Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with birthday meal

34 replies

pandaeyez · 30/09/2019 16:41

It's my mums 50th Birthday this year, so a special one. She doesn't want a party and hates having lots of attention so I've decided to arrange a small birthday meal for her with our family and her closest friends.

I've already invited all her friends through text message etc, however I created a small group chat on Facebook just with our family in it (my mum doesn't have Facebook). I messaged everyone over a week ago inviting them and giving details such as the date and time etc. I told them I would let them know where the meal would be once my mum had chosen where she wanted to go. After my first message no one responded, baring in mind there were 8 people in the group.

As it's a set menu I have to pay a deposit for each person so it's important I know who's coming and who isn't as obviously I don't want to lose money and mess the restaurant around.

I messaged everyone again last night just asking if people could confirm if they were coming or not as I needed to book the table and pay a deposit. I sent a picture with the menu so people had an idea of what was on offer. Everyone has read it but still no response.

AIBU in feeling that it's bloody rude?!

I appreciate people may not have the money to come which is fine or their waiting to see if their working etc but surely a quick message just to say "I'll let you know or sorry I can't come" would suffice?

They've had over a week to decide and I've given as much details as possible.

I just feel quite sorry for my poor mum, she always make an effort for people birthdays and makes a fuss of our family however no one can do the same for her?!

Sorry, I think I just needed a good old rant!

OP posts:
FeelingUseless100 · 30/09/2019 16:45

Is it the norm in you family for the host to pay? I’m wondering if they are put out they have to cover your own meal.

I had this at my mum’s 60th. She was mortified I was expecting guests to pay for themselves and thought we should be “inviting” everyone (at a cost of around £600!)

SeaViewBliss · 30/09/2019 16:45

I don't think many people would respond until they know where it's going to be? I agree it wouldn't hurt to say 'thanks, let me know when you have a venue' or something but I wouldn't expect people to commit without knowing where.

SeaViewBliss · 30/09/2019 16:46

Sorry! Totally missed a chunk of your OP saying you had sent them the menu!

AmIThough · 30/09/2019 16:48

Yeah they're pretty rude!

Loopytiles · 30/09/2019 16:48

Not responding was rude, but were you clear in your invitation about the costs and who would be paying?

It sounds like the non responding invitees don’t want to come if they’re paying!

Also, what you’re trying to organise sounds potentially stressful for your mum, due to things like the issues you’re encountering. Group meals can give rise to lots of awkwardness, eg splitting the food and drinks bills.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2019 16:50

Expecting people to pay for a party you are hosting is just tacky and cheeky. Your party, you pay. If you can't afford it, then you need to find another way to celebrate. You could have everyone over to your home for a small family party. I wouldn't be interested in going to a party where I was expected to fund it, either.

PuppyMonkey · 30/09/2019 16:53

I told them I would let them know where the meal would be once my mum had chosen where she wanted to go

I know you said you’ve sent a menu, but have you actually been clear that your mum has picked the venue and it’s all systems go? Are people a bit confused?

Bibidy · 30/09/2019 16:54

I completely disagree with these comments, I think if you invite people for a meal in a restaurant then they would expect to pay for themselves. It's not like you're invoicing them for a portion of the cost of a hall you've hired out or something.

Also OP said she has to pay the deposit per person anyway so it's not like she's asking for money up front right now.

OP I would message the group again and give them a deadline - eg. "Hi all, can you please let me know by tomorrow night if you will be attending as I will be booking the table first thing Wednesday morning".

Then if they don't respond just book the table without them.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 30/09/2019 16:54

The PP is talking nonsense - nowhere other than Mumsnet have I ever come across anyone who pays for all guests meals at a restaurant celebration! I have always paid for my own and I’d be mortified if the host tried to pay for all of our meals! I hate this nonsense line that seems to come out on Mumsnet every time anyone discusses doing anything 🙄🙄🙄 of course people would pay for their own meal!

Original poster
pandaeyez · 30/09/2019 16:55

Definitely not the norm in our family to pay for everything, we go out for meals as a family all the time and just pay for what we've had. We've always done in that way and it's never caused issues.

As I say, I'm paying for the deposit for everyone which totals to around £250 but I can't afford to pay for everyone's meals and drinks too. It would cost me an absolute fortune.

If it was an actual party so to speak obviously everything would be paid for.

As I say, I don't expect people to come if they can't afford it it would of just been nice to have a reply as it just makes things harder to arrange and I would of felt awful had I booked the table and then someone said they wanted to come afterwards.

OP posts:
GeneHuntLover · 30/09/2019 16:56

They are going to a restaurant for a meal aquamarine for a birthday meal. I definitely would not assume I didn't have to pay, I'd be surprised if anyone did

NoNoNoOohmaybe · 30/09/2019 16:56

I've never herd of anyone paying for everyone for a birthday meal out. I have a lot of different groups of friends who range in age from 30s-50s and it's not something that's ever happened. Maybe if you're a lot wealthier, we're all middle class but not minted.

I think it's really rude. Could it be because you're not fb friends and it's gone into the weird message place?

GeneHuntLover · 30/09/2019 16:56

Cross post with op

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2019 16:56

The party is for your mum, so the burden to plan everything is on you. Forcing her to choose where to eat is just awkward and ruins the occasion. I think your intended guests are really confused as to what's really going on. Also, you need to stop all of this messaging nonsense. Just CALL them to get clear answers.

Loopytiles · 30/09/2019 16:57

You could send a reminder saying you’ll be booking on X date / time for the people you’ve received a deposit for, and will take non responses as a decline.

5foot5 · 30/09/2019 16:58

Rather than relying on Facebook or whatever why don't you just ring them up and ask - they can't ignore that and will have to give you a straight answer

GeneHuntLover · 30/09/2019 17:00

Her mum has chosen/is choosing the restaurant aquamarine, I don't know why you think there'll be any confusion

OverthinkingThis · 30/09/2019 17:02

nowhere other than Mumsnet have I ever come across anyone who pays for all guests meals at a restaurant celebration!

Yep same here.

Sounds like you're going to have to chase them up individually OP. They could each be hedging their bets to see who else is going before they commit (which would be pretty rude for a family gathering)

RandomMess · 30/09/2019 17:03

Phone them ask and ask them to send you the deposit!

Oysterbabe · 30/09/2019 17:06

They're really rude.
Another message:
OK if I haven't heard from you by tomorrow lunchtime I'll assume you aren't coming.

Loopytiles · 30/09/2019 17:06

Yeah, facebook is crap for stuff like this, phone or text much better

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2019 17:08

At this point, I would assume these family members aren't interested. You've already messaged them at least twice, and if they were excited about going you'd know by now. Your only option to move things forward is to call them directly and press for a decision. You may need to find another way to celebrate your mum's birthday.

Ridiclious · 30/09/2019 17:12

Unfortunately their silence is speaking volumes. They don't want to come. You can either a) go ahead without them or b) ask them what they would like to do/where they would like to go and gently test those ideas with your mum.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 30/09/2019 17:14

but but but. I'm confused. How could you have the menu if you don't have a venue? Sorry. I'm lost.

In our circles, I would expect to pay if I'm inviting folks to celebrate with me - but as you say, not in yours. So maybe the cost is the issue - and knowing where will be the key.

Still rude, ignoring you though.

Pinkyyy · 30/09/2019 17:17

I'd have to send a pissy message.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.