Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu or is he tight

44 replies

Passthewinethanks · 30/09/2019 20:19

excuse my spelling terrible dyslexic please be kind
so engaged have 11 month old ds with fiance and 9 yo dd from previous realationship.
we live together.
dp got new job a while back, say 5/6 weeks ago, ive lost count (sleepless nights baby brain)
he had to work this amount of time lying on befire he got his first wage, fair enough.
anyway, cut a long story short. during this time he had no income, so i paid for everything, rent, council tax, gas , electric,food, clothes, petrol, EVERYTHING. job done.i didnt mind, he had no income.
thursday gone, he got paid.
dp has a child to previous realtionship, during the time he had no income, he couldnt pay maintence, therefore thursday gone he paid his ex what he owed her, for those weeks. and rightly bloody so.
anyways, thursday night i said 'wow its great we are not skint any more, ds is desperate for some new pjs and vests'
all hell broke loose.
i was accused of wanting to waste money, comparing what he pays in maintence to what i want (i personally want nothing from him our son needs new pjs) . he was shouting and really defensize, i hate arguments, i was in a violent abusive realationship for years and hate confrontation, so i simply calmy said, 'all i wanted was new pjs for ds forget it i will work something out, i can go to the charity shops. i thought that now you are in a new job, we should look at our finances again, together' to which he reluclently agreed too, but made me feel stupid whilst agreeing, rolling his eyes shaking his head, sarcasm, just made me feel like it was either a stupid idea or im a nag.
so all weekend its been like a cloud over us, hes never mentioned anything and neither have i. he obvisly dosent want to because he dosent want to part with anything, i dont want to because of the way he goes on.
he bought a takeaway on sat night for us. 15 pound.
fastforward to tonight.there is not a scap of food left in this house. so hes gone to asda. says hes off to buy a big food shop. for us all.
still havent discussed money. still dont know what he makes.or got on thur.

aibu in feeling like im being took for a fool hear?

bit of history, he moved in to my nice little house with me and dd after about year and half,
he had a flat that had no flooring on a very very rough estate (and im no snob ive lived in a council house all my life and still do)
ive always paid the rent (even when it went up when he moved in), council tax,gas and electric, tv, broadband basically everything . hes always paid food shopping and for our holiday. some weeks the food shopping isnt done, i just have to top it up for the kids, i dont say nothing as he has had jobs which didnt pay alot, and i didnt wanna pressure him, or make him feel like a loser. but this job is full time permanent basically a great job for the rest of his life.

he clearly has no intensions of talking about our money

i dunno what it is with me, i cant trust my own judgement, honestly am i being unresonable or is he being a tight arse

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2019 20:26

You’re not being unreasonable and his reaction to you raising the issue what your shared child needs was completely out of order. How have you been managing everything while he hasn’t been earning? He should be paying at least half of the rent. Children need food and clothes, that’s basic stuff, he can’t not buy the food you all need every week.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2019 20:27

...if you broke up you might be better off if he has to pay you child support. Something to think about if living with an angry stone walking irresponsible twat doesn’t float your boat.

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2019 20:29

Don't marry him
Chuck him out of your flat

Pinkyyy · 30/09/2019 20:30

He's a tight arse.

You need to get a proper arrangement in place in terms of finances. Be it a shared account that bills come out of, which you both add to equally, or some other way of doing it. He's a grown man with a full time job, he needs to pay rent.

Original poster
Passthewinethanks · 30/09/2019 20:33

I’ve managed because I work.basically I’ve been using all my wages to keep us afloat.just. And I’ve done it. I honestly feel like I should be thankful to him for going to Asda right now and actually buying the food shopping. Please make me realise I’m not being unreasonable.im going to talk to him when he comes in and I honestly don’t know where to start so upset that he has turned out to be another person that is trying to walk all over me. Not that I’m comparing to my vile ex. But I feel like a doormat yet againSad

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthewinethanks · 30/09/2019 20:34

Wish I had the back bone to say get on your bike mate lol

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 30/09/2019 20:39

Where does your income come from OP? Are you working and paying for childcare out of your wages too? On the face of it, he seems to be a huge drain on you. Getting food shopping isn't enough - that's supposed to make you feel grateful to him. You need to write a list of all your family outgoings and calmly show it to him. He should pay half or let you know why he can't and take it from there.

justthecat · 30/09/2019 20:46

Be interesting to see what shopping he buys,if it’s not sufficient I’d tell him you think he moved in too soon - get him out

Original poster
Passthewinethanks · 30/09/2019 20:47

I’m working so paying for every with my wages
No childcare costs thank god as grandparents

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 30/09/2019 20:48

Ah, cross-post. So your wages are paying for everything (including childcare, unless family are helping?).
Stay calm when you speak to him and be assertive with what you expect from him. He needs to draw a line under his past behaviour and contribute a set amount that you can rely on. Keep reiterating that you need to pool resources and plan as a family now that he can support his family.

SavageFenty · 30/09/2019 20:51

He brings nothing to your relationship. Kick him out and claim Child Maintenance straight away. You will otherwise have this constant battle all the time.

Hecateh · 30/09/2019 20:52

He is being massively unreasonable.

He should be paying half of all bills in the house - and he should back pay you for the last month at least.

The bills should be worked out and a joint account opened purely for bills. You should either each pay in half or - even better - put in a proportion according to your wages.

Say he has £900 a month after tax and maintenance and you have £1100 after tax then he contributes 9 twentieths and you contribute 11 twentieths. All though equal would be fine if the difference was small

Original poster
Passthewinethanks · 30/09/2019 20:53

Our rent is cheap as it’s council
But it’s not the point
My friends in the same boat as me financially and her and her put all there money together pay the bills etc and what’s left they share. Isn’t that the way it’s supposes to be?

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 30/09/2019 20:53

I think you need to write down what you want to say OP, having it in front of you will help you to say it. Don't feel like you've lost your relationship, you just need to make some changes and hopefully you'll see improvements. If you don't then you can take it from there.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2019 20:55

Jesus, tell him to pay half or to fuck off back to his last shit hole

He's making a mug of you.

Original poster
Passthewinethanks · 30/09/2019 20:56

You know hand on heart it isn’t the actual money what has hurt me it’s the fact that he has not mentioned it and it’s made me feel like a door mat

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 30/09/2019 20:57

I would ask him to pay as much rent as you think reasonable. I hope he’s not on the tenancy? He needs to also pay a fair share of bills, ie utilities and food/going out etc. He’s living the life of a single man as though he has no partner. This is very unfair on you. Is one of the dc his?

nocoolnamesleft · 30/09/2019 20:57

I believe the approved MN term is "cocklodger"?

Raspberrytruffle · 30/09/2019 20:58

Say ok fair enough to not pooling finances together, you want every penny that you lent him whilst unemployed and you will treat your child to what he needs with the money you get back. Tell him as its what he wanted he will be giving 50% of money to Bill's no less

LeahSMS · 30/09/2019 21:00

Oh wow how much would a pair of PJs be? That’s ridiculous unless he hasn’t got paid as much as he thought & he’s embarrassed?

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2019 21:01

You feel like a doormat because you're acting like one. Tell him to fuck off. Dodge the bullet while you can

Original poster
Passthewinethanks · 30/09/2019 21:02

@LeahSMS nah he’s been plenty. Came home with some nice new shoes the other day.price tag ripped off

OP posts:
Thelistwizard · 30/09/2019 21:05

What was the arrangement before he got his new job? /you had a baby together?

likeridingabike · 30/09/2019 21:05

LeahSMS That's no excuse for his behaviour.

Original poster
Passthewinethanks · 30/09/2019 21:07

@Thelistwizard
His jobs were agency.
Some ok pay some poor. He’s always paid just food shop and hoiday

OP posts: