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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend ignored message

70 replies

midlifesomething · 29/09/2019 00:48

Am having marriage problems atm. Am very private but confided in close friend (around 10 year friendship - my friend, not a friend connected to my hubby). No reply to message. If there was a tumbleweed emoji, maybe i’d send this to her as very odd no response at all - not sure what I was looking for but just a hand-hold during this difficult time would have been nice. Been almost a week since message, AIBU to expect some sort of reply? (to any other message she always replies).

OP posts:

Herocomplex · 29/09/2019 08:13

If I got a message like that I’d be ringing you or meeting up. None of us can say why she hasn’t answered.
I would message again, ask her if she’s free. Tell her you’d value her input. She might drop you, that’s a risk, but better to know now who you can count on, if you’re going to embark on big changes.
Best of luck, sorry about your DH.

Pinkblueberry · 29/09/2019 08:15

I’m sorry you’re going through problems - but you sound quite self absorbed tbh. I think this is a strange response to a friend not replying to a text, especially if they usually reply. Don’t you think maybe you should be a bit worried about her if she hasn’t replied then? Or presume the message hasn’t got through?

ittakes2 · 29/09/2019 08:16

She might not have seen the message or something even more serious might have happened in her life distracting her like an illness, so give her the benefit of the doubt and if she has been your friend for 10 years call!

Apolloanddaphne · 29/09/2019 08:21

I had a message from a close friend who is ill on Monday evening. I read it quickly but was in a uni class and had no time to reply. Then I completely forgot about it until we were messaging last night whilst watching Strictly. It happens sometimes. People are not perfect.

Message her again about something unrelated and see if it prompts her to respond? She may have a lot going on herself and just forgot to respond to your message.

Sotoes · 29/09/2019 08:48

That's not the sort of message a close friend would forget about OP.

I would send her a new text, asking if she's alright.

Sleepyhead19 · 29/09/2019 08:56

I find that very strange. A tumbleweed emoji?
I’m sorry but even with going through a lot myself right now, I’m still there for my friends. I wouldn’t be considering her a friend.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 29/09/2019 09:00

I've replied before and gone back to see what's the latest as I havent heard back only to find I hadn't pressed send.

I've done this before. OP, I doubt she's deliberately ignoring you. Why don't you just call her and ask if she wants to meet up for coffee/a drink?

NoSauce · 29/09/2019 09:03

Do you know if she’s read it? ( messenger/WhatsApp) there’s a chance if it was a text it didn’t reach her, very slim chance. It’s a bit weird tbh, even if she’s up to her neck in it a text back saying that she’s sorry to hear this and catch up soon wouldn’t have hurt.

Do you offload a lot on her?

NoSauce · 29/09/2019 09:04

I'd wait now, in my experience very few people are interested in other peoples problems let alone being supportive

I can’t imagine my friends ignoring a message like that from me at all.

Karwomannghia · 29/09/2019 09:07

You could probably find a tumbleweed gif. Not the point but.
Is there a possibility she thinks you’re being a bit dramatic? Being divorced she’s obviously been through a break up for whatever reason and may not appreciate a married person sharing their insignificant woes? (Not saying they are insignificant)

boringisasboringdoes · 29/09/2019 09:14

@painauchocolat84

100% agree.

But maybe in future strike up a generic whatsapp conversation before offloading. iRL I think a drip feed is better

Just send her a msg saying have you got time for coffee (if local) or time to chat (if distance). Don't say why didn't you reply

ThirstyGhost · 29/09/2019 09:54

I think if she's a good friend either the message didn't get through or didn't get read for some reason (I've had this where one of the kids has picked up my phone and shouted, "mum your phone beeped", they've pressed something, and then I've forgotten to check). Or she read it and thought that this sounds serious so better to reply when she has time and then life got in the way and she hasn't yet (it'll probably come back to her in a flash at 3am). Maybe she didn't know what to say in a text and wants to speak to you in person.

Recently my DP was rushed into hospital and I texted my closest friend in reply to something else, but mentioning the hospital at the end. She read it in a rush, missed the hospital bit. Then I forgot she hadn't replied but got an incredibly anxious text a few days later apologising that she'd missed the message, how was DP, anything she could do, etc... Then she phoned as she was worrying I was offended. I wasn't. That's life really with modern comms. If something's important to you I really still think phonecall.

But the one thing you definitely shouldn't jump to assuming is that your friend has seen your message and thought, "midlifesomething's marriage is in trouble and she's upset. Who gives a feck!". That's the sort of mad thought that goes through my head, but it'll be something else.

redcarbluecar · 29/09/2019 10:00

I think it’s a bit off of her not to reply, but wouldn’t send a follow up - what would that achieve if she didn’t feel inclined to answer the first one? You can’t force someone to take an interest in your personal problems. I’d suggest not bringing up the subject with her again (wait for her to do so, if she wishes) and remembering in future that she’s maybe not the best source of support.
Best wishes to you at a tough time.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/09/2019 10:04

It’s crap of her not to reply. Hopefully there’s a good reason and she’s hugely apologetic.

Friendship is centred around mutual support and love. If she’s not interested in the real stuff she’s not the friend you thought she was. Sorry OP - I hope there’s a good excuse/explanation.

73Sunglasslover · 29/09/2019 10:08

A friend of mine asked me how I was doing on messenger, so I told her was struggling. She never replied and I have since distanced myself. I'm sad about it but she clearly was not actually a friend anymore. A week is quite early days though. Give her a bit longer and see whether she does reply.

ElizaDee · 29/09/2019 10:08

The bottle in my message was supposed to be flowers.

OwlBeThere · 29/09/2019 10:10

She may be having problems of her own.
She may have accidentally cleared the message.
Sometimes I write messages and then don’t hit send so I think I’m waiting on a reply but I’m not.

Any of a million things could have happened that aren’t meaning she’s avoiding you. If she’s normally a good friend give her the benefit of the doubt

MrsTWH · 29/09/2019 10:10

I would send her one more message saying that you hope she’s ok and would she like to catch up for a coffee.

She might have forgotten to reply/not hit send/etc and that will prompt her to respond.

Or if she “doesn’t know what to say” or isn’t interested in acknowledging your problems then she isn’t a great friend. Even if you genuinely don’t know what to say, you don’t ignore it! You just say, “oh I’m sorry, I don’t really know what to say. Shall we go for a drink and a chat?”. Or if she has stuff of her own going on, she could tell you that.

I’m sure it’s the former, but either give her a call or send her one more message and then leave it.

SuzieQ10 · 29/09/2019 10:15

Perhaps she's got her own problems and stresses going on at the moment and simply can't take on any more emotional weight. I have occasionally felt like that in the past, though I would never ever just not replied.

I would send a quick follow up just saying 'not sure if you had a chance to read my previous message. Hope you're ok.' If no reply, leave it.

Jupiters · 29/09/2019 10:18

Something similar happened to me recently. I was struggling and messaged a friend who ignored my message for a month. She has now finally got in touch but frankly as my message wasn't important enough to read at the time I'm not going to bother opening up to her again. I've always been there for her, listening, giving advice, helping her out ect... Apparently it does not work both ways.
Sorry I have no actual advice, but it has at least made me think about who my actual friends are.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2019 10:18

I also find it odd she's not responded. Very few people would do that or simply forget. So there is something else. Maybe she knows something, maybe she's finding it difficult to know what to say, but we can't guess, but in general a friend would respond.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2019 10:22

Op is this your first time with marriage problems and you're first time opening up to her? The only other thing I can think of is you're always at it, and never leave and she's had enough,

MatildaTheCat · 29/09/2019 10:25

About 18 months ago I emailed a very old friend to update her on something extremely traumatic that had happened since I last saw her- we were planning to meet up and it felt easier to summarise it all than bring it all up when we met.

I never heard back from her. No way of knowing why or what she thought. Fairly certain she got it because it didn’t bounce back and she’s never been in touch to catch up.

I agree it’s very unsettling and feels awful. In your case please follow it up and I wish you well with all your problems.

Whattodoabout · 29/09/2019 10:25

Crappy of her not to respond and I’d probably leave it there if I were you. She may have forgotten to respond but if you messaged her on an app she opens regularly, she will see your message regularly too.

Jinxed2 · 29/09/2019 10:26

I’d send another message asking her, couldn’t be bothered second guessing x

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