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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Opinions needed please.

34 replies

Justwantnormal · 29/09/2019 19:38

Been in a relationship for 5 years and married for almost one. My wife has adult children. One lives with us. I have a teenage child who also lives with us.

My wife states that she is not happy living with adult children and wants us to be together but not live with our children. Her child will be leaving home next year and my child will not leave for around 5 years if that. I dont want my child to leave either.

My wife states that she has had enough of being a mum and wants it to be just me and her. She does not feel appreciated by her own child and would not feel comfortable asking her child to leave and then to remain living with me and mine. She has stated that she is going to find her own accommodation next spring and we will remain married, in a relationship but will only spend quality time together. I will continue to live with my child which I will not and do not want to change. We were discussing the technicalities of this earlier and my wife stated she wants to keep all the stuff we have as we will be moving back in together eventually.

I find it really strange that if you love someone and marry someone that you then dont want to live with them. Thoughts?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 29/09/2019 19:42

I have a family member who had a new partner. Their new partner clearly didn't like or want their child around. That partner is now an ex-partner. Family member and their child are a package deal.

mbosnz · 29/09/2019 19:44

Sorry, that ended up very inapplicable. It sounds like your wife wants everything very much on her terms. To me, that is not a marriage. And it also sounds like she is changing the terms of the agreement after the fact.

katalavenete · 29/09/2019 19:51

Her poor children.

AllFourOfThem · 29/09/2019 19:55

Interesting that her children have presumably been able to live with her until they become adults and a bit beyond, but it’s not acceptable for your child to do so. Is this really the kind of person you want to be married to? If this is how someone treats their own children, what do you think things will be like for you further down the line?

Wheelson · 29/09/2019 19:56

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Justwantnormal · 29/09/2019 19:57

I think I need to explain a bit further. Her children do not treat her well. They are disrespectful to her and do not listen to her when she does ask them to do things or refrain from certain behaviours. Nothing excessive. Just what is expected when adults are sharing a home.

My approach is to work with the adult children which can be done with mine, to make the changes that are needed to make the household function more harmoniously. We have tried this with her child without success however my thoughts are to keep trying. Inthink my wife is very tired of it all and is ground down by her own children. Looking back she was a slave to them when we met 5 years ago. I thought I would add this bit to give it more context.

OP posts:
Batshittery · 29/09/2019 19:58

If she keeps all the stuff and you do not get back together then you've lost out. Sounds to me like she just wants to be on her own. You're better off without her.

Wheelson · 29/09/2019 19:59

So if your child lives with you then presumably she has been in something of a 'mothering' role to your child since they were pre-teen? How do they get on?

Original poster
Justwantnormal · 29/09/2019 20:00

It will be an equal sharing of stuff. I have no doubt about that.

OP posts:
Batshittery · 29/09/2019 20:02

Ok OP. Will you have to buy new things for your home? It all seems a bit extreme to me.

Original poster
Justwantnormal · 29/09/2019 20:02

My child looks to my wife as a mothering figure. To be fair she is not perfect but my child does not recognise this as my child's own mother is not maternal in any sort of way. My child will be 18 next year and I have been both mum and dad for the past 10 years and I do believe that I have made up for the lack of mother figure in my child's life. My child will have mixed feelings when this eventually happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwantnormal · 29/09/2019 20:04

Hi batshittery. I will have to buy some items but nothing excessive as the house is big now and will easily accommodate 2 smaller houses. Obviously there will need to be some purchases for example the things a home only has one of. Fortunately the financial implications do not add any negative factor as we can both afford it and luckily we are not yet buying and only renting.

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 29/09/2019 20:05

Her children do not treat her well. They are disrespectful to her and do not listen to her

If they are all like that then I would be inclined to think it was to do with their upbringing. Perhaps she wasn’t a good mother to them when they were children, just like she isn’t now.

NearlyGranny · 29/09/2019 20:06

If your child turns 28 next year, why are you expecting them to live with you 5 more years?

The two of you are so nearly child-free now it all seems within your grasp and you're pushing it five years forward. Why?

NearlyGranny · 29/09/2019 20:10

18 not 28. Bad, but not THAT bad!😄

IncrediblySadToo · 29/09/2019 20:13

She sounds cracked

I wouldn’t argue against living separately and dividing your assets then you’d file for divorce. No one would be kicking my child out if their home, at all, and certainly not because she’s done a shit job of bringing up her own kids.

5 years isn’t a long time when you look at it over a lifetime. Get out now, otherwise you face a miserable future!

Jesse70 · 29/09/2019 20:16

His child will be 18 next year

I think you are doing the right thing by your daughter hopefully she will take that time to save money so she can get on the property ladder or study whatever she wants to do without the added stress of moving and adulting

Of you are both happy with the arrangement I don't see a problem it's better her staying elsewhere and still being in a happy relationships than her resenting your daughter isn't it

TeddybearBaby · 29/09/2019 20:19

My child would always have a place in my home.

How does your child feel about this and are you pleased with the arrangement?

Original poster
Justwantnormal · 29/09/2019 20:22

Thanks for everyone's replies so far. I would say she has been a very good mum to her children whilst I have known her anyway. And from what extended family say, this appears to have always been the case. She still does go above and beyond for her children but it appears as simply she has had enough. To answer a previous reply, I am not happy about the living apart arrangement because I didnt get married to live apart from my wife.

OP posts:
GettingABitDesperateNow · 29/09/2019 20:28

So she has fallen out with her children...and wants your children punished. She is being ridiculous, sorry. Saying she wants to chuck her child out but cant do that to hers without you doing the same is awful, because it's not the same when her child is a disrespectful adult and your child is a teen. She wants to put the relationship on ice until your daughter is grown up. So you've been there for her when she has been having issues with her children but she wont do the same.

I guess it could work but I think most relationships that go backwards end up staying there. How is your daughter going to feel when she realises her step mum moved out for years to avoid her? What if your step daughter goes to uni and does a long course or something and doesnt move out for another 10 years? Fundamentally my opinion is that it would be difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who only wanted the 'quality time' ie good times with me, and wasnt there for any of the hard times.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 29/09/2019 20:29

Also you've only been married 1 year. She had 4 years to get her head round that marrying you meant a commitment to your daughter as well

Lobsterquadrille2 · 29/09/2019 20:31

This sounds very peculiar. Did the having "had enough" of her children come as a surprise to you? Did you have any inkling that she would deliver this ultimatum, if that's what it is .... does she in fact want to live alone and this is her way around not saying as much?

Original poster
Justwantnormal · 29/09/2019 20:36

GettingABitDesperateNow. That's what I am struggling with to be honest. She hasn't fallen out with her children. I wish she would so this could be sorted. I will not let my daughter find out the reason, ever. I will just be pliable with the truth. I do know if my wife does move out I would take this as a personal attack against my child and would find that hard to stomach as for reasons I wont mention here, my child has not had the happy well balanced life that her children have had. Granted all of the children have experienced the separation of their parents, however my child only had me as support and we found it tough. I would consider what is happening further abandonment of my child and I feel that. My child is a tough old cookie as am I, and she knows dad has always got there back. Maybe I have my own decisions to make.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwantnormal · 29/09/2019 20:39

I have asked that lobster. She does insist that she wants us to remain married, in a relationship and then live together when all of the children have left home. I dont expect them yet but I expect that grandchildren will be a large feature of our lives eventually. For me it doesnt matter which of our children have them, I will want to be the grandparent that me or my child didnt have so it's not like we will be riding off into the sunset. For me anyway.

OP posts:
couldntcareless · 29/09/2019 20:49

That is really, really bizarre, I couldn't ever imagine wanting to be done being a mum to my DD, ever. And honestly if I was in your position, that alone would be a deal breaker to me. Also she should have discussed this and made you aware of how she was feeling and her plans before she married you.

I have always said that if I will never live with a man again, so the idea of being with someone and living separately makes sense to me, even if your married, so it's not that. It's the fact she is literally moving out the house to get away from her child and YOUR child.

How does that make you feel? How must that make them feel? She sounds selfish and weird.