To think I do enough?

[orangesgrapes]

I work full time, my partner is a stay at home parent. We have two small children.

I do all the night wakings (breastfeeding) and get up when they get up anytime from 5.30 to 7. Usually nearer 7. My partner always gets up later, around 7.30 during the week and 8.30-9 or later on the weekend. Earlier if I wake him.

Our toddler is very messy (trying to get on top of that) and it's quite hectic with the two of them. My partner nags me quite a lot about how messy the house is ( some of it is my stuff but it's mostly toddler related).

It pisses me off because i do an extra 10-15 hours of childcare a week due to the lie-Ins and of course I'm more tired with the multiple night wake ups. I think it's ok to expect him to do more tidying up than I do but he keeps complaining how untidy i am.

I keep telling him if he got up when I do then we/he could use that extra time to tidy up every morning. He insists that I should just tidy as I go and then it'll all be fine. He does not offer to get up when I do.

He cannot acknowledge that I am more tired because I get broken sleep and cannot accept that I do more because I am doing childcare while he sleeps.

Am I actually wrong here?!

Stop breast feeding he/she can bottle feed during the night
Equal house work and equal lie ins etc. Both work part time instead perhaps?

I think if you're working in the day and BF at night, then the SAHP needs to do a bit more of the clearing up / house work

Neither of us want the baby to be formula fed so that's not an option for us.

So you get poor sleep, no lie ins, work full-time and have to do housework too.
Things are not equitable. He needs to do more housework and get up with the kids.

What exactly does the lazy fucker do?

Stop breast feeding he/she can bottle feed during the night

Awful advice. The OP didn't say she wanted to stop breastfeeding.

OP - maybe both of you need to do a big tidy-up and de-clutter. Then decide between you who is responsible for keeping on top of the housework.

It sounds like you're both quite untidy and are blaming one another instead of dealing with the mess.

This reads like your partner just wants you to tidy up your own things? If so this doesn't sound unreasonable to me.

He's not lazy. The children are hard work and he does cook most of our meal and does the laundry etc. I am ok with what he does. I am not ok about being hassled about tidying up more though.

Is he doing the bulk of the cooking? Why is tidying solely your job? Does he run you a bath and acknowledge all the lie ins he’s enjoying?

it's mostly toddler mess or dishes after dinner, that kind of thing.

How do you manage to shower and get ready for work if you're looking after a baby and toddler in the morning? Your DP should be getting up with you when the children wake up during the week to help out. At weekends can you each have one day for a lie in while the other gets up?

I think with regards to your own things you should try and minimise the mess as you go, ie things like put away a hairdryer after you've used it, put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket, that's just basic good manners/behaviour. As far as the toddler mess goes, he should try and keep on top of that as best he can during the day, but looking after two small DCs, it can be challenging doing housework too. A SAHP role is also a full time role, so you should both be tackling the tidying together during evenings/weekends.

Ok, I see he cooks. But why is all the toddler mess your fault? Maybe you need to come up with some storage solutions for the mess - together - and then it’s handled?

He's the SAHP, he cleans and tidies after the kids. As long as you pick up after yourself he should have no grumbles. If the genders were reversed, you would be having s special medal struck for you, trust me!

He tidies up currently more than me, but thinks we should share it equally. I think that rule only applies if we share the rest of the chores eg night wakings and lie-ins. Which I don't, hence the argument.

Urmmm .. yes you do, he doesn’t. I’m the SAHP and I do 90% of the housework. My OH works full time and my job is to do the other stuff. At weekends things are pretty equal but weak days I dint expect him to do housework.

Did you both agree that your DP would SAH, and why? Are you both still OK with it?

There are risks in the arrangement for both of you. Eg for him financially, if you’re not married, and you on custody should you split up.

If you’re not happy with it, seek to change it.

When my two were smaller I was the SAHM and dp was ft. He would give dd (youngest)a bottle last thing before bed and deal with any toddler waking (19 month gap, night waking very unusual), I would do any night feeds as dd was mainly bf. In the morning I would feed dd and dp would get up with toddler. So I went to bed earlier but did night waking, he went to bed later and got up earlier but slept through. If you want to exclusively bf then there's little he can do unless you express.

How old are your dc? In the early days of having 2 under 2 dp did a fair bit around the house, but as they got older I gradually did more and dp far less. Tidiness is hard though, are you (honestly)untidy? It's hard to keep a house straight and in some semblance of order if someone is messy. It is also harder to clean an untidy house.

I guess it's hard for us to comment as we don't know the scale of the mess.

My partner gets up before me at the weekend and gives the kids their breakfast. It does piss me off when I get up and their porridge stuff is still out, milk still out with lid off, kids not dressed etc. But to be fair I dont say anything as I'd always prefer to do the lie in and tidying rather than the getting up and slobbing out.

If you do all the night wakings though why does he not get up and give you the chance of having a little more sleep? Then maybe you could both tackle the tidying together once you're up? It's not many men that would do all night wakings, early mornings, and tidying before going to work if their wife stayed at home!

I'd suggest you share the tasks more equally, share the lie ins. Tell him you might have a bit more energy to clean up after a baby and toddler if you weren't so bloody knackered

What is it you don't tidy up? Your clothes, make up, shoes, work stuff? If so, you just need to get into the habit of tidying after you do something.

If he is complaining of dust, washing, dishes after a meal together, then yes, you have a point.

Tell him to tidy up as he goes along, that way it's not messy for you either

I am definitely going to look at ways to declutter and help us both stay on top of the mess. Also train the toddler to tidy up! Trying to look at practical suggestions.

I have told him if the roles were reversed I'd be receiving a medal!!! Imagine a man working full time, doing all night wakings and getting up with the kids every morning!!

We are happy with this arrangement overall, just this part of it causing issues.

Yes, most fathers who are sole earner don’t do this.

It’s selfish - at best - to take all lie ins when the other person is doing all of the night parenting AND working FT.

Can see why HE would be happy with the set up, but can’t see what’s in it for you.

Oh and you need 50% of all the lie ins and mornings

I'm not super tidy I'll admit. And I get very distracted when looking after the children so I run after the toddler and forget to put something away etc. But I don't think he is al that much better with his own personal items eg leaving a jumper in the kitchen or a bottle by the sink where it doesn't belong.