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Original poster

Please please help me - I'm too fucking shy!

55 replies

DirtyBeetie · 30/09/2019 22:50

I've been to therapy for CBT but I can't progress, it didn't work for me. In fact It made me feel worse! I have cripplingly low self esteem which is probably the cause of it.

I've been subjected to nasty comments for being quiet, I've been picked on because I'm too bloody spineless to stand up for myself. I don't know how if I'm saying/ doing is the right thing. I'm constantly thinking people don't like me, am I annoying them etc

I honestly don't know what to do. I know I need to start small but even small things I can't seem to master. I honestly feel it's ruined my life. I don't even know how I even managed to meet dh who is so understanding of it all and doesn't give a shoot that I'm not a social butterfly but I do. I want to break free from this label.

OP posts:
managedmis · 04/10/2019 20:09

It's all an act. Pretend to be be someone else. Honestly. Just act. Pretend you're on stage.

managedmis · 04/10/2019 20:09

It's not like you're quiet and not going to fit in. You're not like that, are you?"

^

That's a weird thing to say

Original poster
DirtyBeetie · 04/10/2019 22:21

Nooo! milliefiori it was said in a sarcastic way. I am to my shame, VERY quiet at work. I know it will be the same in my new job too. I have spent the whole evening feeling so shit. I don't know what is wrong with me. My brain just freezes when someone talks to me. It's bizarre. Honestly not normal.

OP posts:
milliefiori · 04/10/2019 23:37

Oh sorry. I didn't pick up on the fact it was sarcastic. In which case, she is staggeirngly rude and I'd be glad I'd not wasted time getting to know her while I worked there. She sounds tiresome. You don't.

Euromillsplz · 05/10/2019 10:15

What a horrendous thing for ANYONE to say (sarcastically)- let alone a manager at work. I'm stunned.

Feels almost impossible now I'm sure, but do not let that unfortunate person's weird comment affect you. They are the one with the problem, seriously. I mean who does that??! What a vindictive weirdo.push them out of your mind.

And as the old saying goes (you can apply this to your shyness)....
The people who mind dont matter; the people who matter dont mind.

IceniSky · 05/10/2019 10:24

I reframed my shyness into introvertness. Once I understood what an introvert was like, I realised maybe it wasnt all shyness. I dont apologise for the way I am.

If someone has a dig I'll tell them their opinion isn't important to me and I'll move away. Or tell them I like the way I am.

At work, if there is a meeting, I'll make sure I am prepared, write down what I want to say or want to get from the meeting. If I dont know something it is because I dont know something, not because I am quiet. I'll just say I'll find out.

I dont network. I socialise sometimes, but leave when I've had enough.

I'll think of conversations for social situations.

If I go red I think so what.

I seek out people interested in the same things I am. I find sport good for this as you do something rather than focus on conversation.

I smile. I try to think what I can do to help someone rather than focusing on my awkwardness.

CrystalShark · 05/10/2019 10:52

CBT won’t have helped if you were focusing on the wrong issue, sounds like after a number of sessions you and the therapist did realise that it was low self esteem you needed to work on rather than social anxiety but you ran out of time due to a limited number of sessions. Which happens unless you’re paying privately.

If you’re motivated to help yourself try this workbook:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem

CBT isn’t easy but it’s very effective in helping you to make long term changes to deep underlying issues if you’re able to put the work in. The link I shared is CBT based.

Original poster
DirtyBeetie · 05/10/2019 17:59

Euromillsplz i know you say it's a horrendous thing to say but this manager is regarded as lovely and nice which so far up until that point I thought she was. But sadly being the way that I am, even the most nicest people can't resist having a dig. I'm subjected to these types of comments all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
DirtyBeetie · 07/10/2019 17:36

Today was my first day in my new job and honest to god I really can't do it. I feel so awkward and they must be regretting even hiring me. I know first days at new jobs are pretty rubbish as you don't know what you're doing but I just have such a strong urge to not go back! All day I heard the words of the manager in my old workplace of how I'm too quiet and don't fit in. 🙁

OP posts:
CrystalShark · 07/10/2019 17:40

Did you check out the stuff I shared to help yourself OP?

Atalune · 07/10/2019 17:47

It’s not true though! Your old boss was rude to say it!

You’re quiet. So what?

Accept that making very small changes will help you but it will take time

Original poster
DirtyBeetie · 08/10/2019 06:43

CrystalShark yes thanks it looks good. I've only started and read a few pages.

Atalune it is true! That's why she even said it!

Honestly I think I'll never get over this. I feel it's too late for me. I won't be able to change. I hate myself for it.

I remember a few years ago my sister saying that if she hadaa business , she wouldn't offer me a job because I'm too quiet.

OP posts:
Original poster
DirtyBeetie · 08/10/2019 06:46

I feel so stuck. I've read so many books on CBT, on social anxiety, on confidence. Ive tried the NHS CBT. I'm so messed up that nothing seems to work. I'm a lost cause.

OP posts:
PastTheGin · 08/10/2019 06:54

You can do it, Beetie! I started a new job in September and the first day was shit, awkward, I hated it and cried in the way home Blush

Day 2 went so much better, though! Things can only get better from here. And you don’t have to suddenly become a social butterfly. You’re new and allowed to be quiet and insecure. Maybe ask a person who seems nice something and take it from there?

Good luck! Flowers

Oysterbabe · 08/10/2019 07:27

How old are you OP? I only ask because I used to be very shy but I find it lessens as time goes on. Now at nearly 40 I give much less of a shit what others think about me than when I was 20 and that gives me confidence to speak up.

Original poster
DirtyBeetie · 08/10/2019 07:50

Oysterbabe I'm nearly 40!

that's the thing. I've always heard it on here ppl saying as they got older they dont give a shit about what ppl think about them and how they're just so much more confident but I'm still the same. If I look back to when I was In my 20s then I guess I have improved marginally but that just highlights just how bad I am/ was. I honestly think my issue runs a lot deeper and is alot more complicated than just shyness. I really feel so down about it. It's really affected so many aspects of my life. It's been disabling.

OP posts:
CrystalShark · 08/10/2019 07:52

But didn’t you say your CBT was focused on the wrong thing (social anxiety rather than low self esteem) and by the time you figured it out you didn’t have chance to actually have enough sessions to treat the low self esteem?

So why are you writing yourself off as ‘CBT didn’t work’ when you know why? Why not give it another try?

mrsjackrussell · 08/10/2019 08:10

You sound like how I used to be. I found that getting a hobby that I was really interested in helped.

I think that when we are shy with low self esteem we are looking inwards. When we start focusing on the world around us and being interested it takes the focus off ourselves.

Have you any interests or hobbies? Join a group with like minded people then you will have something to talk about.

I really sympathise it's a horrible way to feel but there is a way out.

NewtonPulsifer · 08/10/2019 08:13

Introvert Doodles is amazing, so many people commenting feel exactly the same.
m.facebook.com/introvertdoodles/

Also the Blurt Foundation is marvellous,
www.blurtitout.org/2018/10/04/8-symptoms-social-anxiety/

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 08/10/2019 08:20

The vast majority of people would appear quiet on their first day in a new job. Please try not to beat yourself up so much. Someone who breezed into a new job like they owned the place would be very likely to irritate their new colleagues. Go back today and allow yourself to be quiet and have some time to find your feet. They obviously saw something they liked about you to offer you the job, so you can't be that much of a lost cause!

Ounce · 08/10/2019 08:31

You're at work to work, focus on that. Imagine your new colleagues are machines (they are, kind of) - use them to find out everything you need to know about the job you're being paid to do. Nothing else matters.

Ounce · 08/10/2019 08:32

Oh, and your previous manager was incredibly rude and is unfit to manage staff. I'm outraged on your behalf!

Original poster
DirtyBeetie · 08/10/2019 09:22

CrystalShark I've written myself off because all these years I've not been able to progress whlst I've seen overs flourish in life when I'm still stuck in the same place. I think my family by the comments they make also feel the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
DirtyBeetie · 08/10/2019 09:41

mrsjackrussell I did once join a photography course. I made no friends and spoke to noone in class. It was awful.

I've had jobs, done courses, forced myself to attend parties/ nights out etc. I've had a million social experiences but it doesn't matter how much i expose myself to them and endure them, im not getting used to it and comfortable with it. I honestly have never met anyone like me. Even my DH is quite introverted is totally fine with networking events and speaking with new people all day as part of his job. He said it gets easier the more you do it. But it doesn't for me.

OP posts:
DratThatCat · 08/10/2019 10:33

I empathise with you completely. I also did a course (art) in order to get me out of the house and attempt to socialize but I didn't speak to anyone and didn't even finish the course.

I want to recommend a book, Quiet by Susan Cain. It was a turning point for me. It made me realise that being quiet was actually a valid personality type, not just the consolation prize. I'm now proud of my quietness and if anyone dares suggest that I'm 'less than' for being quiet, I have a few (impolite) choice words for them.

I would also suggest therapy, probably not CBT as your issues seem deep rooted and you might benefit from 'inner child' work, as a PP mentioned. Look on the BACP website for counsellors in your area that specialise in self esteem work.

And as for your new job, you can do it. Just stick it out through the first few days of uncomfortableness (as intense as it is). You are good enough. It's ok to be you ❤️

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