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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu or is he tight

44 replies

Passthewinethanks · 30/09/2019 20:19

excuse my spelling terrible dyslexic please be kind
so engaged have 11 month old ds with fiance and 9 yo dd from previous realationship.
we live together.
dp got new job a while back, say 5/6 weeks ago, ive lost count (sleepless nights baby brain)
he had to work this amount of time lying on befire he got his first wage, fair enough.
anyway, cut a long story short. during this time he had no income, so i paid for everything, rent, council tax, gas , electric,food, clothes, petrol, EVERYTHING. job done.i didnt mind, he had no income.
thursday gone, he got paid.
dp has a child to previous realtionship, during the time he had no income, he couldnt pay maintence, therefore thursday gone he paid his ex what he owed her, for those weeks. and rightly bloody so.
anyways, thursday night i said 'wow its great we are not skint any more, ds is desperate for some new pjs and vests'
all hell broke loose.
i was accused of wanting to waste money, comparing what he pays in maintence to what i want (i personally want nothing from him our son needs new pjs) . he was shouting and really defensize, i hate arguments, i was in a violent abusive realationship for years and hate confrontation, so i simply calmy said, 'all i wanted was new pjs for ds forget it i will work something out, i can go to the charity shops. i thought that now you are in a new job, we should look at our finances again, together' to which he reluclently agreed too, but made me feel stupid whilst agreeing, rolling his eyes shaking his head, sarcasm, just made me feel like it was either a stupid idea or im a nag.
so all weekend its been like a cloud over us, hes never mentioned anything and neither have i. he obvisly dosent want to because he dosent want to part with anything, i dont want to because of the way he goes on.
he bought a takeaway on sat night for us. 15 pound.
fastforward to tonight.there is not a scap of food left in this house. so hes gone to asda. says hes off to buy a big food shop. for us all.
still havent discussed money. still dont know what he makes.or got on thur.

aibu in feeling like im being took for a fool hear?

bit of history, he moved in to my nice little house with me and dd after about year and half,
he had a flat that had no flooring on a very very rough estate (and im no snob ive lived in a council house all my life and still do)
ive always paid the rent (even when it went up when he moved in), council tax,gas and electric, tv, broadband basically everything . hes always paid food shopping and for our holiday. some weeks the food shopping isnt done, i just have to top it up for the kids, i dont say nothing as he has had jobs which didnt pay alot, and i didnt wanna pressure him, or make him feel like a loser. but this job is full time permanent basically a great job for the rest of his life.

he clearly has no intensions of talking about our money

i dunno what it is with me, i cant trust my own judgement, honestly am i being unresonable or is he being a tight arse

OP posts:

LeahSMS · 30/09/2019 21:11

I agree Op pretty shitty of him. Very selfish

GettingABitDesperateNow · 30/09/2019 21:11

So he pays food shopping when he can be bothered and you pay rent and bills and everything else? Bloody hell OP he is not just tight he is taking the piss.

He has also been aggressive and unreasonable. You have been paying every single thing for him for months and wanted some vests and pjs for your son so 20 quid and he has caused an argument about it to discourage you from asking again

Yes most people that live together know what the other person earns and they split the bills in a way that is fair to them both sg in proportion to what they earn or so they have the same amount of spending money left over after bills

I'd sit him down and say how disappointed you feel that after sharing all your money for the past few months, that he has acted so moodily when you asked him to share a tiny amount back. How you feel hurt that he wont share information about his finances. That if you want an equal relationship based on trust and respect you need him to start acting like he is in a partnership and that includes being open and honest about money.

Pinkyyy · 30/09/2019 21:12

I'm sorry OP but there comes a point when you're responsible for what you allow to happen to you. If you've only made him pay for food then you've been a fool. Grow a spine and put a stop to this, tonight.

Write a lot of the total amount of bills each month. Tell him to start by transferring you half of that amount immediately, for last month.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 30/09/2019 21:12

Do you think he would have paid for absolutely everything for you without complaint if were between jobs?

LeahSMS · 30/09/2019 21:12

@likeridingabike I only asked due to my OH his work is unpredictable when he doesn’t make what he should make he goes quiet & touchy but due to him splashing out on himself clearly that’s not the case.

TheKarateKitty · 30/09/2019 21:12

This makes me sad as well as angry, for you and your little one.

You’re perfectly reasonable to want to be open and in agreement on fair finances. Yes, they should be shared either 50:50 or to scale of pay. As should the chores etc. Don’t feel grateful that he’s gone to do the food shop. He should be doing it! Isn’t that why he’s called a partner?

Wanting to provide basics for your child (who is his too) is reasonable. It seems this is his personality, going by his over the top (dickhead) reaction and continued efforts to avoid the subject and lack of apology?

Graphista · 30/09/2019 21:14

Seriously - get rid!

He is financially abusing you and has been from the beginning!

Sit down and go through your online bank statement and work out how much HE OWES YOU for:

HIS share of rent, council tax and utilities since he moved in

EVERYTHING you covered for him while he wasn't earning including HIS share of your (joint) child's costs

I think doing this might just give YOU the kick needed to kick him out!

You ALSO seem to have rushed into things! You've only been living together 18 months and already have an 11 month old? So you fell pregnant before he moved in? Would I be right in guessing unplanned pregnancy and he moved in when he did because you were pregnant? How long were you together before he moved in?

"I believe the approved MN term is "cocklodger"?" Yep!

This "man" is causing you AND your children to go without so he can have his needs AND wants met.

Do yourself and your kids a huge favour and boot him!

The ONLY way it would be acceptable for him to stay is a grovelling apology and him repaying or agreeing to a schedule to repay you what he owes you.

Because he DOES owe you.

Makes me so angry, these excuses for "men" absolutely know how much it costs to run a home and raise children yet use manipulation and aggression to get out of paying their way.

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 30/09/2019 21:15

He is bang out of order. You can’t spend the rest of your life like this.

TheKarateKitty · 30/09/2019 21:15

Oops, I had this on the previous post but it didn’t load.

LeahSMS · 30/09/2019 21:17

What does he spend his money on Op? If you don’t mind me asking. I mean do you pay everything & have no money left & he pays next to nothing & has a lot left?

cacklingmags · 30/09/2019 21:18

He got angry when you asked about money to try to frighten you into not asking about money. Don't buy the intimidation tactics and don't be afraid. If you don't sort this out now you and your kids will be poor forever while he spends his earnings on shoes. It is called financial abuse and is against the law. Tell him this and that he has to pay up or fuck the fuck off. Tight fisted wanker.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 30/09/2019 21:18

If he's gone to Asda why can't he put some PJs in the trolley for the 11 month old? They sell baby clothes! He sounds really selfish.

rededucator · 30/09/2019 21:23

I've just looked on Assad website. £2.75 for 3 bodysuits and £5 for pjs size 12 months. Send him some links and ask him to pop them into his 'big shop'

rededucator · 30/09/2019 21:26

*Asda And if a man can spend money on new shoes and a take out for himself but grudge his baby new vests and pjs then he's no man in my eyes.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/09/2019 21:37

OP everything you have is HIS.. everything he has is also HIS.. you will not have an equal loving balanced secure future with this man.

IncrediblySadToo · 30/09/2019 21:45

He’s a cocklodger. You’ve been keeping him
for months

You’d be SO much better off financially if you sent him packing.

Then you’d be better off emotionally too (after the first wobbly bit) because it’s draining being taken for a mug.

Just because he’s not as bad as your ex doesn’t mean he’s good enough for you!

Do it now and DS won’t remember any different and DD will be fine - she has you! Neither of them need this selfish cocklodger

YOU deserve so much more than someone who thinks so little of you

OooErMissus · 01/10/2019 02:15

Ditch the loser, and you will be so much better off - financially and emotionally/mentally.

prawnonthebarbie · 01/10/2019 03:29

You need to tell him to leave op. You know that.

Mothership4two · 01/10/2019 04:07

So you have been keeping him afloat and he loses it when you mention buying some kids vests? What's yours is his and what's his is his. Doing the shopping now and again does not equate to the amounts needed for rent and bills. Either you need to start a joint account where you pay in equal amounts now that he is earning (keeping your own account separate) or he needs to go away and have a big think about being a grown up. But you have to stand up and put your kids and yourself first.

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