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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent my husband for my career?

36 replies

BWaldorf · 28/09/2019 10:10

My DH has a successful career. When we moved overseas, I had to retrain (I am highly educated but my field was heavily regulated), finish a new degree, and I now finally have my foot in the door and working as a graduate in a new field (with the slightest bit connection to my old career).

However, there is also an opportunity somewhere that will greatly benefit his career. Which he is so wishy-washy about. After I finished uni, I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to pursue that, and said I should say no to the graduate offer. I didn't listen to him and thought I could just say no few months when the program was about to start. Then he changed his mind and said we were going to stay where we are. Good thing I didn't cancel my grad program!

Now I am almost a year into my grad program, and he's now again wanting to pursue the other opportunity. This will greatly affect me, as I probably need to be retrained again.

I am beginning to think he is selfish about his career. He is great everywhere else, but he doesn't seem to think about the impact of his indecisiveness to me. We have no kids, fortunately!

OP posts:
Original poster
BWaldorf · 28/09/2019 10:14

I also want to say I have begun to become very ambitious over the past few years that's why losing my job/being in a career limbo again is wrecking my head.

OP posts:
tinatsarina · 28/09/2019 10:15

I would tell him no. He's had his chance it's your turn now.

MyNewBearTotoro · 28/09/2019 10:17

If you’re halfway through a graduate degree then he is being hugely thoughtless, selfish and unreasonable to think you can just up and leave and abandon it.

I think you need to put your foot down and let him know there is no way you will consider moving until you’ve completed your degree.

Original poster
BWaldorf · 28/09/2019 10:22

I've finished the degree, I'm working now as a graduate, I'm halfway through my grad program and I am supposed to roll off into a role after the grad program.

OP posts:
meccacos2 · 28/09/2019 10:42

He can wait, why would you follow his career around?!?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/09/2019 10:49

It's his turn to wait, but...

What's the end goal here? Realistically you can't both follow each other around. You are settle somewhere and both work there, prioritise one persons career (not necessarily his!) or have a long distance relationship.

I am ambitious too, I would not give up my career to follow him again... but I'd have a chat about how you see this playing out. I'm lucky that my fiancé is happy to prioritise my career and would have no issue moving/being a SAHD/supporting me, I don't know how we'd have worked it otherwise!

Is he always eager to reach the next stage or does he just get bored of jobs easily?

MsVestibule · 28/09/2019 10:49

No way! You've already moved for his career, to the detriment of yours. It's his turn to stay put while you progress yours. Unless he thinks that his career is more important than yours?

ShastaBeast · 28/09/2019 10:55

Of course he’s being selfish. You’ve already made huge sacrifices. If there are no kids you have a stronger position to stand your ground. Ultimately he can’t force you to follow him. It’s your choice.

And if he is that selfish he will be a terrible father and partner to parent with - forget having a career unless wealthy enough to have nannies and cleaners.

Original poster
BWaldorf · 28/09/2019 11:03

does he just get bored of jobs easily?

No. He's had one career his whole life, the next logical step is to go where he wants to go.

I'm just so frustrated because it seems I'm the one who keeps retraining because he couldn't decide to stay put or go. I asked him this when I finished uni, if he said yes we will go, I'd have gone another way and did something relating to my old career which I can actually use in the new place. However, he said no, we were staying where we are. So now I've been out of practice for so long I basically have to start all over again!

OP posts:
Original poster
BWaldorf · 28/09/2019 11:05

*However, he said no, we were staying where we are. And now he suddenly decided he wants to go! So now I've been out of practice for so long I basically have to start all over again!

OP posts:
Elieza · 28/09/2019 11:11

Hell no. You’re being supportive of him and he isn’t being supportive of you. It’s a two way street. If he can’t see that it’s your turn then I don’t see your relationship surviving as he is being selfish and you deserve better. Good luck. I hope it all works out for you Smile

whatever123noname · 28/09/2019 11:11

I think you need to reconsider your relationship. He’s not just selfish but almost actively trying to sabotage you.

highinthesky · 28/09/2019 11:13

YANBU to resent it, but YABU to let that resentment fester.

Its cards on the table time for you both: what's more important, your own happiness or each other's?

Bucatini · 28/09/2019 11:17

It seems I'm the one who keeps retraining Only if you agree to this. You can say no if you want. Why should his career come first?

Original poster
BWaldorf · 28/09/2019 11:19

To be fair to him, I was happy to retrain the first time.

Also, he earns more than 2x as more than I do, if that matters.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 28/09/2019 11:28

I am beginning to think he is selfish about his career. He is great everywhere else, but he doesn't seem to think about the impact of his indecisiveness to me.

Well, why should he take it into account when you didn't? Up til now you have followed him. He wont take it seriously until you say no and mean it. Up til now you he has been able to duck the issue.

It's not exactly selfishness but it's a matter of priorities. If his own career is his top, overriding priority, and he assumes that yours wont / can't be, then better to know.

We have no kids, fortunately!

Yes, that is fortunate. Do you intend to follow him and prioritise his career when you do have children? You can follow each other around (rather than one of you always following the other!) but it will mean both of you making some career sacrifices. Or will you step back but expect him to support you in your career when your children need you less? You've already shown you are willing to make sacrifices.. But is he really up for that himself? Or does he expect that career and earning is his top priority and contribution, while family will be yours?

Now is the test.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 28/09/2019 11:32

he earns more than 2x as more than I do, if that matters.

It matter a lot, because if you permit it, that will always be his argument for his career taking priority over yours. And (even if that's possible in your career) your earning power will never be given any opportunity to catch up. Instead it will take a bigger and bigger hit.

If you permit it.

Original poster
BWaldorf · 28/09/2019 11:38

OMG I just noticed, I meant 2x as much, not as more. Cringing here.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/09/2019 11:45

Neither of you should have to compromise on your careers, if you do so it’s a choice made with known consequences.

It sounds like you both want different things in life and you need to figure out what that means for your relationship.

BigFatLiar · 28/09/2019 11:51

You both need to sit and talk about the future. There are two of you in this relationship (and perhaps in the future children?)

If you want a career (and why not) then you need to agree an the way ahead that suits you both. It isn't what he wants or what you want but whats best for you (both). Careers are good but are they better than a successful marriage.

Longdistance · 28/09/2019 11:52

Op, I feel for you as I’ve been in a similar position. We moved overseas and I gave up my career. He was made redundant and we came back, me no career, and even if I wanted to go back I’d have to take a massive pay cut.
I’ve returned for work and want to further my career.

He’s being unreasonable to expect you to be mucked around so much.

Sounds cheesie but it’s now our time to shine!

BrokenLogs · 28/09/2019 11:53

OMG I just noticed, I meant 2x as much, not as more. Cringing here

Seriously, that's the least cringe moment here OP. You are letting someone else dictate your future and it sounds like you're going to let it happen again.

I spent 8 years in a role that meant dh couldn't really go stellar in his career as we needed that 9-5 partner.

We have recently relocated because of me and his career has taken off, while I now need to take a step back (so am contracting as it's flexible).

That's how a partnership works give and take on both sides

blueshoes · 28/09/2019 12:02

You have got to think about long term compatibility including what happens when kids are on the scene.

Can there be a scenario whereby you both have good careers in the same place and it is just a question of him giving you more time to maximise your grad program? If you have to stay in one place all the time (because if your heavily regulated industry) and he must go to another place/country to progress, then your marriage is incompatible with both of you having a successful career.

I agree that if he earns twice your salary, then his career will take precedence, especially if and when you have kids. Have you thought about kids and whether your careers are compatible with kids and if not, who will take the hit?

maddening · 28/09/2019 12:07

Yanbu, it is time for him to suck up and wait till it is good for you or there is a location which works for both of you.

YahBasic · 28/09/2019 12:08

I spent a good 5 years following DH around, making the most of my time through studying or working in a job, not a career.

I got to a point where I just said I’m not prepared to do this, and we looked at locations where we could both work easily.

It took us two years to get to that point, and involved us living apart for a year, as well as DH taking a pay cut, but we are both finally happy.

I’d have walked away had DH not been prepared to compromise, as hard as it may have been.