To dislike a 4 year old?

[Blahh243]

I know this will sound horrible but I really dislike a friend of mine's daughter. She's 4.5, my son is 3 and they have regular playdates with breaks in between when I need it. Her mother is really nice and we've grown close the past 2 years since we've both left our home countries and settled here. She's supported me many times when I needed it and I did the same for her. But I do find her daughter's behaviour unbearable most of the time. She needs CONSTANT attention. Her mum and I can't have a chat for a minute when the children are playing, she'd come and grab her face and ask her to do whatever she wants. She has a 2 year old brother and the lovely thing never gets attention because of her. If I praise him she smacks him the moment after and all her mum does is say "no we don't hit" in a relaxed voice. Lately it's been my son she smacks as well out of the blue when they're playing. I look to her mum waiting for a reaction, so she tells her to say sorry and the little girl says no or says sorry while laughing. Then the mum comes up with some excuse that she's tired or hasn't had 1 on 1 time for a while because of her brother or whatever. The girl is also very bossy and wants the other children to follow her instructions and when they don't she has a melt down, sometimes slaps herself on the cheeks. She gives them both strange ANGRY looks in the middle of playing. All her mum does is ask her if she needs a hug! She asked us before to leave her house before while throwing a huge tantrum while her mum tried in vain to calm her down for 15 minutes I had to leave. Her mum ends up apologizing tons but she just doesn't sit boundaries for her. The thing is she is lovely at preschool and when I babysit her alone with my son she's so calm and listens to me as long as I sit boundaries. And Don't get me wrong my boy has his moments and drives me crazy sometimes, but he knows his boundaries when it comes to respecting others and apologising when he needs to. I really don't want him to think it's okay to hit others and it's just not fair for him since it keeps happening and he doesn't even get a proper apology. Now the question is, is this normal behaviour for a 4 year old? Should I have a talk with my friend even though that would risk ending the friendship? Need some opinions here please.

Do not feel guilty for disliking her. Surely behaviour like that is not to be condoned.

Don’t see her with the children again. The child sounds vile but it’s caysed by awful parenting. Not her fault bit I wouldn’t want my kids around that, or me. I’ve made similar decisions but retained friendships on an adult basis. Parent as you like but no one will want to be around horrible attention seeking kids whose parents indulge them. Such a shame for the child.

It's the mum's fault @NoTheresa it's not the kids fault.

It does sound d like the mum is at least trying, from the OP she tells her "we don't hit" and she is asking her to say sorry when she does. The bit about her saying the DD is tired or in need of 121 attention is probably true, behaviour is communication and young children misbehaving are very often doing it for a reason, she's possibly also trying to explain the behaviour so you don't think her DD is simply naughty for the sake of being naughty or a bad kid. The attention seeking, struggling with emotions and social skills, and tantrums all sound like she's struggling with adjustments (e.g., younger sibling teaching an age where he's able to express his needs and wants so there an element of competition there, preschool and all that goes with it, that developmental limbo between being a toddler/preschooler and a big kid). Hopefully it's all a phase and it'll pass, she's only little and she's still learning. That's why adult meetups are the way forward until either the phases passes or she's in full time school.

Every child I have ever known to behave like this have grown-up to be horrible adults.

All of them are now 30 to 38 years old. In all the cases the mothers were afraid to guide, correct etc in public because she knew would disrespect or shout at in front of others. At home they spoiled them with toys in the hopes the child would give them some peace.

They were at a loss on how to raise a child but wanted to be liked by them more than anything.

My sister told me she was afraid if she told her children 'no' or even disciplined them they would grow up to hate her. One mother never took her child shopping or really anywhere for that matter coming to think of it.

In all cases the fathers were not allowed to intervene.

How often are you around your friends daughter? It can't be that much to warrant you needing to say anything.

We all know people we don't like whether it be work, friends partners, family but there's no benefit to saying it especially when it's a child

Every child I have ever known to behave like this have grown-up to be horrible adults.

Really?!

Thank you for all the replies. I think I'd follow pp's advice and just meet my friend without the kids.

Btw I'm all about attachment parenting but I do believe in firm boundaries. I'm not being harsh on the kid but she's never talked to firmly, and when she hits -hard- she smiles and says I didn't mean it and laughs it off as she knows she'll get away with it. So I think it's definitely a boundaries issue.