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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by family going away together?

27 replies

Illneverbepromqueen · 27/09/2019 22:32

I have an older sister and she’s married with children.

I’m pathetic, single and childless.

Each year my sister and her family go away to a seaside town. My parents also book to go to the same location at the same time.

Because they don’t physically stay in the same holiday rental they claim that it’s not a family holiday and just a coincidence Hmm

  • basically their loophole to not invite me.

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

OP posts:
Sweettalking · 27/09/2019 22:36

You're not being unreasonable at all. Being excluded from family events is my super power and it feels super shit all the time, even after thirty years. You have my sympathies OP.

Thenotes · 27/09/2019 22:38

Do they know you'd like to go? I might assume my young free and single sister would be bored at the prospect of a week with DC and GPs

CherrySocks · 27/09/2019 22:43

Firstly, you are not pathetic.

Secondly, you are not pathetic.

Thirdly, you are not pathetic.

Fourthly, yes your parents and sister are being unkind.

How much contact do you have with them all? Do you get on with them OK in general?

Original poster
Illneverbepromqueen · 27/09/2019 22:45

I do but I think they prefer my sister as she’s the put together one that gave them a perfect granddaughter and grandson.

I’m just the screw up with depression.

Thanks for saying I’m not pathetic. I sure feel I am.

OP posts:
Sweettalking · 27/09/2019 22:55

I'm not sure there's a hurt quite like that imposed by parents when they favour one child over another and you're the not favoured one.

I spent the whole of last Christmas Day in tears because of a comment my mother made on the phone. I'm 50 years old for god's sake, but it still hurts like hell.

You're so not pathetic for being hurt by this.

hittheroadjack1 · 27/09/2019 22:59

You're not pathetic.

They're fannies.

GaudyNight · 27/09/2019 23:02

OP, it’s awful that you think of yourself as ‘pathetic’. And isn’t it perfectly possible that they assume, not unreasonably, that you’d be bored to death on a damp beach holiday with children? I know I wouldn’t have gone on my own family holidays when DS was small, if I hadn’t had to...

francienolan · 27/09/2019 23:02

I hate them for you, let me know if you need me to give any of them a swift kick in the arse x

Aberhonddu · 27/09/2019 23:08

You're definitely not pathetic.
Poem by Philip Larkin.
They fuck you up your Mum and Dad,
They may not mean to, but they do,
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra just for you.
Flowers for you op. You're not pathetic at all.

TitianaTitsling · 27/09/2019 23:12

Have they said "we're doing this, you're not welcome"
Have you wanted to go and been told no?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 27/09/2019 23:18

You're not pathetic.

They are pathetic for thinking they can get away with the 'it's a coincidence' line. At least own the fact you are treating your children differently.

FlashingLights101 · 27/09/2019 23:18

So it's your sister, husband and children who go away with your parents (who stay somewhere else)?

We've been away with both my parents and my in laws and it never occurred to us to invite either my siblings or my husband's siblings... we would assume if they wanted to go away with them, they would organise it themselves... Unless I have misunderstood?

I wonder if you're overthinking this? Why not suggest to your parents you three do something together?

saraclara · 27/09/2019 23:22

Yes. Do they know that you'd like to go with them?

Span1elsRock · 27/09/2019 23:24

My sister is the "golden child" and I'm the family scapegoat.

I'm finally over it aged 49.

You're not alone, trust me.

BackforGood · 27/09/2019 23:27

Have you specifically said to them "Can I come too next year?" or "I'd like to come away with you all when you book this time" ?

Because most of use with dc realise it is hard work and not very relaxing having small dc. It also involves getting up early, and being tied down a bit in the evenings. I would start from the assumption it wasn't what someone who is young free and single wanted to spend their annual leave on. I know it isn't the sort of holiday that would appeal to me before having my own dc.

cafenoirbiscuit · 27/09/2019 23:46

Arrange a MN gathering in the same place, for the same time. We (inc you 😊) can pop by for 15 mins in between having our own fun. 😀😀😀

Hecateh · 27/09/2019 23:47

You are certainly not pathetic

My sister, childless, was invited on family holidays and was never interested, which is fine.

Fast forward 30 years. She is enjoying fabulous expensive holidays because she has a wonderful pension, whilst I (3 years older) am still working in order to get a full state pension

Witchend · 27/09/2019 23:49

I agree with FlashingLights

I'm one of three. Me, ds1 and ds2.
Ds1 has been away with dp pretty much every year in the last 20 years. Sometimes ds2 has been away with them too.
Ds2 has been away with dp probably about half the years.

We've been away with all 3 families once, and away with dp twice and away with dp and ds2 once.

It's not to do with favouritism. It's to do with ds1's family needs a heck of a lot more help than either the other two. Dp are exhausted after a holiday with them-it's not really a holiday for them.
If I'd asked them to come away with us, they would have if they could.

But also I know that dp will basically fit round the family they've gone with. That means two families becomes very different, because you've got two families potentially wanting to do different things.

We're all at different levels of family (mine are teens, one has tweens and one has toddlers).
It's hard enough to find things all of mine enjoy for a day out without adding in younger ones who really wouldn't enjoy what they enjoy.
So we'd probably end up doing a couple of days on the beach together and for the rest of the time going our separate ways, which actually is harder than going on our own because you have to be back for a certain time because family A is cooking dinner, and maybe you want to lie in in the morning, and family B wants to meet up for breakfast etc. I find it far less relaxing.

The other thing that would be difficult is they're staying in different places. I doubt this is to "pretend" they've accidentally met up. It's probably (as I do) both like their own space.
I love my parents very much, but having our own space in the evening is much more relaxing, and we all prefer to have a break from each other at the end of the day. That's exactly how we would arrange it.
So are you happy to have a room of your own to go back to in the evening? Probably not. So you'd be staying with one of them, which then means they haven't got their own space any more.

Lweji · 28/09/2019 00:12

Do they book it sort of secretly? Do you have a chance to book something yourself?

What do you do for holidays?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 28/09/2019 00:28

Sometimes you do need to speak up if you'd like to participate in something. I agree with PP's that they probably think you wouldn't be interested in a seaside holiday with children in tow...it's totally different to an adults-only holiday!

CherryPavlova · 28/09/2019 00:30

Can you not have an adult conversation and tell them you’d really like to join them? You could offer to babysit one evening.

Mothership4two · 28/09/2019 00:34

In my experience grandchildren tend to trump everything else. It's not necessarily about your ds being the 'golden child'. Still, YANBU to feel hurt.

But if they have actually claimed that it’s not a family holiday and just a coincidence then they are totally out of order.

Have you actually told them you want to come along too? I assume from your post that you do. They may be assuming it's not your thing as it will probably be child orientated.

You are absolutely not pathetic! Flowers

SunshineAngel · 28/09/2019 00:35

It's always the same with us and my partner's two siblings and their children.

Except now his parents take my DSS, so it's literally just us two who get left out.

They say it's because he got asked a few times and just said he couldn't afford it (which he couldn't, he was a single dad working part time at the time, and the places they go aren't cheap) so they stopped asking.

But in the two years since we've been together we've also had my wage, which is much higher than his anyway - we could go if we were given the opportunity to save!

Caucho · 28/09/2019 00:39

It’s difficult to tell by the information given as you haven’t mentioned it you’ve expressed a desire to participate and / or you’ve been actively excluded.

It wouldn’t occur to many on here including myself that it’s a problem because it’s something I would not want to go to personally. Or is it a jealousy thing that they’ve more interested in your sister? That kind of sucks but is something I think most people would accept in terms of grandchildren being more of a draw. It’s probably more them than your sister in terms of wanting to hang out.

It does depend on your relationships personally though. In my own circumstances I’d be grateful for my sibling taking the strain

kateandme · 28/09/2019 00:53

your not pathtic op.
have you felt they dont want to include you.im not questioning you over wahts happening but is there any way you could have mis read this.an they jsut assume youll go away with mum and dad too if you wanted?

if they are being horrid and doing this to exclude yo uthen im sorry.but your not alone.
in fact your braver than all of them for battling a horrid illness and being here to tell the tale.