has an issue with me I am unaware of or 2) I have made myself paranoid over the wedding invite/ birthday poaching and she genuinely thought we were away and is now trying to be friendly.

OP posts:
CampingItUp · 02/10/2019 07:27

I’d reply “no, not away, at home celebrating my birthday, that’s why I invited you all on that date 🤣”

I suspect bad communication on the part of M1 who has not been letting his DP know what is happening.

ScreamingValenta · 02/10/2019 07:36

wedding appreciation event

That has to be one of the wankiest wedding-related phrases I have ever heard.

Groovee · 02/10/2019 07:52

What is a wedding appreciation event? Never heard such a thing.

I'd reply saying that as it's your birthday you had your night planned and ask if anyone can let you know if they are not coming.

tequilasunrises · 02/10/2019 07:54

I would definitely be privately speaking to M1 asking if he (or his partner) had an issue with me. It seems like they do! It’s very unkind when you have a little group like that to leave one person out of a wedding. Even if there was a genuine reason like numbers (although unlikely in a 300 person venue) if he valued your relationship he would have at least acknowledged it and explained it to you. I’m seething on your behalf, they don’t sound like friends.

tequilasunrises · 02/10/2019 07:57

“Hi M1, I’m a little confused. I thought that me, you, M2 and F1 were all good friends but being the only one not invited to your wedding really hurt. Especially when your partner wanted to change my birthday celebration into a celebration for a wedding that doesn’t include me. Have I done something to offend either of you? If so I’d love to know so we can sort things out.”

littleduckeggblue · 02/10/2019 07:58

M1's partner clearly has an issue with you. I'd call her out on it. Privately message her and ask if you've offended her?

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/10/2019 08:00

Why can't you just straight up ask them what's going on?

I don't understand threads like these where everyone talks around the issue rather than going straight to the heart of the matter?

Fact is it's going to be more awkward the closer it gets to the wedding so just deal with the awkwardness now and ask them??

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 02/10/2019 08:12

Unless her partner told her you were away that weekend, she knew you weren't which obviously doesn't make sense as you've arranged and re confirmed your birthday celebrations. Unfortunately I think your going to have to sort this out face to face, if you do it over message it gives them time to come up with some sort of excuse but in person they have no choice but to tell you

CraftyYankee · 02/10/2019 08:24

But directly addressing the issue is quite un-British, isn't it? 😜

As far as the FB drama, CF fiancee clearly does not like you for whatever reason and is trying to edge you out of the friendship group. Thus tagging everyone else but you.

You did not take your cue and quietly withdraw weeping, but made it blatantly obvious that she had not included you. Seeing that she had been rumbled, she then went on to your FB page to overcompensate with likes to show that she has nothing against you. So if you go to M1 and ask what her issue is with you,she can point to FB activity and declare you paranoid.

The non invitation sucks, but probably comes from the CF fiancee. M1 wants an easy life and likes you well enough to hang out with, but given the choice of a happy fiancee or standing up for you he chose to sacrifice you.

Just keep standing your ground with M2 and F1 (I think? Lost track of the abbreviations). If he's the one with the CF fiancee he should be the one to lose out on the friendship group, not you.

Whiskeylover45 · 02/10/2019 08:28

Honestly this is just rank bad manners, and horrible behaviour. Child free doesnt stop them inviting you, just your son
AlsoInviting you to a stag and hen do that your the only one not invited to is shocking. Especially once you have already confirmed plans for your birthday. Are there any issues, do they dislike you? I cant think of anything else. However I would just reply saying sorry, I won't be able to make it as I have already made plans, and leave it at that. Let them feel awkward as they caused the situation xx

Hopoindown31 · 02/10/2019 08:29

Tell them it's your birthday do you will be spending it celebrating that elsewhere. If they press further just tell them that you thought that the lack wedding invite was a clear statement about your role in their wedding celebrations.