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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being fucked off with DP?

44 replies

OhCharlieYouPrick · 28/09/2019 12:04

He works evenings so Mon to Friday most days he isn't here with the kids. I have 5 and it's bloody loud and hectic and I'm struggling lately with my mental health and some other issues (lapse in an Ed).

His mum runs a business and got a job with a mutual friend.

DH won't get up this morning till 10.30 am.
And when he does he announces he's going to help his mum today Hmm

I'm annoyed because

A. I'm always dealing with the kids alone. It's raining, I have no money. I was going to do a food shop today and now can't (don't drive and can't get 6 of us in a taxi) The kids are bored and fighting.

B. He didn't even tell me he was going till 10 mins before he left.

C. It's his mums business. It's not his responsibility. If she can't do the job why is she taking it on?

AIBU to be fucking fed with this.

OP posts:
boptist · 28/09/2019 12:06

Are the kids his?

TheMustressMhor · 28/09/2019 12:07

No, I don't think you're BU to expect some help at the weekend, but surely you could do an online shop?

Maybe you should have discussed this with your partner last night.

Are any of the DC his?

Sirzy · 28/09/2019 12:07

Are they his children too?

If so I would send a text with the full shopping list saying “as you have gone off out for the day again don’t come home unless you bring all the shopping we need to feed your children back”

TheMustressMhor · 28/09/2019 12:07

Can you explain what "lapse in an Ed" is?

fedup21 · 28/09/2019 12:07

Are they his kids-he sounds like he’s clocked off completely?

EC22 · 28/09/2019 12:08

Eating disorder

Original poster
OhCharlieYouPrick · 28/09/2019 12:08

Yes. They are his.

Ed, eating disorder.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhCharlieYouPrick · 28/09/2019 12:09

I can do an online shop but it won't get here till tomorrow and Tesco is more expensive than Aldi, which is where I was going.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 28/09/2019 12:10

Okay.

They are his DC so he should be helping you at the weekend.

Has he always been like this? Or has it only been since his mother started the business?

Stickybeaksid · 28/09/2019 12:10

Tell him to do the shop on his way home

Original poster
OhCharlieYouPrick · 28/09/2019 12:11

It's not that, it's just the lack of support.

He never wants to do anything at weekends.

But he will happily go help his mum when he's 'too tired' to do shit with us usually.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 28/09/2019 12:11

It does sound like there has been a miscommunication with your partner.

Were you expecting him to help today? Did you actually tell him?

I would also be pissed off if I was left with five DC to look after, alone, at the weekend.

TatoTurner · 28/09/2019 12:12

YANBU to expect your partner to help parent his 5 children.

Andysbestadventure · 28/09/2019 12:12

"Err no DP, you're staying home and I'm going out to do stuff I need to do"

Not hard. Tell him No, he can't go.

TheMustressMhor · 28/09/2019 12:13

Maybe he prefers helping his mother because he doesn't like the chaos of five children.

That makes him a selfish arsehole because you don't seem to have the same choice.

Next Saturday, get up before him and tell him you've arranged to go out with a friend. Or you've made plans to help someone with something.

Just leave him with the children and see how he likes it.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 28/09/2019 12:14

He needs to get the shopping on his way back home, text him a list. And tell him he's on dinner duty too. And he's dealing with the kids tomorrow while you have the day to yourself - and do it, even if you just wander round town or go to a mates, he needs to drive solo.

Then you need to have a proper conversation about how you expect your weekends to go. He can't help not being there in the weekday evenings, he can help how he uses his weekend time and this needs to be made clear to him.

If you could fit all the kids in the car I'd be tempted to drop them off at the mum's business, but I'm mean like that...

TheMustressMhor · 28/09/2019 12:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

They are his DC too.

How long has this been going on? Or does he usually do his share of parenting?

jaseyraex · 28/09/2019 12:15

Have you spoken to him about his lack of support? What does he say? You are definitely not unreasonable to expect more help when he's home, especially if you're struggling more than usual at the moment. What would happen if you gave him 10 minutes notice tomorrow that you're going out for the day and he's looking after the kids?

MayFayner · 28/09/2019 12:16

Were you expecting him to help today? Did you actually tell him?

Parenting your own children is not “helping”.

The OP doesn’t have to “tell him”- he isn’t at work today so he’s equally responsible for the DC. He should “tell” the OP in good time (at least 24 hours imo) if he’s not going to be there. She is not the default childcare.

I’d be raging too OP.

boptist · 28/09/2019 12:16

They are his DC so he should be helping you at the weekend.

Hmm
Hooferdoofer37 · 28/09/2019 12:19

So just to clarify, he was a completely hands-on, fabulous dad with DC1, so you got pregnant again.

He was an AMAZING hands-on dad with DC2, so you got pregnant again.

With 3 DC, he fully supported you, did domestic duties as well as childcare as a fully committed parent, so you got pregnant again.

You then had 4DC which again he was brilliant with. Made sure you got quality "me" time, did his share of the night-wakings etc, so you got pregnant AGAIN.

Now with 5DC, he's suddenly become an uninterested, uninvolved, absent "parent"?

Or were there any signs of him being a crap dad and leaving all the parenting to you before your 5th child?

Original poster
OhCharlieYouPrick · 28/09/2019 12:23

Hoofer. Yes basically.

My youngest is 8 and the last 5 years or so he's just changed so much.

I don't know what the issue is but he's drinking and just not the man he was at all.

Plus I had multiples so not 5 pregnancies.

OP posts:
Mumpower123 · 28/09/2019 12:24

Tell him to stick his mum, you need help not her. 5 kids I cant imagine! Men are naturally selfish . Why isn't mil telling him to help you?? I d want to sack them both off

Hooferdoofer37 · 28/09/2019 12:28

Would your MIL be onside here?

Could you call her up and tell her to send him home because his relationship with his DC (& you) is suffering?

Can you book an appointment with his GP to discuss his drinking?

Straycatstrut · 28/09/2019 12:29

My ex did this. I had 2 under 6 and I did all the childcare whilst he worked and did his hobby (busking, gigs, open mics) late into the evenings. We argued all the frickin time about it.

Taking him out of the picture, how much less stress would there be for you and the kids? Do they see/hear arguments?

Try this: One morning get up REALLY early and literally just go out all day. Take food, a flask. Go to the library, museum, walks. Leave him with the kids for the day. Drop a text to say you're okay, just need some space.

When you get back hope it's knocked some damn sense into him!

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