to resent my husband for my career?

[BWaldorf]

My DH has a successful career. When we moved overseas, I had to retrain (I am highly educated but my field was heavily regulated), finish a new degree, and I now finally have my foot in the door and working as a graduate in a new field (with the slightest bit connection to my old career).

However, there is also an opportunity somewhere that will greatly benefit his career. Which he is so wishy-washy about. After I finished uni, I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to pursue that, and said I should say no to the graduate offer. I didn't listen to him and thought I could just say no few months when the program was about to start. Then he changed his mind and said we were going to stay where we are. Good thing I didn't cancel my grad program!

Now I am almost a year into my grad program, and he's now again wanting to pursue the other opportunity. This will greatly affect me, as I probably need to be retrained again.

I am beginning to think he is selfish about his career. He is great everywhere else, but he doesn't seem to think about the impact of his indecisiveness to me. We have no kids, fortunately!

My exH screwed off my career by moving me to the middle of nowhere. Now divorced I still can't move. It's hard not to resent him. Take it from me just say NO.

I am beginning to think he is selfish about his career. He is great everywhere else, but he doesn't seem to think about the impact of his indecisiveness to me. We have no kids, fortunately!

If you don't have kids then his "greatness everywhere else" might not be so significant. Kids are one of the areas where big decisions get made, where adults have to choose between things that all really matter to their lives and often something important has to be given up by one parent or both, along with rationing the everyday comforts like free time and sleep. He has been selfish around the one huge, life-changing decision that you have had to make so far. What other huge life-changing decisions has he been "great" around?

Putting the best spin on things I can, perhaps part of his indecisiveness was because he didn't want to spoil your career chances. But that's not quite the way you are explaining it.

There has to be give and take on both sides otherwise there needs to a serious conversation about whether you are compatible long term.

Who earns more is relevant, but only to a point. If you keep allowing your ambitions and career to be sidelined because he earns more then you'll never get out that cycle, and before you know it you'll both end up deciding that if you have children "it makes financial sense for me to be a SAHP/go part time".

At the moment he is taking a lot and his attitude seems to be that you'll rework around his whims and wants. That has to stop.

Those timings are interesting. First move out of your accredited jurisdiction, stopping your career cold, and 2 intended moves right when you are about to get back on your feet.

Is your husband comfortable with your successful retraining, and approaching financial independence?

Is your husband comfortable with your successful retraining, and approaching financial independence?

I honestly believe he isn't uncomfortable with this. I think he wants me to succeed and was very supportive with me retraining.

But he's also bloody ambitious and I've become one, in recent years.

A super ambitious man, if his job requires him to travel at a moment's notice or up sticks every few years, is going to need a trailing sort of wife who keeps the domestic situation under control while he flies around.

Once kids are in the picture, he may not be so flexible and practicalities and logistics may dictate one of you will have to take a back seat on the career front. You can both work (with domestic help), but yours may not be the stellar career you had in mind pre-kids.

blueshoes makes some good points.
If he really does want to be a high flier , travel lots, move lots sort of career man then he needs someone who is willing to be a trailing spouse.
Personally I can't think of anything worse, but then I'm also career driven so wouldn't be happy doing that. Some people don't mind.

It's really worth discussing long term plans, expectations, the children conversation, and deal with the future elephant in the room: what will this look like when you've both got a career and what's the expectations on children and family responsibilities.

No. No no no.

Put your foot down here and send the message VERY CLEARLY that you are an equal partnership. PARTNERSHIP, not you as the subsidiary.

He had one choice, you have the next. You say no.

Amount earned has absolutely nothing to do with it - that's a very horrible slippery slope as once you accept that, then the person earning more is always given priority... enabling them to earn more and more at the expense of the other person.

Life and happiness is about more than money, so that is to be left out of it unless we're talking financial emergencies.

You are equally important - but so far, his behaviour is already indicating that deep down, he doesn't think so.

So - you need to nip that very very firmly before you even THINK of starting a family - or you won't go the distance.

Tell him no, and mean it, and carry on perfectly happily - no guilt.

I asked him this when I finished uni, if he said yes we will go, I'd have gone another way and did something relating to my old career which I can actually use in the new place. However, he said no, we were staying where we are. So now I've been out of practice for so long I basically have to start all over again!

He doesn't actually value or respect you or your ambitions.
He just pays lip service to keep you occupied and 'happy' so you don't see how truly selfish he is.
He seriously thinks he can just click his fingers and change his mind whenever he wants and you'll just fall in line.
He doesn't give two shits about the hard work you've put in - and you're on your 2nd degree!
I think he just treats/sees you as filling time with your 'hobbies' cos ultimately his decision will prevail in accordance with his ambitions - and you're already being conditioned to view his higher income as a right to veto the final decision.

Face it. If you have kids with him it's YOU that will have to put your career on hold yet again.
If you take time out to be a SAHM you'll be depending on him financially too - with him having the power of final veto.
If you want to work part time - will you be able to if you have to re-start the whole training process again now?
If you can't, what options are left - cleaning? Bar work?

He's a massive CF and you're being too soft with him.
Stand your ground firmly - it's YOUR turn to be supported in your career ambitions so you can finally earn a decent income for yourself.
Then if you move or have dc in the future it can be somewhere that BOTH of you can work ft or pt.

I wouldn't bother building a future with such a selfish and inconsiderate man let alone have dc with him.

Wouldnit wprk if he applied for his next step in 2 or 3 years rather than now?

Wouldnit wprk if he applied for his next step in 2 or 3 years rather than now?

I'd still need to go back to retrain.