To think I do enough?

[orangesgrapes]

I work full time, my partner is a stay at home parent. We have two small children.

I do all the night wakings (breastfeeding) and get up when they get up anytime from 5.30 to 7. Usually nearer 7. My partner always gets up later, around 7.30 during the week and 8.30-9 or later on the weekend. Earlier if I wake him.

Our toddler is very messy (trying to get on top of that) and it's quite hectic with the two of them. My partner nags me quite a lot about how messy the house is ( some of it is my stuff but it's mostly toddler related).

It pisses me off because i do an extra 10-15 hours of childcare a week due to the lie-Ins and of course I'm more tired with the multiple night wake ups. I think it's ok to expect him to do more tidying up than I do but he keeps complaining how untidy i am.

I keep telling him if he got up when I do then we/he could use that extra time to tidy up every morning. He insists that I should just tidy as I go and then it'll all be fine. He does not offer to get up when I do.

He cannot acknowledge that I am more tired because I get broken sleep and cannot accept that I do more because I am doing childcare while he sleeps.

Am I actually wrong here?!

I'm not sure exactly how you want him to do the night wakings if you don't want to give your baby any formula though? Even a lie in is tricky since most babies want feeding as soon as they wake up. It's not a chore he can share is it?

After this particular argument, I'll be cutting down on his lie ins I think.

He can use the time to help keep the place today :)

Tidy

I don't mention feeding the baby. But after baby is fed he can get up with the baby, or if toddler gets up if he can watch the toddler. Or both :)

You should share the lie ins, it’s not fair he gets both. You should also both get up in the mornings. At weekends you share whatever needs doing as you’re both home.

If you’re unwilling to stop bf at night then you can’t complain. Unless you try expressing and giving a bottle.

And stop being so messy, he shouldn’t have to clear up your stuff. That’s not fair.

With the tidying up it could be that it annoys him more because he's home with the mess more. If he leaves a jumper in the kitchen it might irritate you for half an hour in the morning, if you leave something out he might have to step over/walk around/look at the mess all day or tidy up after you. I am by a long way the tidy one in our house and dp leaving mess about would (and has!)drive me mad.

It's mostly the toddler that I am supposed to be tidying up after. A small % is my stuff (and I will tidy it but not always straight away, it's not left there with the expectation he will do t).

This is not very fair on you TBH. He seems to be getting the lions share of sleep/rest while you are BF!.Tell him he needs to do more .Explain that BF is the equilivilant of walking 7 miles a day( Read this somewhere) !

Surely if he's the STAHP he does all mornings during the week and you split mornings at weekends? Why does he get all the lie-ins? That's insane.

He is most definitely free to get 8 or more hours of sleep a night.

I have been living off 5-7 hours broken for 3 years. I have been woken minimum 2 times a night, mostly more (around 4 is more typical) for all these years. Neither child sleeps well.

He's the SAHP as I was. He does the housework. That's part of the deal, and sharing at the weekend. A Lie-in each.

As a comparison OP, I sah, DH woh. I wake up with DD (7, but it’s been v early in the past). I wake him at 7.30. He takes her til 8.30 - I work a bit, do admin, garden, read, whatever. I take her all day, and we tidy together before bedtime. He usually comes in in time to read to her and do her bath.

I think you need to say more about the toy storage situation. We have a toy kitchen and a large Ikea trunk. Tidying is a five minute job because we tend to pack things away between activities and during naps.

She’s 2, fwiw.

in which way does he tidy more than you?Is it because he is at home so does more? or does he expect you to do half when you are both at home?

I think that if he wants to start going half like this, then he ALSO needs to go half with the lie in and the sleep disruption. Which would mean all the lie ins for you and for him to be up when baby wakes up for the day....

When I was a SAHM, I actually refused to do all the cleaning etc... around the dcs. I did all the cooking though. I expected DH to split the housework 50/50 (ish....) when he was at home. This is because I saw my role as lookig afetr the dcs and providing them with the best envitonment to grow up and cleaning the house wasnt part of it. So I get that.
But then he also needs to acknowledge that the looking after the children at night and having enough sleep has to also be 50/50..... Cant have it both ways.

No no no.

With the exception of a high needs baby/ child then if you are at home full time then you should be doing most of the cleaning. Maybe just one or two jobs left at the weekend otherwise where is your quality time with the kids?

There is NO WAY a man working as the sole breadwinner would be doing as much as you.

He thinks you should share it equally?

What planet is he living on at all?!?

He's selfish and lazy and you're making excuses for him OP.

You won't be able to keep all of this going.
You're making a grave for yourself.

Stand up to him for God sake!
Why is he getting lie in's at all ?
You're the one doing the night feeds !

Share lie ins so you can have some nice morning sleep

Keep bfding

I would find it extremely disrespectful if an adult that I lived with didn't tidy up after themselves and left it for me to do. Given your split of responsibilities, I think it is quite reasonable to expect him to do all the cleaning/cooking/house management as you doing a lot, but you're an adult, you need to tidy up after yourself. Tidying up after yourself isn't a household chore, it's part of being a functioning adult.

To be clear I have never left anything of mine with the expectation he will tidy it!

The toddler is the one making most of the mess, or sometime me not tidying away things after the toddler eg making a snack. I do plan to do it though, it is not left for him to tidy. So yes I could tidy it straight away but more than likely I am doing something else already eg feeding baby / dressing toddler etc I'm not sitting around with my feet up.

I am of course a 'hands on' mum - this is making me laugh because it's a given as a mum that I am. By that I mean I am home every night, around all day every day on the weekend and I'm rarely doing anything other than looking after the kids. Holding baby / reading to toddler / chasing toddler / changing nappies etc. Literally non stop.

If the baby is age over one an option is cutting out bfeeding at night, DH and I did this with DC2, three v bad nights then no more feeding at night! Continued to breast feed in day for a couple more years.

A 2 year old isn't responsible for "their" mess, the supervising adult is.

Making the toddler a snack, and leaving crumbs, knife, plate, spills, ingredients etc all over the worktop and just walking away is pretty disrespectful. Making the toddler a snack, putting ingredients away, wiping up the surface, but neatly stacking the plates, cutlery etc by the sink to be washed up later would imo be fine. Regardless of what your intentions are, the first certainly appears like you expect someone else to tidy up after you.

I second dropping the night feeds if over one and only offer water in a bottle/sippy cup, whichever is your preference.

You definitely need to share the lie ins though. Hope fully if your not feeding in the night this will become easier and your husband certainly wont have any excuses not to get up.

I'm going to go against the grain a little here, but you fully admit to being a bit messy. If you tidy as you go it's a life changer. I'm very tidy and can't stand mess, but because of this I spend very little time tidying up as there isn't anything to tidy. Probably helps that my children arent toddlers anymore, but they still need lots of prompting!!

If I tidy away the snack bits most of the time, I think it's obvious I'm not expecting somebody else to do it on the rarer occasion I haven't? I don't leave a trail of mess behind me everywhere I go :)

The toddler tends to shadow me rather than her dad. Therefore I tend to have to do more for her because she's always beside me or asking me. Perhaps I'm delusional but I always feel as though I do more than my partner but he clearly feels the same way!

Even if doing more is entertaining the toddler.

Baby won't be 1 for a while yet.