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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike a 4 year old?

33 replies

Blahh243 · 30/09/2019 18:04

I know this will sound horrible but I really dislike a friend of mine's daughter. She's 4.5, my son is 3 and they have regular playdates with breaks in between when I need it. Her mother is really nice and we've grown close the past 2 years since we've both left our home countries and settled here. She's supported me many times when I needed it and I did the same for her. But I do find her daughter's behaviour unbearable most of the time. She needs CONSTANT attention. Her mum and I can't have a chat for a minute when the children are playing, she'd come and grab her face and ask her to do whatever she wants. She has a 2 year old brother and the lovely thing never gets attention because of her. If I praise him she smacks him the moment after and all her mum does is say "no we don't hit" in a relaxed voice. Lately it's been my son she smacks as well out of the blue when they're playing. I look to her mum waiting for a reaction, so she tells her to say sorry and the little girl says no or says sorry while laughing. Then the mum comes up with some excuse that she's tired or hasn't had 1 on 1 time for a while because of her brother or whatever. The girl is also very bossy and wants the other children to follow her instructions and when they don't she has a melt down, sometimes slaps herself on the cheeks. She gives them both strange ANGRY looks in the middle of playing. All her mum does is ask her if she needs a hug! She asked us before to leave her house before while throwing a huge tantrum while her mum tried in vain to calm her down for 15 minutes I had to leave. Her mum ends up apologizing tons but she just doesn't sit boundaries for her. The thing is she is lovely at preschool and when I babysit her alone with my son she's so calm and listens to me as long as I sit boundaries. And Don't get me wrong my boy has his moments and drives me crazy sometimes, but he knows his boundaries when it comes to respecting others and apologising when he needs to. I really don't want him to think it's okay to hit others and it's just not fair for him since it keeps happening and he doesn't even get a proper apology. Now the question is, is this normal behaviour for a 4 year old? Should I have a talk with my friend even though that would risk ending the friendship? Need some opinions here please.

OP posts:
hazeyjane · 30/09/2019 18:07

I wouldn't talk to my friend about it.

Sparklesocks · 30/09/2019 18:09

What could you possibly say that wouldn’t impact your friendship? Either ‘I don’t like your kid’ or ‘I don’t like your parenting’.

Venger · 30/09/2019 18:10

I'm sure your friend is well aware of her daughter's behaviour but different parents have different expectations and different boundaries, ultimately it's up to her how to parent her daughter. If you raise it you risk losing the friendship because any sort of negative comment is likely to be taken as personal criticism, it's one of those issues where you need to wait for her to raise it first and then you can tactfully say the things you've noticed.

In the meantime could you meet up more without the DC and limit the frequency and length of playdates?

EssentialHummus · 30/09/2019 18:11

In your shoes I’d speak to or message her outside of a meetup and explain that your DC can’t keep getting injured by hers, so can she please be more proactive when they play together.

More generally? I don’t like some friends’ kids, and it’s not just down to behaviour either. But I don’t have much tolerance for poor behaviour caused/exacerbated/not reined in by the parents.

Venger · 30/09/2019 18:12

In your shoes I’d speak to or message her outside of a meetup and explain that your DC can’t keep getting injured by hers, so can she please be more proactive when they play together

And the kiss the friendship goodbye because there's no way she will want to hang out with you after that.

Lllot5 · 30/09/2019 18:16

I would say something about my child being hit. If she doesn’t like it she can lump it. But I wouldn’t sit still for it.

ooooohbetty · 30/09/2019 18:19

Try to remember it's not the child's fault she behaves like that. It's the mums fault for allowing it.

hazeyjane · 30/09/2019 18:21

It really does sound as though you have decided (and persuaded posters here) that any difficult behaviours are die to faults with her parenting....I don't think you have much of a friendship to be honest.

Stompythedinosaur · 30/09/2019 18:22

I would suggest you focus on childfree meet ups since the dc aren't getting on at present.

If you have to be together in the future I would watch like a hawk and firmly intervene if she hurts your dc.

Stompythedinosaur · 30/09/2019 18:23

I also agree it is your friend's parenting to blame rather than the little girl.

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/09/2019 18:25

What sparklesocks said sorry 🤷‍♀️

Moomin8 · 30/09/2019 18:26

Obviously YABU. You can't blame a 4 year old child for her behaviour Hmm

RachelEllenR · 30/09/2019 18:29

I had a friend with a child i didn't much like. Don't say anything. Arrange to see her without the children. My friend's daughter is much older now and lovely and I am glad I didn't ruin the friendship.

I'm also a lot less judgey now I have my own difficult child (and one really easy one). Though I still think my friends' parenting wasn't ideal, sometimes it's hard to know what to do and hearing it from you will end the friendship.

Katex888 · 30/09/2019 18:29

Sounds like a nightmare, if you want to continue the friendship it’s best you meet her without the kids. I can’t stand any of my friends children, and they feel the same, so we meet without the kids and it’s bliss.

thatoldpinkumbrella · 30/09/2019 18:32

I would immediately say something when a child hurts my kid.
Apart from that, either you run away or you only arrange to meet as an adult.

No such parent will ever gracefully accept that their child is anything but an amazing lovely caring genius. The ones who try to put boundaries are at least trying, and telling them wouldn't help either, they are already on it!

EssentialHummus · 30/09/2019 18:36

And the kiss the friendship goodbye because there's no way she will want to hang out with you after that.

I’d be fine with that given the alternative, personally. No friendship is worth so much that I’ll watch my kid get thumped. Otherwise PP’s suggestion of adult only meetings may do it.

nestisflown · 30/09/2019 18:39

If you want to preserve your friendship, you're either going to have to meet up without the children, or you're going to have to passive agressively tell the child off through speaking to your son "I'm sorry she hit you, that's not nice is to, we don't hit and in our house children who hit get a time out". That way your son at least will see some consistency in expectations of behaviour from you.

Moomin8 · 30/09/2019 18:41

If she's 4.5 she will very recently have started school I think. Maybe that's affecting her behaviour.

SherbetSaucer · 30/09/2019 18:43

YANBU! I don’t like any children! 😂

Fatted · 30/09/2019 18:45

It's not the 4YO that's the issue here. It's the mum really. I'm not making excuses, but I had a two year age gap and it is bloody hard. I don't think your friend will be particularly receptive to your 'feedback' on her parenting however well intended. Meet up without the kids.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/09/2019 18:47

You could just give a vague "the kids aren't getting on at the moment" type excuse and try to have childfree get togethers for a bit. Telling someone their parenting is crap is never going to end well even if what you say is true.

Whatisthisfuckery · 30/09/2019 18:49

Sounds like crap parenting tbh.

I had a friend, haven’t spoken to her for years, she has a DS a year younger than mine. Her DS was the most whingey, spoilt little brat I’ve ever met. I don’t generally dislike little children but he was awful. He’d kick off in a shop because his mum wouldn’t buy him something, then they’d have a 10 minute showdown while she tried to negotiate with him. It would usually end in him being bought something else as a compromise. It was utterly ridiculous. The father was just as bad.

That was shit parenting though, the little brat was doing what he could get away with. He knew if he kept on he’d win.It’s not the kid’s fault. If he’d got parents who set boundaries and stuck to them he would’ve been completely different. Sounds like this girl is the same.

SheldonandMama · 30/09/2019 18:49

Children can vary a lot in temperament. This 4yo girl sounds of the trickier variety. Your friend sounds as though she is trying to model calm, appropriate behaviour. The thing is her dd is older and presumably bigger than your ds. When she does hit it's going to hurt more because of her size. Either way she needs an adult to intervene immediately when she does. I'd be tempted to intervene and say 'kind hands' if she gets physical. If she then continues 'kind hands or play finishes'. If her mum has a problem with that, I'd end play dates. She isnt doing her dc and favours by acting as though it's no big deal. The most important thing is that you conceal your dislike for the dd. Little kids make mistakes, they experiment with behaviour and see what happens. They also copy behaviour they see. Try not to blame her or show your annoyance. Good luck.

hazeyjane · 30/09/2019 18:51

...or you're going to have to passive agressively tell the child off through speaking to your son "I'm sorry she hit you, that's not nice is to, we don't hit and in our house children who hit get a time out".
This would be a cracking way to end the friendship. I would happily tell a friend pulling this 'passive aggressive' horse crap to stroll on.

NoTheresa · 30/09/2019 18:55

How horrible for the poor children who are being hit.