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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if your a girl in this generation it’s bloody tough

45 replies

Itsallrainbows · 30/09/2019 18:11

My dd is struggling so muchin her new school, she just can’t seem to make friends.
We moved her from her old one for this same reason. Kids particularly other girls being nasty to her and making her miserable. It was heartbreaking, hearing her tell me that no one wanted to be her friend and they were saying nasty things to her.
So eventually we moved her school hoping things would get better.
But no, she’s come home in tears 3 days in a row saying all the girls are running away from her when she tries to play with them.
It is so, so hard watching your child go through this.
I know I’m going to sound biased and maybe I am, but I can’t understand what is ‘wrong’ with her, why don’t other kids want to be her friend? Why is she so unpopular?
She’s kind and approachable, Maybe a bit shy and quiet and lack of confidence due to past experiences.
But nothing that would make me think kids actually want to run away from her.
Is it really just that tough being a girl in this day and age?
I never experienced anything like this at school, at least not until high school

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 30/09/2019 18:14

I'm really sorry your dd is going through this.

I went through the exact same thing in 1991. I'm sorry but I think being a girl has always been bloody difficult. Have you spoken to the school re anti bullying policy.

WhimToo · 30/09/2019 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 30/09/2019 18:19

How old is she? Does she do any clubs or activities away from school? Something to boost her confidence and mix with other kids.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/09/2019 18:21

How old

Bucatini · 30/09/2019 18:22

This hasn't been my experience OP (I've found it more for my DSs than my DD) but I'm very sorry to hear your DD is struggling.

Can you invite a couple of the girls over (separately I mean) for a play date? This may help your DD build friendships on a one-to-one basis. How about after school clubs - you don't say her age, but beavers / cubs / scouts can be great for this kind of thing. Or is she into sports or drama or anything? This kind of thing can help her gain confidence and social skills.

Also, a quiet word with the teacher to she if she can help.

BitchySite · 30/09/2019 18:24

How old is your kid?
Is there an obvious difference?
Black child in a predominantly white school etc?
Is your kid hygienic?
Are there clothes fashionable, not chavvy stuff but not old fashioned either.
These things shouldn't matter but they do to kids.

BitchySite · 30/09/2019 18:25

Their not there

NailsNeedDoing · 30/09/2019 18:26

What your dd is going through sounds horrible, and it must be heartbreaking to watch, but yabu to think girls today have it any harder than they always have done, and I disagree that things are worse for girls.

It makes no difference if you are a girl or a boy if you don't have friends to play with and you're bullied or excluded, it's going to hurt any child. How well they cope with it depends on their personality, not their sex.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/09/2019 18:28

Oh, this is tough. However, As harsh as it sounds, maybe you need to examine more closely why she's the common denominator. I do think it would be unusual to be bullied in one school, then to move and have exactly the same thing happen again, without some 'cause'. Maybe I'm naive though. Do you get a chance to observe her playing through outside of school activities etc?

JustDanceAddict · 30/09/2019 18:29

That’s sad. How old is she and how does she come across to other kids?
Are there boys in the school that might be more approachable?
Some Kids just have the x-factor when it comes to making friends. When dd was in primary she was drawn to certain popular girls and I think that it must work in the opposite way too, but there isn’t something you can specifically put your finger on w these kids.
DDwas somewhere in the middle, quiet but not bullied like your DD, although struggled a bit w friendships (cos she was a quiet type) and not traditionally girly. You have to confirm which is sad, but true! She has found her way now at 17 but has gone for the ‘alternative’ path!!

CAG12 · 30/09/2019 18:33

How awful. I think they playground can be an awful place.

You do need to be objective about this though. Or talk to someone who can be. Perhaps arrange a meeting with a teacher (probably without your daughter knowing). Maybe the teacher can offer some insight into whats happening?

Does she have any interests outside of school? Perhaps get her involved in a club or something, just for confidence. My parents always had a rule with me that I 'wasnt allowed to do nothing' (after school). I think this did a lot for my confidence tbh

user87382294757 · 30/09/2019 18:35

It can be difficult moving into an established group. This may account for the new school, and maybe there was another issue at the old one. It is hard- I had this and with me it was being from a different area / accent. I wonder if speaking to the tutor at the school might help. Maybe joining some after school clubs or another thing maybe outwith school such as Guides, might be helpful

Adversecamber22 · 30/09/2019 18:44

Children are no more judgemental than adults they just haven’t learned what is socially acceptable though some adults don’t have a filter either.

Nice is not always a quality valued as much as it should be. The most popular kids at DS old school were well off and let everyone know this cheeky and a bit naughty sometimes. They could play to an audience and entertain.

Hopefully she will find her group, I would get her in to extra curricular activities if possible.

Atalune · 30/09/2019 18:45

How old is she?

What’s the school doing?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/09/2019 18:54

Her confidence plunged when she had to move schools and its difficult breaking in to a new school. I do feel for you. It is a confidence thing..The best way to do that is to get her as many afterschool/weekend things to do as possible... so that school is not everything.. and she might even meet some people from her new school. Does she have any other non school friends, or cousins even that she could have a good day out with at the weekend?
Def talk to the teachers and see if they can get her more involved in things. Good luck xx

Hold34 · 30/09/2019 19:00

OP this must be heartbreaking for you. I echo other posters, could you invite one of the others round for a playdate? Enrol her in some after school activities? Most of all though I would take this up with the school urgently, they should have anti bullying policies in place and need to show you what they are doing to support your DD.

I hope things get better for you and your DD soon Flowers

HotChocWithCream · 30/09/2019 19:15

I would NOT mention anti bullying policies with new school. I very much suspect she is not currently being bullied but is down/upset as a fall out of issues at the other school and the fact that the new school doesn't meet her hopes (i.e. immediately make new friends).

I'd have a discreet word with staff to ask for their insight into what EXACTLY is happening in the playground (this will most likely come from classroom assistants). Ask them to keep a careful eye for a few days. Then based on their observations I'd take action to address whatever issues it throws up.

NaviSprite · 30/09/2019 19:35

I was just like your daughter when I was in primary - I had issues at the first one, friends from the pre-school groups developed cliques and I seemed to miss out. But I was a kid often off in my own world anyway.

I moved when my Grandparents moved to another village, then I was the new kid and new kids always have it rough for a while. I don’t know how long it took but by the time I finished primary school I had two really good friends but we were the outcasts in a sense.

I had issues because I dressed ‘funny’ I was raised by my Grandparents so their fashion sense wasn’t exactly up to date, my clothes were clean but smelt of cigarette smoke all the time because both GP’s smoked like chimneys so I was the ‘smelly’ kid. I’m not saying your DD is any of those things of course, but through all that I still found my niche and I’m still friends with those two girls (obviously now women) today. My friendship group did extend a little when I got to secondary school as well.

LagunaBubbles · 30/09/2019 19:50

I don't think the struggle to make friends and bullying are just a girl thing, my DS is going through something similar.

do think it would be unusual to be bullied in one school, then to move and have exactly the same thing happen again, without some 'cause'. Maybe I'm naive though

No just victim blaming. Hmm

Mamabear12 · 30/09/2019 20:09

How old is she? If young, set up loads of play dates. Make an effort on her behalf. Be friendly to the other parents and proactive. I made a huge effort when my dc started new schools. And half way through the school year I transferred my dd to a bilingual school; where she didn’t speak the second language. Made a huge effort. She quickly made friends; quickly learned the language etc. I went through the parent contact list and emailed or texted introducing myself and asking for a play date or meet up in the park to get to know the people. I first selected the girls bc my dd has mainly interest to play w girls. And ones that live close to me so it’s easier (the address is in contact list). Some people were not so interested as too busy. But most were nice and willing to meet. Good way to help get friendships started. I also made an effort to chat to the dc in her class if they approached us. Sometimes my dd ignores or doesn’t respond (I think she is shy). So I would then resound “hello! A (my dd) did you hear B say hello? How are you? Did you have a good day?” This would then get convo started. Or why don’t you girls play? Or do you want to play (would say this if they were also in the park after school). But if older, that can be more tricky unfortunately. As girls can be mean when they are older :(

Mamabear12 · 30/09/2019 20:11

Also wanted to mention that at my dd school the new kid always gets positive attention. The other dc want to help out, include them, get to know them etc. That is what my dd said anyway when a new girl joined last year the last month of school.

Pheasantplucker2 · 30/09/2019 20:17

I think once you've been bullied it's very hard to break out of the victim mentality and you give off the vibes that it's ok to pick on you.

I just wanted to mention something in case it's worth looking in to. My daughter had a very similar experience, it turns out she is autistic. No one would know or believes it when I tell them, she doesn't present in anyway as people's perceptions of how an autistic child would behave. She's just a bit socially unaware, very anxious and doesn't read body language and facial expressions very well. There isn't anything obvious about her that you could say "this is off-putting", but somehow the girls sense she's a bit immature, a but anxious and the mean girls seized on it and made her their target. However, even the "nice" girls get a bit exasperated with her lack of sophistication.

She tries really hard to fit in, and I think that's a bit off-putting too.

In all other ways she is a model pupil, high grades, finds talking to adults, older kids and younger children fine, it's just her peers.

Worth considering.

Original poster
Itsallrainbows · 30/09/2019 20:54

She’s just turned 6.
And no I don’t think there is anything that makes her different.
I e thought the same thing, I’ve wracked my brains trying to think of something that would make kids not like her, but I just don’t know.
She wears nice clothes, that she gets complimented on a lot.
She doesn’t smell, she has a bath every other day, and brushes her teeth twice a day.
Her clothes are always clean.

I really, really don’t know what it is.
I sometimes wish I could be a fly on the wall and witness how she interacts/ plays with all the other kids. But obviously I can’t.
She has some friends outside of school, and she plays nicely with them. But it seems she’s better on a one on one basis rather than in a group.
Thank you for all your replies, it makes me feel like I’m not just being dramatic and this isn’t something I should just hope gets better with time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsallrainbows · 30/09/2019 20:57

Also in regards to clubs outside school.
I’ve tried but she has such little confidence now that, she just doesn’t want to do them anymore.
She’s gone from a happy lovely child to a miserable nightmare of a child.
Every single day is a battle to get her to do anything.
I will speak to the school of course, but I’m losing hope a bit

OP posts:
june2007 · 30/09/2019 21:02

It is sad but nothing to do with generation x or what ever there have always been the odd ones out, the ones that aren't excepted, the square pegs. Going to another club where she can make new friends out of school may well help.