Opinions needed please.

[Justwantnormal]

Been in a relationship for 5 years and married for almost one. My wife has adult children. One lives with us. I have a teenage child who also lives with us.

My wife states that she is not happy living with adult children and wants us to be together but not live with our children. Her child will be leaving home next year and my child will not leave for around 5 years if that. I dont want my child to leave either.

My wife states that she has had enough of being a mum and wants it to be just me and her. She does not feel appreciated by her own child and would not feel comfortable asking her child to leave and then to remain living with me and mine. She has stated that she is going to find her own accommodation next spring and we will remain married, in a relationship but will only spend quality time together. I will continue to live with my child which I will not and do not want to change. We were discussing the technicalities of this earlier and my wife stated she wants to keep all the stuff we have as we will be moving back in together eventually.

I find it really strange that if you love someone and marry someone that you then dont want to live with them. Thoughts?

I've always been a sole parent - DD's father left when I was pregnant and has had no involvement. I didn't date until DD was 12, when I met someone I believed I would marry, move in with etc. It became apparent that he didn't accept that DD and I were a unit, a package, and that there was simply no option of anything else. When we looked at houses, he would allocate a room for DD at one end, and ours at the other, and say "until she moves out". She would have been 15 (she never knew any of this).

It sounds a different situation yet with similarities. If your wife has had enough of living with disrespectful young adults, she should have made that clear before marrying you. Like your DD, mine knows that she always comes first - is now 21 and still lives with me (respectfully too). Totally agree regarding abandonment too. It sounds a horrible situation that has been forced on to you.

We have both always said it will be great when the little darlings have flown the nest and some days I even wish I was doing the flying!!! That day will come some day and we will have the opportunity to be just us. We can do that now however by going away at weekends and stuff like that. I don't know. Maybe I am just trying to justify the inevitable really.

I also understand that for some, living apart is a perfect arrangement for some but for me it's not. I dont need someone to be my skivvy or anything like that as I do my fair share and more. I dont want to be emotionally alone as that is how I would feel and I have had that my whole life. The way I feel at this moment in time is that if my wife had as much love for me as I do for her then she would not even be considering this. There are times when I would love to live alone, even without my child. I could come home, jump on the sofa, watch the football and be totally selfish. I also realise that life is not like this. We have made choices, ie having children and I for one do not ever regret that. My hair might have fallen out by some of my child's previous behaviour but me and my child laugh about it now. Honestly my child is not a bad child. Just your normal teenager. Probably better to be fair.

And so say you went with this plan, lived apart until your child naturally leaves home, and your wife moves back in, how can you really hide it from your kid? And is she going to welcome them to stay if she feels like this? I think I’d be saying this is a deal breaker, rather than expose my kid to that rejection, given they’ve already had a hard time.

This is madness tbh it reads as you helped her til her children were able to leave home and now she can't be bothered. What a weird situation. I think I'd have to say if she moved out that would be the end for me.

Thanks for all of your responses. I will give this some time and some time for my wife to reflect. If this is still her decision around xmas then I will know where our marriage is going as us living apart and for the reason she has given would be the deal breaker for me. Thanks

You are being unreasonable. Your adult ‘child’ is an adult. I’d be utterly furious in your wife’s position and be planning to do the same thing she is! She can move back in when you finally tell your adult ‘child’ to grow up and move out!

Op - actually I apologize! I thought your child was older than 17. (I read 28!) In this case I think your wife is unreasonable as living with a parent until 22 is totally reasonable.

What a hypocrite

See a solicitor, ring fence any assets or squirrel away what funds you can and prepare to ltb

I'm sorry to say this but there's no future in this. She's selfish. She isn't saying let's split now or let's ask all children to leave now as I can't stand it she's saying let's split once my darling child has left because although you have to put up with mine till they are ready to leave I'm not ready to do the same for you. This will repeat and repeat, when grandchildren are here, you've already said you want to be a main figure in their lives, she clearly will not (or may with her own kids but certainly not yours). As for taking half the stuff and going, she's not coming back, she's taking the stuff and leaving, keeping the marriage as convenience, someone to go out for meals with do all the nice bits but this is dating this isn't a marriage. It isn't what you want. Your child will feel massively rejected by this and so she should, knowing how she's already been treated by her own mother why would she do this. It shows a real lack of love for your daughter and also for what you care about. Do you really want to be with someone who disrespects you and your children to this degree.