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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That I don't want to get married?

29 replies

Misskg1982 · 29/09/2019 22:29

I've been with my current partner for 8 years, we live together, have a mortgage together and we have a 2 yr old DD.
In a convo over the weekend I was asked did I think we would get married and I said no. We have talked about marriage yet neither one of us feels it's for us. But as I said this the person I was talking too started asking are we happy (we are, have our ups and downs like other couples) she then said there must be an underlining problem which is the reason why I don't want to marry him.
Its just got me thinking. Am I wrong to not want to get married? Is it cause his not the "one". I don't believe this and I know I'm prob being silly in over thinking this. But what are your views??

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 29/09/2019 22:31

My view is you're married in every sense, apart from the legal protection marriage automatically brings.

If you have that 100% sewn up with a solicitor then I wouldn't give it another thought.

Celebelly · 29/09/2019 22:32

YANBU. You're committed in other ways and if marriage isn't important to either of you then don't do it. It's not mandatory. Just make sure you have your finances/housing situation all sorted out as the legal protections are what you'll miss out on, depending on your situation.

EL8888 · 29/09/2019 22:32

Not at all. We are all different and want different things. Your choice and your life. Other people will be judgey and think their way is best, it isn’t and it’s your choice. Too many people get married despite the fact it doesn’t suit them

katalavenete · 29/09/2019 22:34

Do you understand the legal implications of marriage?

Are you happy without them?

If the answer to both of those is yes then that's the end of the matter. It has nothing to do with how much you love him.

BolloxtoGender · 29/09/2019 22:36

Yabu

IMO , Your OP is all about a romantised view of what ‘feels’ right and mentions nothing of the legal implications of being married or not.

I’m not sure that you are basing your decision of not wanting to get married on the legalities and practical aspects of life, as well as the romantic love side.

Clangers23 · 29/09/2019 22:36

Hi OP,

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I am of the opposite view in that I cannot wait to marry my OH but that's not to say you are any less happy in your relationship.

My parents never married, it's not the be all and end all. It's an expense that could go toward other things. X

Ginfordinner · 29/09/2019 22:39

Marriage is a legal contract. It offers financial protection (in theory) to the financially vulnerable partner.

If you are unmarried and a SAHP with no income you are in a very precarious position. If you are financially independent then there is no need to get married. You aren't considered as next of kin if anything happened to your partner BTW.

Helmlover1 · 29/09/2019 22:40

I’m in a similar position. Been with my partner for over 6 years but no burning desire from either of us to get married. In fact we are both of the opinion that marriage is an old fashioned institution (no offence to anyone who is married, just our personal views).

You are right though, people can be very judgemental. The ironic thing is, over the years the most judgey people towards us are either now divorced or having problems in their marriages themselves. Moral of the story- ignore everyone else and live the life you want to live.

cochineal7 · 29/09/2019 22:41

As long as you have legally done everything to secure everybody’s rights and obligations, it makes no difference. But as people say above, marriage is not just to prove ‘love’ - it is a legal contract with multiple consequences (which are actually not that easy to arrange all separately).

Celebelly · 29/09/2019 22:42

It can be done very cheaply and basically if money is a concern too. Neither of us are wedding people so we are doing a bargain basement registrars office ceremony for under £200 and not making a big deal of it. It won't change anything for us in a relationship sense. We already have DD and own a home together (with proper legal stuff in place to protect both of us).

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/09/2019 22:42

Don’t forget to think about inheritance tax. Not an issue if your only real asset is your house and you own that as joint tenants but if you own your house as tenants in common or have lots of other assets then important to be aware.

Teachermaths · 29/09/2019 22:44

As long as you are both aware of the legal implications of being unmarried and a lower earner then go ahead.

Don't be one of those people that think common law partners exist, they don't.

katalavenete · 29/09/2019 22:44

If anything here comes as a surprise I'd have a rethink: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Andromeida59 · 29/09/2019 22:45

OP, I wouldn't worry. People just think that marriage is the default position. My partner and I have been together for 15 years and still we get the "when are you making a commitment?" questions.
We have everything sorted legally so just sort that and you'll be fine.

GaudyNight · 29/09/2019 22:46

I never had the least interest in marrying, despite loving and being fully committed to my longterm DP. He proposed several times, and I said no. In the end, years later, I did agree to marry him, as it meant a lot to him and there was at the time a specific practical rationale for marrying, but, left to myself, I wouldn’t have done it. It’s no reflection on my love for my now-DH.

GreenTulips · 29/09/2019 22:47

If he becomes ill or has an accident you can’t make decisions or medical care or his funeral. His estate will go directly to his child and pay inheritance tax at 40% same with any life cover

You may end up homeless etc due to this

Think carefully about the future.

Lazypuppy · 29/09/2019 22:47

I perspnally do think there is something in that if you don't want to marry someone, its because you don't want to spend the rest of your life with them, and you are waiting to see if someone else comes along.

Teachermaths · 29/09/2019 22:47

We have everything sorted legally so just sort that and you'll be fine.

There is no legal protection that can mirror being married. Especially when it comes to IHT.

GaudyNight · 29/09/2019 22:53

Not in my, @It’s perfectly possible to be entirely committed to someone and not be keen on marriage.

GaudyNight · 29/09/2019 22:54

Sorry, that was to @Lazypuppy.

DrCoconut · 29/09/2019 22:55

Marriage does not always offer protection. Sometimes it can leave you very vulnerable to being asset stripped by your ex. There should be far more education on the implications either way so that people can decide what best suits their situation.

Wheelson · 29/09/2019 22:55

Why don't you want to get married? That's probably your starting point.

Rainbowqueeen · 29/09/2019 22:57

I agree with the posters who say there is nothing in your OP which indicates you are aware of the legal implications of marriage. So I don’t think you are informed enough to actually make a decision.

Marriage is much much more than just a piece of paper. It’s also cheaper than putting in place all the legal protections that you might need if you are not married.

zsazsajuju · 29/09/2019 23:01

@GreenTulips not true. You don’t get to make medical decisions because you are married to someone. His estate will go to op if he has willed it to her or if it is joint property (it goes to survivor). Life cover is almost always written in trust so it passes outside the estate (to whoever you named, regardless of marriage) and is not subject to iht.

But one of your points is kind of right- iht will be chargeable on the estate over £325,0000.

You’re welcome!

If you don’t want to get married op, don’t. And if you want information on legal implications of marriage, don’t take advice from mn - look into it properly

AnxietyDream · 29/09/2019 23:06

Agree with others that marriage is a legal status nothing to do with love.

As far as commitment, non-commited people won't want to get married to avoid the legal responsibilities, but that doesn't mean all non-married people are not committed, if you see what I mean.

If you understand and are happy with your legal status, then don't worry.

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