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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ignore Mil's guilt trip?

53 replies

NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 30/09/2019 13:38

Mil lives about an hour and a half away by car (traffic dependent). Mil's mother (GMil) lives about an hour drive away from us (again traffic dependent) and half an hour drive away from Mil. Me and dh can't drive. So to get to Mil's we need to take a bus and trains with 2 or 3 changes and total travel time is about 3 and a half hours door to door.
Mil is trying to guilt us (mainly dh who passes it onto me) into going to her house on a Friday night and staying until Sunday so that GMil can see and play with our dc (22 months old) because it's too much for her to travel she says. But just found out Mil is planning on going to see distant relatives with GMil by car which will be about a 6 hour drive atleast. So I guess GMil can travel?? I really don't want to go as I hate staying at Mil's because she treats me and dh like little children who are unable to live our lives without her benevolent guidance. She is worse on her on turf, almost unbearable. Also Christmas isn't too far off and we will be guilted into going then and staying for a few nights. AIBU to ignore this guilt trip?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 30/09/2019 15:03

Haha if DP ever attempted to insist on me doing that I’d cheerfully wave him off with DC. Then spend a blissful weekend in pj’s doing very little.

Would be interesting to see how much he’d feel ‘guilted’ in going to his mothers if he has to do all the work himself.

I actively avoid travelling by train with young children, it’s just too much faff.

Same for Christmas. If you don’t want to go, either compromise one year you go and one year you don’t. Or you host. Or you have your own Christmas at home.

Also in my experience trains are worse on Sunday’s, so it may be longer trip coming home on Sunday.

I’d flat out tell MIL the stress of travelling with a toddler, plus luggage, plus train changes and Sunday train services it won’t be a break at all. Perhaps she would enjoy a break and come to yours on the way to friends who lives six hours away instead.

LovePoppy · 30/09/2019 15:09

Would be interesting to see how much he’d feel ‘guilted’ in going to his mothers if he has to do all the work himself.

What work? Mil would take over and he’d have a lovely time

frazzledasarock · 30/09/2019 15:15

Packing a baby and all the baby stuff, plus his own things and catch trains with changes for a three hour commute. That’s not a fun time ime & very much hard work.

NearlyGranny · 30/09/2019 15:22

That's your whole weekend! No. YANBU. They ABVU.

PepePig · 30/09/2019 15:52

The problem here isn't the demands of MIL/GMIL- everyone, including yourself, knows that it's a ridiculous suggestion to drag a toddler around on public transport for over 3 hours. The problem is how you're going to address her ridiculous demands and avoid making a rod for your own back.

You need to stand firm. "That travel arrangement doesn't suit us, sorry. It's too long on public transport with DC and she'll be tired and irritable once we arrive. You are more than welcome to come down to ours on X date, but we won't be able to travel to your house as it's simply too far".

Also, as other PP have mentioned- why are you going to hers for Christmas? Again, this is another time you need to stand firm. Have a Christmas with your family, at home, and travel to see them a week beforehand or after Christmas for a few days if you must. There is no point in ruining your Christmas just to keep a bitter old hag happy by criticising you all day. The other option is, if your DP is keen for these long travel arrangements, you let him travel to his in laws on his own with DC. He'll soon realise what an utterly ridiculous suggestion it is once he has to deal with it on his own.

At the end of the day, they might be your family but only through your DP. You do not need to do anything with them that you don't want to do. Your DP is more than capable of taking the lead. And if your MIL is going to criticise you, then she can sort out travel arrangements to you and learn some manners all the same.

SaraNade · 30/09/2019 16:20

I agree with a PP about driving. Neither of you drive? That stuns me. People should want to learn to drive, surely? Especially a male (have yet to meet a guy who actually doesn't want to get his licence). I am shocked at the attitude to driving on here that seems to represent mainly the UK. Where I am, driving is EXPECTED rite of passage/fact of life. Driver's ed is in school, and getting your licence is automatically as expected of you as it is that you will finish high school. Actually, more so tbh. If you don't want to drive/try for your learners at least, you are seen as if there is something very wrong with you. Getting your licence is like graduating high school, it's like wanting to get your own place. It's just part of life that you are automatically expected to do. Of course it's expensive, but, it is an expected part of life, just as finishing school/going to uni is expensive, moving out of home is expensive. But it is seen as something you are expected to do, have to do. So the cost doesn't seem to really be concentrated on just like the cost doesn't become the sole focus when going to uni or moving out of home. I just don't understand people not wanting to drive, it should be an automatic thing on graduating high school at the latest. So, with that said, if one of you at least, could drive, you wouldn't need to spend an entire weekend with your MIL. You could pop in for an hour or so, and go home. You wouldn't even need to stay for dinner. You are making it soo much harder for yourself than it need be.

That, is one of the many benefits of driving. You don't have to spend 3 hours getting somewhere that should only take one hour. AND, you can arrive/leave MIL whenever you want to! Because of this alone, you'd be mad not to get your licence. You are at a disadvantage in so many ways without it, and this, your OP post, shows exactly how.

NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 30/09/2019 16:36

Yeah I know its bad we can't drive. Hope to learn in near future. Don't want this to be too outing but dh has disorder that effects his co-ordination and makes driving more difficult and he has failed his test many times. I grew up a bit poor and my parents couldn't afford driving lessons, then I went too university and then I just didn't get around to it. Now it's finding the time with a young dc.
Also don't want to end up being a taxi service for dh and mil would expect us to visit more if I could drive

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 30/09/2019 18:27

@SaraNade not everyone can afford everything that goes along with driving (lessons/car/insurance). If you live in a rural area yes you’re more likely to want to drive, but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be in urban centres.

messolini9 · 30/09/2019 18:49

Thanks for the essay about YOUR opinion on driving, @SaraNade, but the thread isn't about what's taken for granted in your own life.
Many, many people simply cannot afford to drive. Even more simply cannot afford university. The fact that you view these things as a rite of passage or entitlement doesn't change that fact, or help the OP.

Whether OP has a car or not doesn't affect the main issue, which is MiL's expectation that OP ought to pack her small child up & stay overnight under MiL's jurisdiction to be bossed around & undermined.

Having a car won't change that expectation. The only thing that will change it is OP finding the strength to say no.

PotteringAlong · 30/09/2019 18:56

Also don't want to end up being a taxi service for dh and mil would expect us to visit more if I could drive

So you don’t want to drive because you don’t want to drive your husband who you admit has physical reasons he will find driving problematic about and to stick it to your mother in law?!

By all means don’t go, but don’t whinge that it would be much easier for her to come to you whilst simultaneously admitting that even if you could drive you wouldn’t want to visit.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 30/09/2019 21:12

Say no, and stand firm with it. Explain the journey is too difficult with you LO. Mysteriously I bet she'll start coming to you instead.
As for the PPs banging on about driving, that's irrelevant (and you're probably saving the planet, good on you). The fact right now is you don't drive and you shouldn't have to put yourself out to pander to your MIL/GMIL.

jcalel80 · 30/09/2019 22:59

If mil is able to drive 6 hours to see other family ,driving to yours or even picking you up to take you to see gmil would still take her less time than it would take you on the train if she's that bothered about gmil not travelling

my2bundles · 01/10/2019 03:38

Don't let sara guilt trip you. Driving and rights of paasage all expected before leaving high school is a load of rubbish. I'm in my 40s and have got by without driving. It might be a right of passage where sara is but not in the uk.

Mothership4two · 01/10/2019 04:39

OP didn't ask for opinions about taking her driving test, she was posting about travelling to mil for the weekend.

mil obviously can bring gmil to you and it would be much easier for them to come to you than you to travel with a toddler for so long on public transport. Let her know you know about the 6 hour drive planned. Plus you don't want to go.

Mothership4two · 01/10/2019 04:42

btw when I lived in London it was quite common for people not to drive as most people used public transport. Guessing same for a lot of big cities.

Mothership4two · 01/10/2019 04:54

By all means don’t go, but don’t whinge that it would be much easier for her to come to you whilst simultaneously admitting that even if you could drive you wouldn’t want to visit.

OP gave the reasons why she hadn't learnt to drive and at present it's finding the time with a young dc. atm it IS easier for mil to come rather than taking a toddler on public transport. And why would OP want to visit someone who would try to 'guilt' them into doing this and who she hates staying with because of her behaviour?

However, don't think not wanting to end up being a taxi service for dh who can't physically drive himself is sensible or particularly nice.

meccacos2 · 01/10/2019 05:21

If you don’t want to be a taxi service for your husband - then don’t drive.

It concerns me he can’t drive himself due to a disability and failing the driving test several times.

NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 01/10/2019 09:14

By taxi service I mean expecting me to drive him to work every morning and pick him up with really bad traffic in city centre which would end up taking me as long as he takes on the bus. And we would be guilted into going to mil's alot more and I couldn't get out of it because I have to drive.

OP posts:
Countryescape · 01/10/2019 20:55

Simple. Learn to drive!!!! Two non-driving people and parents none the less just would not be tolerated where I live. Craziest thing I’ve heard in a while.

Tatty101 · 01/10/2019 21:08

Wow, so much judgement here about not driving. I hadn't realised driving was a requisite to being a parent ...

Many people cant drive due to medical reasons or due to the price of a car and insurance and tax and MOT and repairs. But it's nice to know that they're all completely unreasonable to the world of MN ...

Tatty101 · 01/10/2019 21:10

Sorry OP, my rant there wasnt too helpful to you!

My suggestion would be to follow other people's advice - politely decline due to the young children and travel difficulties. If your DP cant get onboard with that, then perhaps he can take the kids on his own?

PandaAtTheZoo · 01/10/2019 21:12

Countryescape do you live in the UK? Craziest thing you heard? I have had friends who had parents who couldn't afford a car.

HPLikecraft · 01/10/2019 21:24

Keep it simple, unambiguous and smiley. “Sorry, that’s far too much travelling for us with a toddler, but you’re both welcome to come to us for the day”
Then swan away busily so no negotiation or further discussion can take place.

And to those who can’t believe that some people can’t drive, it’s practically compulsory where they are blah blah... just bog off. Obviously OP is not where you are, and in any case... just bog off.

Countryescape · 01/10/2019 21:35

@pandaatthezooo no I don’t live in the UK. Basically where I live unless you are homeless, 99% of people would own a car. One non driving parent I could understand, but two? In my opinion it’s quite irresponsible. What if there was an emergency with your kids? What happens then? The public transport here is not reliable enough to rely on.

HPLikecraft · 01/10/2019 21:38

What if there was an emergency with your kids? What happens then? The public transport here is not reliable enough to rely on

Emergency? Dial 999.
And the public transport where you are is irrelevant.

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