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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best way to escape??

37 replies

rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2019 19:29

If someone wants to leave a violent partner, has managed to squirrel away 6 month's rent in advance can they secure a tenancy agreement? They don't have the best credit rating (understatement) and 1 ccj???

OP posts:
Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2019 19:53

I know it's not AIBU but I really need help x

OP posts:
AloeVeraLynn · 29/09/2019 19:55

I think so.. I think having the 6 months rent puts them in a strong position to get somewhere.
They should also make sure they cover their tracks for these online posts, to ensure their safety.

highheelsandbobblehats · 29/09/2019 19:55

I can't help with that answer. Is there a refuge near you that could help? My local one helps women secure their own properties.
Well done for making this move.

allymcbeals · 29/09/2019 19:56

If you can pay the rent upfront then I think so yes Thanks

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2019 19:58

No moves have been made there has to be no way for him to find her, this needs to be done right there have been attempts in the past but he's always been 1 step ahead

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 29/09/2019 20:00

I am LL op, to compensate for the CCJ l would be happy with 3 or 6 months rent up front.
Good luck

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2019 20:01

At the moment he believes she's paying for a holiday on DD and this is the money she will use??

OP posts:
Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2019 20:03

Thank you @dragongirl in your experience is this the norm? Or is it a case of ask and see?

OP posts:
BlingADingDing · 29/09/2019 20:04

Can I ask whether your friend has school age children ?

VioletCharlotte · 29/09/2019 20:05

She should speak to the local authority and ask for support. They can help her to find a place in a refuge if necessary, and help her find private rented accommodation. They should also be able to put her in touch with local DV support groups.

Has she reported the violence to the Police? Fleeing to another area is risky as she'll always be looking over her shoulder.

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2019 20:06

Yes she does and younger

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katalavenete · 29/09/2019 20:06

Can you/she not go into a refuge out of area and then find somewhere once safe with breathing space?

exWifebeginsAgainat46 · 29/09/2019 20:07

most landlords will want a guarantor if there’s no proof of how the rent will be paid after the initial period of the tenancy.

i’ve just left a terrible relationship - there are lots of places now that don’t want a deposit up front, just a guarantor going forward. i’m very lucky that my BIL has agreed to stand for me.

it all depends on the landlord, is what i’m clumsily trying to say. best of luck to you. i’ve downsized to a little studio flat, and the wind is currently whistling through all the gaps in the windows, but i’ve never been happier.

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2019 20:08

Ys Unfortunately reporting always leads to authority's and groups wanting to mediate and she feels this is not enough he's a manipulator she just needs a safe space away from him

OP posts:
katalavenete · 29/09/2019 20:09

If she's going to be at risk after leaving she really needs agencies involved. Having an IDVA for example would be invaluable.

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2019 20:11

Violet Charlotte yes he has a dvpn in place but he seriously is a master manipulator she calls the police when he turns up and they always give him the benefit of the doubt x

OP posts:
katalavenete · 29/09/2019 20:13

Who has tried to mediate? I have a hard time believing an idva, women's aid, etc would be telling a women at risk of violence to be doing that. Even the most inept police aren't usually that dangerously stupid.

Has she ever been referred to MARAC?

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2019 20:13

I don't think it helps that he's a "professional" in the field so gleens some kind of professional courtesy

OP posts:
katalavenete · 29/09/2019 20:14

I take it back on the police then. Was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt after my own abysmal experiences.

Sounds like she could really do with an IDVA to fight her corner.

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2019 20:17

What is an idva ??

OP posts:
GingersAreLush · 29/09/2019 20:18

Women’s aid are massively helpful, they really are and in my own experience not easily manipulated. They know all the tricks abusers use and their advice is invaluable. I’d have been lost without them.

As far as housing goes, give shelter a call they should be able to help and advise about a lot of this issues.

Emmas1985 · 29/09/2019 20:22

Women’s aid are only helpful if you score within their range when answering their initial questions. My ex was too dangerous so they referred me to someone else who said he wasn’t as much of a risk as they normally help so I was left with no help from them

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2019 20:23

Thus far she has been told to go to local council, put name down etc but it always leaves a trail he can follow I was thinking of getting a private landlord paying 6 month's rent in advance and then seeking help ?? She has 8 children

OP posts:
Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2019 20:24

@emmas1985 what did you do??

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BlingADingDing · 29/09/2019 20:28

rabbitheadlights their school has pastoral care / safeguarding officers, please get your friend to confide in them. They should have telephone numbers for refuges. Ask the PC / SGO to ring them. They can arrange for your friend to go to a safe house.
The school have no addresses for these safe houses

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