To think if your a girl in this generation it’s bloody tough

[Itsallrainbows]

My dd is struggling so muchin her new school, she just can’t seem to make friends.
We moved her from her old one for this same reason. Kids particularly other girls being nasty to her and making her miserable. It was heartbreaking, hearing her tell me that no one wanted to be her friend and they were saying nasty things to her.
So eventually we moved her school hoping things would get better.
But no, she’s come home in tears 3 days in a row saying all the girls are running away from her when she tries to play with them.
It is so, so hard watching your child go through this.
I know I’m going to sound biased and maybe I am, but I can’t understand what is ‘wrong’ with her, why don’t other kids want to be her friend? Why is she so unpopular?
She’s kind and approachable, Maybe a bit shy and quiet and lack of confidence due to past experiences.
But nothing that would make me think kids actually want to run away from her.
Is it really just that tough being a girl in this day and age?
I never experienced anything like this at school, at least not until high school

Oh she’s still quite little. Is she fun and sparky and initiates games?
What seems to put girls off from my observations is “straight talking” which can be construed as rudeness, over bearing bossiness, or too far the other way quiet non contributing and / or needy.

I started a new school when I was 7.
I had no one to play with , sat on a wall on my own , some girls approached me and that was that.
That was on my first day and the girls weren't in my class.
Perhaps your daughter can sit near girls from another class during play time, girls she doesn't see every single minute.
Just throwing out ideas.

@Itsallrainbows Hi OP, sorry you and your DD are going through this, it sounds really tough.
As you said it would be good to be a ‘fly on the wall’, I’d recommend volunteering to go on the next school trip as a helper, and see how your DD interacts with others, and how they interact with her. She and they may act differently of course with you and other adults around (who aren’t teachers), however it’s difficult for 6 year olds to act differently for a whole trip.
Might be better than nothing...
Whenever I’ve been helping on a school trip, it’s been fascinating to see how all of the children chat to one another, who are the most dominant characters, who are the shy ones, who gravitates towards who, etc
It’ll give a good insight into the general class dynamic.

I k or this is going to be a slightly ‘out there’ suggestion, but do you think she’d like to try horse riding? I used to be exactly the same and horses basically saved me. I ended up spending every weekend at the stables and my confidence grew massively. I ended up with a big group of friends, and when my bully tried to muscle in on my hobby all my friends basically saw her off.

It ended up a profound effect on my life.

Another idea OP, but it very much depends on the school/her teachers:
Perhaps ask to have a word with her teacher to explain your fears and concerns (apologies if you already mentioned if you’ve done this) - ask if there’s anything they can suggest to help your DD integrate more. Could they set up a ‘buddy system’ for instance, or a little friendship club at lunchtimes?
Totally different circumstances, but in a situation I had with my DD (related to home life rather than school), the teachers had noticed my DD being very down and anxious, so arranged a lunchtime friendship club once a week with a small group of girls, where they’d do a craft, stories, games etc. However, it very much depends on how invested the teachers are/how much time they have etc

Thank you for the suggestions.
@MsTSwift, I think maybe because of what’s happened. She may suffer with her confidence more than I’m aware of. Therefore may come across overly needy or shy.
I will definitely look into more after school clubs to help her out a bit more.
@BitchySite I’ve suggested she plays with other children. Maybe ones from a different class or maybe the boys might be a bit more accepting of her.
But I think she’s got into her head who she wants to be friends with and she’s going to stick at that. I mean all I can do is suggest things, it’s up to her to make her own mind up about who she really wants to play with unfortunately.
@tigerbear thank you for that suggestion of helping out on a school trip, I hadn’t actually thought of that so I will try giving it a go. Also I will speak to the school and see what they suggest in terms of extra help. I’m hoping they suggest an extra club or buddy system in school time. That would help her so much
@sheshootssheimplores horse riding sounds amazing and I think she’d be really into it. I’ll have a look around and suggest it to her.

My dd2 wasn’t really in a group until year 4 when classes mixed. There just weren’t likeminded girls in her class it wasn’t anything she was doing. She used to read in the library some lunchtimes. She’s a queen bee now in year 6 things not set in stone at age 6

My dc 6 has a birth defect which is obviously prime material for bullying. I have and do work very hard at trying to bullet-proof my dc against it (although I do know its impossible for me to stop if it comes to it)
Anyway, things I do are :
-Always emphasise the importance of family, siblings, cousins and the good times we have together. That we'll always be there for each other.
-Hobbies outside school. As many as you can manage.
-Keeping in touch with your own friends who have kids and visiting them a lot (young kids love older kids/teens. Don't always have to be same age)
-chat to kids in her class. Say hello, be friendly, look pretty/cool when picking her up. I know this sounds silly, but I think it helps if other kids think your mom is cool. I used to get a lot of friends as a kid because my mom baked the most amazing cakes and everyone wanted to come to my house after school to eat them.
-ask the teacher every day how the day was and talk to them about the bullying. Ask their help for stopping it.
-let dc choose their clothes for important events so that she feels confident
-Tell her honestly about your struggles (I'm sure we all have some) with finding friends and bullying. If there's anyone else you know who's been through it, tell her about them. Let her know it's not easy to find friends and that friends come and go. Things will change for the better. Also tell her bullying is wrong and that she can always ask grown-ups for help.

My dc went through about 6 months of being excluded from games and being left out. It all changed when the main ringleader changed schools and my dc became friends with the other children in that group. There is hope!!

Thank you. I am really hoping this isn’t how it’s always going to be.
I’d love her to just find her likeminded group of friends

@Mellowyellowjello. Thank you for the pointers.
I plan on being as pro active about this as. Possible, starting with arranging a meeting with the school and take it from there

She is very small
But I agree with getting a better insight
Go on school trips and have a chat with teacher . It’s unusual for wee ones to be so unkind so some detective work is worth it
Hang tight

Also some of us will always be the odd ones out. I am one and I am married to one. But better be n odd one out then a clone.

But I think she’s got into her head who she wants to be friends with and she’s going to stick at that

This stands out to me as the problem. Are all the girls bullying her? Or has she picked out a clique of popular girls and decided she's determined to get into that group who are not welcoming her?

Is it possible she is overlooking others in her class who might be nicer?

My Dd is 8 but had no confidence and only one friend who she would get very upset with if she played with others.
She has hearing difficulties and wears hearing aids but nobody appeared or comment on it so not that.
Anyway we decided to try and help her to increase her confidence ao she joined dance classes and also a local stage school.
It's been 2 years of her going to these and we really had to encourage her as she often didn't want to go but this last month I have seen such a change in her. She has much more confidence and it realy enjoying her hobbies. She has even danced solos in competitions and won 2 medals.
We have noticed she's playing more with other kids and doing much better in school work too.
I'd say find something that she is good at and stick with it. It's all about self Confidence in my opinion.

At 6 I think the teacher can do something. I would arrange a meeting and explain your concerns. It's important they know she was bullied at her last school and is experiencing the same now.

I was a new girl at a school when I was 8. They paired me up with someone who became my best friend. She was the loveliest and most popular girl in our class and as a result I made loads of friends. The teacher knew what she was doing when she chose that girl to look after me.

At this age the school can do something. They could ask a "nice" girl to look after her. I have a 6 year old girl and I know if my DD was asked to look after someone who wasn't a bit sad at school she would see that as the most important job in the world and absolutely make sure that she looked after your dd.

Please speak to the school. They also might be able to offer some insight.

Sorry it should say "was a bit sad"

My dd was like this, she was much better in a small group of 2 or 3 rather than a bigger group and as a result she struggled all though primary. Every time she found a friend they moved schools, it happened 4 times! And every time her friends moved on her heart broke and she struggled even more.
All I could do was encourage her to keep trying and lots of extra curricular clubs.
She’s now at high school and has finally found her people, she’s made a great group of friends and is finally happy.

What your dd is going through sounds horrible, and it must be heartbreaking to watch, but yabu to think girls today have it any harder than they always have done, and I disagree that things are worse for girls

There are also a couple of things you've said that stand out to me.
One is that you have said she manages better at home with one friend, than in a group, and the other is I think she’s got into her head who she wants to be friends with and she’s going to stick at that.

So, when she was struggling in her first school, what did staff say then, when you asked them about what she is like in school, or if they could see any reason why she might be struggling. Or if there was anything they could do to support her ?

**But I think she’s got into her head who she wants to be friends with and she’s going to stick at that.

OP this stood out for me too. It looks like she is focusing on who SHE wants to be friends with, not who would like to be friends with her.

For whatever reason, it looks like she is disregarding children who could be friends.

I’d be amazed if the teacher hadn’t set up a buddy system for her, but first step would be to check.

Perhaps a chat about giving everyone a chance to be friends would help? It looks like she is being too picky. At 6 most children are naturally curious and interested in each other.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I know at her last school she did seem to obsess
Over certain girls and really want to be their friend.
But I think she has a different attitude now and is trying different friendships with different people, just none of it seems to working unfortunately.
@BackforGood her last school were pretty useless, it was so obvious how miserable she was and it was never mentioned. They would constantly try to make excuses whenever I bought it up. Not much was actually suggested to me for me to try or anything that they could do apart from “watch her” which I don’t think they did much of.

It’s difficult to know exactly what’s going, without actually going in there and observing for myself.
All I know is she’s really lacking confidence and therefore trying so desperately to make friends, or possibly she finds someone she wants to be friends with and it’s off putting.

I’m going to look into more after school clubs and speak with the school.
I think helping out with things in the school would help aswell.