Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To ask if I took it wrong?

31 replies

CupidIsFired · 27/09/2019 23:55

A guy I work with said something to me today and Its kinda sticking in my mind.
We get along, we have banter, he's not a bad a guy. He's 24, single with no kids. I'm 29, single mum as ex left during pregnancy. Everyone knows.

Anyway...

He always asks if "I'm talking to any guys" almost every week. But he asks all the girls, not just me. So just like every week, I tell him no. Today he asked why, I said because I'm not really looking for anyone right now, I never go out so can't meet anyone that way, and I'm not keen on online dating, at least not right now. He said what about the toddler groups (he then named one specifically as it came up in a topic once, I'm surprised he remembered the name tbh) I said (in a jokey way) well the group if for my DD it's not for me to pick up guys... and also the majority of the parents that come are women, and the men that do attend occasionally, are all married. His reply was
"Yeah tbh, I probably wouldn't take my bastard child to that group either"

I didn't like the comment, and it made me not want to talk to him much for the rest of the shift. I didn't really say anything, or let him know that it bothered me. But I think it is bothering me

AIBU?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2019 23:59

The phrase "bastard child" is abhorrent. What a vile thing to say. I wouldn't be talking to him anymore unless it is strictly work related.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2019 23:59

What a dick. And wtf about quizzing colleagues on their private lives? What sort of work place is this?

He’s not your friend, keep it to work talk only.

CSIblonde · 28/09/2019 00:02

What a vile comment. I'd have said something at the time but I'm gobby like that. I'd tell him it upset you. I'd also probably keep a distance after that too, as he's kind of showed you who he is & it's not great. And the 'talking to any guys' thing is weird. What's it to do with him, is he desperate & angling for a date & that's his 'in' or, just socially inept.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2019 00:03

Yeah that's an awful way to talk about an imaginery child born out of wedlock, even with the kid being imaginery. Id def keep my distance

zzzzzzzz12345 · 28/09/2019 00:04

Awful phrase. I’d back right off. Work related stuff only. He’s weird. No one normal says that about a child.

drillbittaylor · 28/09/2019 00:06

I think he's just a nosey, gobby fuck looking for a bit of 'goss' from you all but has absolutely zero empathy for anyone else but himself. Sounds like a wee arsehole, IMO.

Mooncupblues · 28/09/2019 00:06

That’s hideous

Original poster

CupidIsFired · 28/09/2019 00:07

I always thought it was wierd that he asked these questions too, but everyone else just laughs it off so I thought I was just being sensitive. We're not really friends, I don't see or talk to him outside of work but I always thought he was a nice guy. My opinion has changed of him now though.
He doesn't usually ask "why" when I say I'm not talking to anyone though, so today was a surprise. There was also customers about so I felt I couldn't really say anything At the time. And now I think it's a bit too late. I hate making a scene or any sort of atmosphere

OP posts:

gamerchick · 28/09/2019 00:26

It's a nasty thing to say and tells you a whole lot about him and how he thinks.

You've seen him in a different light, just be professional from now on. He's a dick and best avoided I think.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2019 08:38

It’s not making a scene to say “that’s none of your business Tony” and carry on with your work. If he replies, as it sounds like he might, “oooh touchy” or some other arsehole remark just shoot him the look you’d give a misbehaving child and keep quiet. He sounds grim. But it’s about him being a loser, not you or your other colleagues he’s bothering.

Chloesmumtoo · 28/09/2019 10:28

Born of parents not married to each other; illegitimate ‘a bastard child’ - yes agree, I don't like the phrase/definition either.
Are you sure he's not coming on to you and that he hasn't got a child with someone himself? Maybe fishing about you and where you go?
If he is implying your child is 'a bastard child, I'd be shocked and insulted too so yanbu, we hate the term despite its meaning. But referring to an imaginary child of his own, he doesnt see what he is saying as offensive. Different ways to look at it.
Could be he struggles with conversation and it ends with that foot in mouth sinario. Inappropriate babble, I find some people very easily offend today with no boundaries on how they say things and lack social skills. You said originally he is not a bad guy, and you have banter with him. He may just struggle socially and has a bad repetative way of making conversation to people? It's very hard to know or class him as a bad horrible person, as opposed to he may say horrible things without meaning it, be bad socially. Him knowing the meaning of bastard child in definition eg child out of wedlock but not socially seeing it as offensive? I don't know, clutching at straws here as you thought he was a nice guy?

messolini9 · 28/09/2019 10:34

"Yeah tbh, I probably wouldn't take my bastard child to that group either"

That is outrageous.
Can you start referring to him to his face, as "my bastard colleague"?

Original poster

CupidIsFired · 28/09/2019 10:34

@AnneLovesGilbert no, you're right. But he's the type of person to go and say something to someone else about how I was being over dramatic or something. And everyone who works there are friends, they all go out together and hang out, outside of work. I mentioned it at the end of the shift to the duty manager and she rolled her eyes and laughed a little and said he's probably just trying to wind me up.

That's why I thought I was maybe just being over sensitive.

OP posts:

LittleSweet · 28/09/2019 10:36

Was he trying to be funny? Its not funny. Just keep your answers very general, and if he tries to get answers to personal questions, turn them around on him and ask him why he wants to know. I would probably avoid him and try not to speak to him. Do you have an hr person/department? I'd tell them what he said.

Dieu · 28/09/2019 10:40

Fucking creepy weirdo. What a horrible comment to make, and do you know what, it wasn't said off the cuff. This was clearly an intentional, considered comment that he has been just dying to slot into the conversation for some time. Hence asking you about toddler groups, etc. This comment shows who he really is, and what he really thinks of you. Avoid

Original poster

CupidIsFired · 28/09/2019 10:44

@Chloesmumtoo that's a good explanation, I did think that maybe he doesn't find it offensive and so it wasn't meant to be offensive.
He doesn't have any problems socially (that I can see), he's very confident and "popular" I guess you could say, quite intelligent.
I'm definitley not his type though, so he's definitely not hitting on me. He only likes slim perfect looking girls without kids (not my words) he likes to talk about dates he's going on and how it went etc, I don't really like this side of him.as he seems a little shallow when it comes to dating, but I don't really listen to him talk about his dates much as he's just a colleague so I can walk away and do some work.
Other than that he's generally polite, helpful and you can have a conversation about most things, his favourite subject is obviously dating though.

I just don't understand why he needed to say bastard child, when he could've just said child.

He's in today so maybe I'll just mention it wasn't a nice statement

OP posts:

AmyFl · 28/09/2019 10:48

The duty manager shouldn't have rolled her eyes- that's poor management in my view. If she's just the duty manager is there an another manager you could speak to about this?

Straycatstrut · 28/09/2019 11:00

Trying to be all rock n roll and "too cool" ? I don't know. Awful expression. I thought the word bastard was outdated now, never really hear it.

I'd have said excuse me WHAT?....

Straycatstrut · 28/09/2019 11:01

He only likes slim perfect looking girls without kids

He sounds like he things he's the dogs OP.

scoobydoo1971 · 28/09/2019 11:09

Next time he asks you about 'talking to guys?'. why not ask him if he has any hobbies outside other people and their private lives...that might shut him up. He is obviously insecure by the way he conducts him...'bastard child' is like something out of medieval times! He may like slim, childless 'perfect' girls, but I guess he isn't getting into a relationship with any of these damsels anytime soon.

Chloesmumtoo · 28/09/2019 11:12

I just don't understand why he needed to say bastard child, when he could've just said child.
Yes I wondered this too.
It is definately very outdated like Straycatstrut says.
Very odd to use, is he highly intelligent in the English terms then, I mean definitions of things. As you say intelligent.
If he is, he may have just deeply thought and categorised himself as unmarried with a child. And used the term. But no matter how I look at it, it's just a horrid thing to say.

Original poster

CupidIsFired · 28/09/2019 12:16

@Chloesmumtoo i wouldn't say highly intelligent. Maybe a little more than average. Yes, maybe he did. It's just odd to me that someone of his age who doesn't have children yet, came out with that phrase. As it's not something I have heard much. I think I can recall one time hearing this and it came from someone alot older.
So I suppose it just came as quite a shock and wondered if maybe it is used more in other places. As he is from up north and I'm from the opposite end.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2019 12:56

I've lived long enough to know that these men engineer these sorts of conversations.

It's a form of non sexual negging, or just to get you on the backfoot.

Don't say anything. Just have him down as an arse hole and treat him as such.

He got you to justify why you aren't dating. Don't do that ever again on any subject.

It isn't an Up North saying, he's a nasty twat and knows what he's doing.

Rachelover60 · 28/09/2019 13:01

I think he was extremely rude. Calling anyone a 'bastard' is not on and no one says that nowadays about a child born out of wedlock. I'm truly horrified. Maybe you misheard him? I doubt it but it's possible.

I was born out of wedlock by the way, nearly seventy years ago but no one ever called me a bastard. The only times I've heard that term used is like, "You cheeky bastard", or "Stop being such a bastard".

Just be a bit less friendly with him from now on, keep it professional. If he has been offensive to you he has certainly been the same with some of your colleagues.

usernamexox · 28/09/2019 13:36

What a terrible thing to say, I'd have told him off the minute it left his mouth or if I'd have overheard him talking to you. Your line manager should really have a word with him but they sound weak.
Anyway, you've got his measure now (a rude dickhead) so just keep it professional.

Flip

1 2