To be annoyed by friend?

[NoPatienceNow]

I full accept I’m a bit sensitive and fragile at the moment. I have had a touch year, lost a baby (my only child) early this year. I have recently gone back to work and that has been really good for me but trying to get back to reality has had its own difficulties.

I feel some friends have stepped up and some (not nearly as many) have not been v supportive.

Now this friend is one who I haven’t had a problem with. She came to visit after we lost the baby. She never mentions our child and I assume that’s because she feels uncomfortable/ doesn’t know what to say and I get that so I don’t really talk about it all and try to keep things light.

After I went back to work last month I bumped into her a couple of times as she works near me and we talked about going to a show or something. She even suggested a show. She is generally the less inclined to sort things out of the two of us - I’m usually the one to see what’s on or book a table etc (again fine) - but right now it’s grating on me. I have sent suggestions for shows etc and she said she needs to check with her boyfriend and come on night he’s not working as otherwise he’ll want to come(?). That was about four weeks ago. A couple of weeks later I asked if she still wanted to go. She said yes but been busy with work and will let me know.

Anyway I just feel a bit down and going back to work has been tough. I just wanted to get something “fun” in the diary and feel like I’m chasing her / waiting on her. I know she’s not a mind reader but she knows I’ve had a tough year and just feel like she could make a bit more effort to be honest.

I actually texted her last night and said let’s just park the show for now as I think you’re busy.

She replied this afternoon saying she is on holiday at the moment but can’t do the one I told her about the other day (I got a special offer email) as it’s a pain to get to after work. That’s fine but didn’t say that at the time and anyway I meant just generally. I then texted her saying what I’ve said here - that I’ve just been feeling a bit crap since I went back to work (which she wouldn’t know as she hasn’t asked) and actually I just wanted to get something fun booked but would rather just go with someone else if she’s not that bothered.

It all just seems like hard work.

You are going to get some friends who don't act the way you want them to after such a significant loss. I reacted the same when my dad died. Thing is, it's you that has changed, not her, so in the nicest possible way, you're expecting her to act differently, and that isn't very fair. You can't assume they know how you feel so you need to be proactive about it. Hopefully she responds well to your text, but if possible, try to speak to her face to face.

I'm really sorry for your loss though

Thanks @Eslteacher06 Thanks. I realise she hasn’t changed BUT she knows I have suffered a massive loss and could simply make some effort to be there in my opinion. I am considerate of her in that I don’t talk about our baby and how I’m feeling in detail as I don’t want to make her uncomfortable but she could make enough effort for us to make a plan to go out within the space of a month and if she doesn’t want to go then she should say that

Sorry for the loss of your Dad too.

I had a friend who was like this when my dad died. I stopped speaking to her over it as I felt she could have made more of an effort. We have recently been in contact and she apologized. She didn't know how to act basically and didn't know how much I needed her, even though you'd think it would be obvious.

If she does step up, great. But if she doesn't, maybe just leave her to it for now as she's not the friend you need right now. Focus on those that have been there than the ones who haven't. I bet you've found some great from those you didn't expect?

*great support

Would bother me and after a few attempts to book I’d assume she wasn’t interested in going. A lot of people will say “let’s do x sometime” meaning “we’re never going to meet up but I can’t say that so will just throw a random non-committal suggestion out there so I don’t sound rude” instead of “I want to make plans and then do x with you”.

I’d ask someone else to go with you. She’s had her chance and she doesn’t want to go.

@Elsteacher06 Yes I have been very pleasantly surprised and touched overall by the support we have had, especially on the beginning, but after several months I think people move on. I feel I have told her now that actually I’ve had a tough month and just wanted to do something nice with a friend so ball is in her court.

@littleorangecat22 Yes but I don’t think she is one of those friends who says it and doesn’t mean it. She actually suggested a show. The only thing it could be is when I mentioned it she said she’d check with her bf and I said actually I don’t think my DH is keen to go so thought is girls would just go and that’s when she said well she’ll need to check when he’s not working or he’ll want to come. I did say bring him if you want.

I invited another friend to something the other night and she immediately said “not this month as I have a lot on” (not those exact words) but that’s fine!

This friend is just a bit slow at replying to texts and making plans etc generally.

Sorry for your sad news OP.

Does the friend have a lot going on in her own life?

How old was your child when they passed away, and could your friend have gone through something similar?

@Bouffalant Thank you. I am not sure what relevance of age of baby was but baby was stillborn at 40 weeks. Friend doesn’t have any children and I haven’t known her to be pregnant. I don’t believe she would have been TTC either but it is not out of the question.

In terms of her having a lot going on, she works full time, as do I, but that’s it. she probably has more free time than I do as I am in the same field as her but more senior so more responsibility, I have pets and she doesn’t, I have step children and she doesn’t. I go to the gym and do sports plus charity work while she doesn’t so I don’t know. She probably socialises more than I do and they have had a few holidays this year.

She has always taken a bit longer to reply to things. She is not a “flake” but would always be late when we meet, I would always be the one to book a table, she is that kind of person. But I just don’t have the patience for it to take a month for to arrange to go out one evening.

I don’t think yabu - she’s being insensitive, I’ve been through this and I found that I actually realised who friend are and aren’t - it is and can be uncomfortable for others of course, but I think a real friend doesn’t care of that and will be there no matter what x
I’m sorry for your loss I hope this makes sense to you xx

Had similar after I lost my Dad. Full of good intentions but was always late by at least 30 mins, often longer. I felt I was being a nuisance expecting her to be punctual. Always full of her own drama, continual running commentary kind of thing. In the end, I just didn't have space for it all and kept my distance.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I really mean that. You just need a little bit of care and love from your friend and that is so understandable. It isn’t a lot to ask, some people just don’t get it. For many reasons.

Take a step back from keep trying to arrange things with her because I think the more you try and she doesn’t get her act together, the more upset you will be.

Is there anyone else you could ask if they fancy doing something?

Honestly, go with someone else.

Friendships do change unfortunately and of course you are entitled to feel disappointed, but there's no point dragging someone out when they obviously don't want to. Enjoy yourself with others and leave the ball in her court.

Look after yourself.

Ah, I wondered if she might have also suffered a similar loss, but it doesn't sound like it. Two of my friends lost babies within the same year and the first one couldn't bear to be around the second one because she said it felt like she was re-living her own loss. Such a hard situation.

But it sounds like that's not it, and she's either not being a very good friend, or that she's simply avoiding the situation because she doesn't know what to do or say.

I'd probably step back and see if she makes the effort if you don't. If she doesn't then maybe she's not worth having in your life.

I can completely empathise with you OP, after losing my daughter last year (also only child), I had similar experiences. I don't think it's always intentional and sometimes people are so scared of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing that they avoid situations entirely. I know that doesn't help the situation from your perspective, but i found it's more common than you think.

With my best friend, I knew she was worried about what to say so I took the lead. I wanted to talk about my daughter for a bit so I did. It's now not 'weird' to speak about my little girl and it also means that she didn't feel awkward in talking about her kids or if a mutual friend fell pregnant etc. Maybe meet your friend for coffee and address the elephant in the room. Speak about your DC openly and encourage her to ask questions etc.

I know it shouldn't be up to us to remove the awkwardness over a situation that isn't awkward for us, but if you set the boundaries of what you do and don't feel comfortable discussing, there will be less anxiety from your friend that she'll say the wrong thing.

Lastly, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was some way I could reach out to you more privately and lend an ear for you to talk to another mummy about how shit everything is right now.

If it's out of character for her is it possible she's having a hard time herself, hence not in a position to be supportive, but hasn't told you because she knows you already have enough to deal with? Is there a mutual friend you could ask?

IME, I've noticed that those who have never tried to have a child yet just do not understand the full impact of something happening to your child. My god, the thought of losing my daughters after carrying them for 9 months...I couldn't even comprehend what you've been through.

I genuinely believe she's not meaning to upset you, but her friendship is not working for you at the minute and she's not able to provide you with what you need. You're banging your head against a wall trying to make her see.

But something I will say. If you want to bring up your child and talk about them, never ever feel you shouldn't. You have every right to and they should be celebrated. Fuck those mates who feel uncomfortable about your pain!

Yanbu.

I’m sorry about your baby. My baby died neonatally and I think some people either don’t know what to say so don’t say anything or else don’t realise that the grief stays with you forever so they expect you to have moved on, whereas in reality you never will (although you may deal with the grief in a more manageable way).

What they all said^^. I'm very sorry for your loss OP, you need to be shown some care and consideration really .

OP, so very sorry for this absolute horrendous loss.

I agree with others. Until you have gone through something like this it is hard to comprehend the total devastation.

Your friend won't be able to understand your grief but it honestly doesn't sound as if she is a good friend. More the fair-weather type.

Please don't waste the small amount of energy you have to get through each day at the moment, putting one foot in front of the other, and sometimes just breathing.

Don't waste it on friends that aren't able, or don't wish to be there for you.

Let them go and expend energy on those who can help to hold you up.

Wishing you and your family strength during this awful time.💐

I totally understand why this is upsetting to you and can sympathise.

Without wanting to minimize what you've been through, I think there are sometimes times in our lives when we are out of sync with our friends needs at an emotional level and we need to give one another more space because we're not fulfilling each other's needs. I don't think it means the friendship is over but that sometimes you have to accept that this person isn't giving you what you need and just back away from them somewhat.

I’d leave it now OP. She’s shown in the past that she’s not interested in maintaining the friendship beyond the basics and now, at a time when she should step up and be proactive and there for you, she isnt. She’s just not bothered.

I’ll bet she’s one of these who’ll come out of the woodwork in a couple of years when she thinks you’re ‘over it’ and wont be such an effort.

Sorry for your loss. In my experience people lose patience with grieving people after about three months. Sad but true.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I am so sorry to those of you who have lost babies as well or had other losses.

It really is true that it’s at times like this that you find out who your good friends are. I’m not saying she’s a bad friend. I don’t think she is. I just think she doesn’t get the gravity of what has happened and maybe thinks I am over it now. However it was less than a year ago and is still very fresh.

I don’t think she’s avoiding me because she doesn’t know what to say as I don’t talk about the baby to her and I have seen her a few times since then.

I don’t plan to beg her to go out. Now I’ve told her I’ve found the last few weeks hard (I think my words were something like “I’ve had a difficult month or so (well, a difficult year!) and just wanted to plan something fun to do...” so I feel I will see whether she takes that on board. I was probably a bit blunt but maybe if she really cares she will get that I’m upset.

Another friend messaged me today to say she’s sorry she hasn’t been in touch but she’s having a hard time (her DH left her earlier this year just before she had their baby) so I just said that’s fine and she is welcome to call me, text me or come over any time but in the back of my mind I was shouting “I’m having a hard time too!”. Thing is I know she’s got a lot going on so I am ok with that and want to be there for her.

Have you checked out a group called SANDS OP? They are a great support

Have you sought any counselling? It really is beneficial, especially as you're able to talk about it without worrying you're making people feel uncomfortable. You will never get over something like this, but with the right support, you can learn to live with it. The first year is the absolute worst as you can remember what was happening this time last year.

If you don't get the response you need, then I'd leave her to it. Take care!