To ignore Mil's guilt trip?

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Mil lives about an hour and a half away by car (traffic dependent). Mil's mother (GMil) lives about an hour drive away from us (again traffic dependent) and half an hour drive away from Mil. Me and dh can't drive. So to get to Mil's we need to take a bus and trains with 2 or 3 changes and total travel time is about 3 and a half hours door to door.
Mil is trying to guilt us (mainly dh who passes it onto me) into going to her house on a Friday night and staying until Sunday so that GMil can see and play with our dc (22 months old) because it's too much for her to travel she says. But just found out Mil is planning on going to see distant relatives with GMil by car which will be about a 6 hour drive atleast. So I guess GMil can travel?? I really don't want to go as I hate staying at Mil's because she treats me and dh like little children who are unable to live our lives without her benevolent guidance. She is worse on her on turf, almost unbearable. Also Christmas isn't too far off and we will be guilted into going then and staying for a few nights. AIBU to ignore this guilt trip?

Stand your ground, they are welcome to come to you but that much travelling is too much for a toddler.

YANBU. Tell DH to go on his own or with DC.

Not at all, I'd ignore any and every guilt trip that people try to put on me.

In these situations personally, I leave it for my OH to deal with her parents. That's always frustrating as there are dynamics that mean it's not as straight forward as just doing what seems logical but it's not for me to interfere with her family.

Why are you allowing someone into guilting you into anything. You're grown ups. Learn to speak up for yourself and do what suits you. Other people won't put themselves out for you, as evidenced by mil and gmil doing a 6 hour trip to see others but not you, so why would you put yourselves out for them?

If you don't want to go you don't have to go. It's very simple. Same applies to Christmas. She can try to guilt Dh all she wants but she doesn't get to dictate. If she's fit to drive then invite her and gmil to spend a day with you or a night if you have space.

Thank you for your offer but no.

You and GMIL are both very welcome to come and visit us for lunch on xxxxxxx. I know GMIL wants to limit her travelling and so perhaps we could time your visit so that it's not too close to her trip to xxxxx (far away place she's going to).

Can't wait for you to visit.

Toddlers are far less likely to be able to cope with a long journey.

You're not being unreasonable. Why can't they come to see you? It doesn't sound like they have any problems with travelling when it suits them.

No, you can’t do it and don’t want to. And no to Christmas too. By giving in to guilt trips you’re giving her reason to treat you like children rather than independent adults.

She is also trying to make out like it's a favour to us. Saying "It could be like a holiday and some time to relax for you"

'No.'

It's getting dh to agree. Especially about Christmas. He never confronts his mum about her behaviour.

I think it is unreasonable that neither of you drive - but that's a different story.
His family his situation. Does he want to spend time there with GMIL

Too many trains/stops, too many things, bags, pram, potty, nappies, too much stress for baby. Tell her she’s welcome to bring her mum to stay for the night. Speak to her yourself, I’ve had to start doing this as DH never says what he means to her. Be polite and all, but say it’s all just too much at this stage in DC’s life.

@sillysmiles and yes, sorry op you both may have very good reasons medical, money etc, but you should get some driving lessons in... ask MiL to pay for them so you can come visit

Why does he need to agree? Just tell him you’re not going! My DH expected me to attend his family’s every event but they live 4 hours away and now he knows now to expect that I will go. He can go by himself.

Does he ever visit them on his own? Or does he expect you to go so you will talk to MIL/GMIL and so he doesn’t have to?

*now he knows not to expect that I will go

so perhaps we could time your visit so that it's not too close to her trip to xxxxx (far away place she's going to).

This is perfect - a non-confrontational way of letting MiL know you are on to her guilt-tripping & false claims of GMiL being unable to do the distance to yours.

Your problem is with your dh not your MIL.

I would tell your DH he is welcome to go. But you’re not taking your toddler on 3.5hr bus/train trip plus packed luggage to be treated like a child for two or three days.

That’s it really.

I don't see the problem tbh. It's your dh mum and I'm sure you'd go if it was your family.
But you don't want to go so send dh and the kids. have a free weekend to yourself.

Say sorry, can't do that since as you know we can only get about by public transport & life's too short to spend most of it on a bus.
There's no reason why they can't visit you apart from their own convenience & MIL & GMIL wanting you to jump through hoops to prove some point.
Tell your DH you didn't buy/rent a house to live in it part time & you won't be moving somewhere else for half the week.

As for Christmas, start now with your own family traditions. Christmas is to be in your own home with your own little family & relatives can visit on Boxing Day. Never could understand why people do all that faffing around going to other relatives houses.

We're close to Christmas so save it until then. Stay a couple of days maybe boxing day and a few nights? I wouldn't stay over all of the time though. Years ago I didn't drive and used to walk to my parents house (pushing the baby in the pushchair) once a week. It took an hour to get there, the same back. I used to feel hurt that they didn't come and visit me. But hey that's life. Only do what you want to do. Xmas and their birthdays I would make make an effort.

Hang on - she's expecting you two and your dc aged 22 months to do a 3.5 hour each way bus and train journey with changes? No chance.

Say you will stay for the weekend but only if she comes to get you and take you home again.

Let DH go and take your child with him. He'll soon get a backbone with his mother if he has to do all this himself.

My ex tried this on me when the kids were little "Oh Mum can't drive so we'll have to pack the kids up and drive for 2 hours to see her " . And then he'd go and visit his old friends and leave me with MIL . I told him "no more - you take the kids and I'll have a day to myself". He did it once - then called it all off.

So you're going to have to take clothes for all three of you, a 22mth old, their pushchair, some toys, nappies … on a bus and train, with 2/3 changes? No sodding way!! If you don't stand your ground now, you are facing years of being guilted into doing things you don't want to. Say no. I certainly wouldn't think of a few days at MIL's - or my DM's, for that matter - 'like a holiday' !!