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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SO quits our calls at the smallest thing

56 replies

Nooz · 28/09/2019 16:21

Been in a long distance relationship for 2 years, most communication by phone.

A few times he had hung up on me when something happens his end. Totally understandable if an emergency, I've done the same when ds (11) started being sick, but I think it does and should warrant a call back ASAP to explain. Always.

So, SO has done this recently it turned out for no big reason (a text from his dd). This amongst other things really set me wondering about us and we had a heart to heart...

Fast forward to yesterday, SO rings and makes a small speech about being sorry for being selfish and taking me for granted, and the not 5 mins later says 'oh give me a min' and :::: hangs up!

10 mins later a WhatsApp to say 'on my way to solicitors they wanted more info (and a wonky face emoji) speak later kiss kiss'

No apology, no call back later, just a picture of his dog looking cute at 10pm.

Am I being a mug? Or UR?
Thank you!

OP posts:
BenWillbondsPants · 28/09/2019 17:25

You sound a bit precious No, you don't OP.

I don't think there's really much mileage in this relationship OP. I hate to say it but it doesn't sound like he wants to make time for you at all.

Summersunshine2 · 28/09/2019 17:25

What he just hangs up? That is rude and no way to treat anyone! And no apology after?
No thank you.
Get yourself someone better.

BlockedandDeleted · 28/09/2019 17:27

he's totally dedicated to his dd,

As he should be even if she wasn't a child whose Mum had died.

a very catered for young lady

Wow, just wow

she's usually the reason for his cutting me off

You sound jealous of a child who had lost their Mum.

If you can't understand why a Father would be extra attentive to his child whose Mum has died you are in the wrong relationship

BumbleBeee69 · 28/09/2019 17:31

OP .... try ending the call before he does. Let him get a taste for how that feels. Be busy... You need to go... Ooops kids need me text soon... hang up.. hang up... hang up.. Flowers

Original poster
Nooz · 28/09/2019 17:34

@BlockedandDeleted of course I step back, not yet explained is that I was and have always been totally ok with this, the hanging up thing started before dd was ready to hear about us and I always understood and it was never a problem then, but this is after we have met, and I've stayed at their home with her blessings...
catered for can mean many things, and a credit card with no limit is the polar opposite of being hung up on, but from the outside it's interesting to see what you're seeing and it's welcome food for thought x

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/09/2019 17:36

Blocked, what does the loss of this girl's mum have to do with her father being so rude to the OP? Not calling back, not letting her know that all was ok?

I wouldn't put up with that and I think your interpretation is very skewed and unfair to the OP.

Original poster
Nooz · 28/09/2019 17:36

And the 'reason' before this last call yesterday was that dd wanted batteries for her fairy lights.

It's ok and thank you once again Mumsnet, I love him, always have, but I think I just found my answer x

OP posts:
BlockedandDeleted · 28/09/2019 17:39

Awww, here you are, Lying with your clipboard and thread monitor badge, trying to police my posts yet again?

AutumnRose1 · 28/09/2019 17:41

Sorry I don't know how you can be so sure there isn't someone else
That's the first logical explanation

Original poster
Nooz · 28/09/2019 17:44

It's hard to share all the details in one go, and @BlockedandDeleted so so much has been carefully done and given up by us for dd. Her dad says lovely lovely things will happen for us but the reality is so so different, and he has a lush heart but, maybe rightly from your reaction, I'm not his priority

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 28/09/2019 17:47

Im not surei get your relationsuip-youve only met about 6 times it cant be that serious -over two yhars you havent even spoke about moving in?

when dh and i lived away from each other when we met we saw each other once a month and were all over each other each time because we missed each other-you dont even sound like you have that

Original poster
Nooz · 28/09/2019 17:48

Hi @AutumnRose1 because of how my relationship with dd has been so long being shared with dd. It's curious how this comes across like that, but it's a red herring, completely.

I can see now how this is about priorities, and how I need to be honest with myself.

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 28/09/2019 17:50

Does nobody nowadays tell their kid to STFU and go away when they're on the phone?
Blush

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/09/2019 17:54

"We see each other 4-6 times a year, quite intense and lots of fun, but he's often hmm always drinking, and intimacy is getting less and less."
TBH, I would expect a long-distance relationship where you were only in the same location so rarely - I wouldn't expect intimacy to be dropping. Hate to say it @Nooz, but whilst you might describe him as your SO, I fear he might describe you as a friend. And not even with benefits, from the sound of it.

"I'm wondering if I'm hooked on a fantasy of 'us'."
Probably. Certainly I think calling this a relationship is a fantasy; are you really hooked on it? You might have been in the past, but I think his rudeness on the phone may well have cured you!

Original poster
Nooz · 28/09/2019 17:54

@GabsAlot I know, we both have teenagers and lives too committed to move so far. It's not possible with dd having lost her mum. We talk about the next steps of our lives when his dd is 18 he is coming here, but the stories about what that will be change.
Oh it's hard writing this! I don't like what I'm seeing as the scales fall off

OP posts:
BlockedandDeleted · 28/09/2019 18:02

Her dad says lovely lovely things will happen for us

I guess you've got to decide if this future faking or if he's genuinely prioritising his grieving child.

As for abruptness of truncating the calls - I wonder if it's a reflex action when it's her - sort of like a PSTD response? Or he could just be ill-mannered?

I think it's relevant that he's chosen a LDR too - that gives him space to be there 100% for his child as well as getting the benefits of a relationship.

He probably justifies this by the tragic circumstances in which he is in.

But that doesn't make it easier for you, quite the opposite.

When you enter a relationship where the other party has children, the received wisdom is, always the child comes first, and as this child has lost her Mother that is amplified.

I think if you want to continue in this relationship you have to accept you will never be his priority and be happy with that.

I can't imagine anyone would be good with those very unhealthy terms though.

The fairest thing to do is for him to not have entered into a relationship unless he can commit to it.

At the moment he is having his cake and eating it - he gets a relationship that's 100% on his terms.

WonderWomansSpin · 28/09/2019 18:03

I think it's your unease about everything else that's making you question the phone call etiquette.
Tbh DP calls me a lot but I rarely call him and if I left a call (because of a text, a knock at the door, etc) then I wouldn't automatically call back once I'd dealt with whatever had arisen. I'd find your attitude to calls quite demanding especially since you say the calls are usually long

Original poster
Nooz · 28/09/2019 18:10

@BlockedandDeleted thank you some wise words there x

@WonderWomansSpin you are spot on, it is the other things all mounted up, this is the spark that's setting it all off x

OP posts:
Shoutouttomyspecs · 28/09/2019 18:14

We see each other 4-6 times a year
After 2 years I’d be cutting my losses.

ChicCroissant · 28/09/2019 18:16

This isn't really a relationship though - you've barely seen him in two years. There is no way this is going to move forward and become anything else, and that is stopping you from moving forward yourself.

Has he ever visited your home? Have you met his daughter?

AlwaysCheddar · 28/09/2019 18:18

Call it a day and get a life with someone decent.

MRex · 28/09/2019 18:23

It only takes a moment to say e.g. "dd wants X, I'll call you later tonight", or on your side "DS is being sick, I'll call later". It seems like a very odd way to behave, I even tell the accident-not-your-fault people why I'm hanging up.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/09/2019 18:54

Drat. I forgot never to post to you, Blocked have made a better note now, thanks. As you were...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/09/2019 18:56

Nooz, you've posted more details now, do you know what you'll do? It's not easy to end a relationship that you thought you were happy in but, as you say, the scales fall.

NightsOfCabiria · 28/09/2019 19:00

Sorry OP but he just doesn’t seem to value you, despite his promises of a future together.

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