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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - family situation

40 replies

Thisisstrange2019 · 30/09/2019 16:40

Family court situation going on ATM between parents and sister regarding access for DNiece.

Grandparents want access to granddaughter and have to go the court to try and get access.

I don't talk to sis as we have never got along. My life has been much happier since I went non contact with her.

She received the court summons and rang me crying and spoke down the phone non stop for 7 minutes about it and how she didn't want to go to court.

I rang her back a few days saying the situation was causing too much stress on her and parents and could I be the go between to help with the access situation. She said she would think about it but never got back to me. I didn't put any pressure on her and didn't ring or text again other than to say thanks to her for dropping her dd to my ds party.

Parents got solicitor letter from her today and the last line said 'we are also aware that her sister (me) became involved causing our client stress and this should not happen'.

I'm fuming because she rang me first involving me and I have the call log to prove it. And then I only called her back to try and resolve the situation that she involved me in in the first place.

So if you were in my situation what would you do now?

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 30/09/2019 16:43

You did get involved and it’s obvious sis doesn’t want parents to have access and you’ve basically said you’d be a go between for said access

What she wanted was your support and you supported the other side

So yes she’s stressed

By all means write to the solicitor with details and say you no longer wish to be part of the court case for either side

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2019 16:44

So if you were in my situation what would you do now?

I would stay out of it completely. Don't speak or communicate in any way with your sister, and refuse to discuss this situation with your parents. Refuse to have any part in this drama.

Quartz2208 · 30/09/2019 16:45

She doesnt want contact with your parents - why on earth are they pushing that

AloeVeraLynn · 30/09/2019 16:46

Stay out of it from both sides.
Why doesn't your sister want your parents to see her daughter?

MollyButton · 30/09/2019 16:46

Don't get involved!

To be honest unless your parents had extensive care of your Dneice then they have no hope of getting contact. By that I mean she was living with them for extensive periods of time, or they were offering nearly daily child care (and not necessarily then).

I would back out of the situation - maybe tell your sister by text you are doing so and apologise for getting involved.
Then get some counselling and see if the family dynamic you grew up with was healthy. (Could you be the Golden Child and your sister the Scapegoat?)

TheMustressMhor · 30/09/2019 16:47

So if you were in my situation what would you do now?

I would refuse to discuss it with either of them.

At least that way you can't be accused of being on one side or the other.

NearlyGranny · 30/09/2019 16:47

What both PPs said above!

And when - not if - she calls again, hang up quickly saying you don't want to stress her!

QueenAnneBoleyn · 30/09/2019 16:47

Write to solicitor explaining your part and say you do not wish to be involved in any way. Then block her. It sounds like she’s done that on purpose to add weight to her case about “how much her family stress her”. You can do without people like that in your life.

StockTakeFucks · 30/09/2019 16:49

Detach again. Don't discuss it with your sister or your parents. Do not offer to be the go between or get involved in any way even if you are asked,and that includes your sister.

Whatever is going on between them ,stays between them.

Glitterpearl · 30/09/2019 16:56

She came to you for support and you turned into a flying monkey.

Stay out of it.

Unless there is a major dripfeed coming, your parents should respect your sisters wishes, and all of this is actually their fault for taking her to court in the first place. The fact they think that is appropriate says to me that your sister probably has good reason to be stopping access.

Chantal1310 · 30/09/2019 16:58

Be the bigger person and stay out of it. Family feuds are the worst and no-one tends to be able to want to step away - they always want to continue to have their say and - as they see it - fight. Sure you have enough going on in your own life and could do without all of this so let them get on with it.

lyralalala · 30/09/2019 17:01

I'd write to both solicitors explaining what happened and then leave it at that.

Lulualla · 30/09/2019 17:03

I don't agree with the comments so far.

She called you. And the purpose of that call was so she could say "I don't want to go to court". You obviapily wanted to try and help in some way. Your parents wont drop it. She doesn't want to go to court. You offered the only other alternative, which was to be to go-between. Perhaps get a dialogue going outside of court, if that was what she wanted. You offered because she prompted it.

She will use that against your parents in court by saying they pressured you to do it. So I would go with your parents to their next solicitors appointment and explain what happened. The solicitor can decide whether or not to write to her side and have it in the record.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2019 17:04

There is no reason to waste your time writing to the solicitors. They mentioned you in a letter to your parents, that's it. If they contact you directly, then set them straight, but other than that, there is no need to contact them. Just stay out of it.

Ridiclious · 30/09/2019 17:08

You are best writing to the solicitor and stating the facts

Sister called me this day this time to say xyz
I called back on this day this time to offer xyz
my parents receive a letter on this day saying xyz

I order that my involvement is not misrepresented in court I would like it to be put on record that I will not discuss this matter with my sister again and I withdraw my offer to act as mediator.

Yours etc

Then if she calls you you can ignore them or answer them as you would have in the past.

Ridiclious · 30/09/2019 17:08

^In order

Drum2018 · 30/09/2019 17:09

Stay out of it. She must have reasons for not wanting her child to see the grandparents. What are they?

Original poster

Thisisstrange2019 · 30/09/2019 17:15

@MollyButton

DNiece is 8, she lived with my parents until she was 5 and was cared for by my mother 5 days a week until January this year. They took over caring for Dniece when she was a baby because her mother didn't want her.

@AloeVeraLynn
Dsis partner cheated on her and left her just before xmas. When she forgave him she wanted everyone to just act like it didn't happen. Dsis then uses her daughter to try and get around people. She has always done this.

I'm just so mad that I have stayed out of the situation up until now. Then SHE called me and involved me and then told the solicitor I became involved and caused her stress.

OP posts:

Halo1234 · 30/09/2019 17:15

What you should do depends on who you agree with. If my sister cut my parents out of my nieces life I would support my parents. Because i know them to be loving people who shouldn't be treated like that. And I would tell my sister she was out of order.
However if my parents weren't loving nice people I would support my sister decision and tell my parents to respect her decision. Back who u think is in the right. Is your sister using her kids as pawns to punish your parent maliciously or has she got good reason to want to protect her children from them? What u should do depends on that. Support the best interests of your niece ultimately. Dont do nothing if she is being cruelly kept from good people who love her. Equally dont send her into the lions den if your parents are not decent people. However it sounds in this situation nothing u say or do will change things anyway. It's gone too far. So u could just stay totally out of it and still sleep soundly guilt free.

Original poster

Thisisstrange2019 · 30/09/2019 17:16

@Ridiclious

Thanks for your response. I will do this.

OP posts:

Halo1234 · 30/09/2019 17:17

Crossed posts. Sounds like your parents are being unfairly punished. They had her for 5 years its cruel to both of them to keep them apart. I would support my parents and tell my sister she is wrong.

TimeforanotherChange · 30/09/2019 17:18

@Ridiclious has it absolutely right. Use those words and then refuse to answer any more communication/discuss it with anyone.

Tonnerre · 30/09/2019 17:26

If you use Ridiculous's post, for goodness sake don't use the word "order". Say something like "must insist".

Winterlife · 30/09/2019 17:28

I would add to the letter that sister is misrepresenting what occurred and then set out what happened.

lyralalala · 30/09/2019 17:38

If you use Ridiculous's post, for goodness sake don't use the word "order". Say something like "must insist".

I think that was meant to say "In order that my involvement..."

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