AIBU to think MIL is two faced?

[foreverroses]

We just got a call to the landline. It was a regional accent, a man, and although I’ve only met him once I knew it was DH’s uncle. He sounded like he was in the pub.

He asked for DH. I said he wasn’t home at the moment. Uncle then (presumably) handed phone to someone saying “It’s her, I’m not speaking to her”. I heard MIL say “Who?” And uncle said “The stuck up bitch”. MIL laughed and then came on the phone.

She asked to speak to DH and I said he wasn’t in. She said she was out with her brother and FIL and they decided to call DH. I made my excuses and ended the call. (DH is coming home on the tube. He will be unreachable on his mobile for a while.)

It’s obvious what uncle thinks of me but am I right in think, as MIL knew immediately who he meant by his description, that this is familiar to her? She didn’t defend me. But to my face she is OK.

If you live far away from them what sort of things do you really do day to day? Also they ridiculed your DH for buying somewhere? They sound delightful.

Rang MIL and didn’t even get around to saying anything about the laughing because she immediately started going on about FIL falling over on the way home last night and hurting himself badly and refusing to go to A&E 🙄.

That's an absolute classic tactic for someone who is fearing their cf'ery is about to be called out.

It's a massively common tactic used as well when someone goest NC with someone. There's always a drama to try and lure them back in.

You haven’t really given her a chance to respond though, for all you k is she may well have had a go at him after she got of the phone to you.

Know

Witchinaditch

We basically dig them out of the holes they dig for themselves.

lyralalala

That hadn’t occurred to me. I think FIL is really hurt though.

Freddiefox

Don’t care, can’t be bothered. It’s as if I’ve had a wake up call. All the things we’ve done over the years...and it’s now occurred to me that they resent it, maybe even think I (and maybe my birth family) lord it over them because we’ve bailed them out.

It’s things like MIL will keep shop vouchers, valid for a year, for over a year and then want to spend them 🙄. She then gets annoyed that she can’t. I wrote a letter to the shop saying she had been saving them up for a couple of years not realising that they were invalid, to afford a dress for her daughter’s wedding, and they let her have some of the value of the out of date ones as a goodwill gesture. DH paid the rest so she could afford the dress.

She was about to book a holiday with Thomas Cook a while ago, we advised her not to. Now she’s glad she didn’t etc. The holiday she booked instead, I managed to get her £500 off because I’d spotted an offer she hadn’t seen.

That sort of thing.

I’m not doing it any more.
Can’t be bothered.
Will spend that time on me instead.

You say the uncle had a regional accent . Nothing wrong with a regional accent at all - but bear in mind if you speak well and he was half cut he's just being a reverse snob and a degenerate oaf to boot .
Her laughter was perhaps an embarrassed attempt to cover up his ignorant gaffe ? But she still needs to apologize to you .

Not read the full thread but I'd say it was two faced of her to laugh but where you say "she must have been familiar with this description as she immediately knew who I was" this may not be true - she may have just known it was you as she knew theyd rang your house and "bitch" refers to a woman so shed have known it was you not your husband iyswim.

Either way I'd be upset though so you're fully justified to to feel that way

KronksSpinachPuffs Yes, point taken, could have been that.

MrsRufusdog789

I don’t think she knows I heard.

Sorry I don’t mean to be obtuse but why would you call her and tell her your too busy to help her anymore when it’s not day to day things it’s more helping them out when they have got themselves into a mess, I would have waited until next plea for help and said no then it just seems odd to do it in advance if you’re not doing day to day things for them. I think you or your husband should address the “stuck up
Bitch” comment that is totally unfair and not on. Also if they were in the pub could she have been laughing at something else and not heard him say that? Maybe I’m clutching at straws. Sorry op you don’t deserve to be called names like that from people who are supposed to be family.

Witchinaditch Some things are regular, like doing her books for her eBay account (she was classed as a shop because she was buying to sell but didn’t declare 🙄 when she was found out I showed her how to do her accounts but she couldn’t get the hang so I do it.

So it’s giving her the heads up to find someone else.

But I didn’t ring just for that, I rang to ask about the laughing and that but didn’t get a chance and the busy thing just came out! Glad I said it though. I feel a huge weight has been lifted. We also did her sister’s yearly taxes and that was also a pain because she would send the paperwork very late and we’d be up all night to get them in so she wouldn’t be fined. Not doing it anymore. DH can if he wants of course.

Ah fair enough! Good for you for putting your foot down. Why should you help people who don’t have basic respect for you. Good luck OP and hopefully you don’t have to see them gang often

That often*

My family are in the north about an hour from them. I’ve always felt obligated to visit both when I’ve gone up. (I go more often than DH because he can’t be bothered and works away enough from home anyway.)

It will be easier just to go to my sister’s and not have to rush off.

They come to us about once a year when they are going to the airport or doing something in the city. They don’t stay here though. We don’t have the space. So that will never be an issue. DH can see them on his own when they are down. (We don’t stay with them either.)

I woke up to an email from MIL asking for a favour 🙄. Five minutes ago I got another one asking for help with DN’s homework. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The homework... by the time she had typed out the question to me, she could have put it in google and gone to the information.

The favour is to find something for her on eBay or similar. Again, this is something she could do herself. She either can’t be bothered or it’s a test.

I think it’s sunk in what I said about being busy and she’s testing the waters. I didn’t respond to the first mail so she’s dangled a child I should help instead. I deleted another mails without response.

Good for you! I’d do the same

Suggest she buys Alexa to run her life instead!!
She is awful op!!

Thanks. She’s never tried the homework thing before. 🙄

Could you try to talk to her again, OP? Perhaps send her a text first saying 'I'd like to talk to you about something that's been bothering me' so that she can't derail, and you won't chicken out.

Your BIL sounds a bit of a loose cannon, and there are a lot of reasons MIL may not have called him out there and then - sometimes calling someone out just makes them more entrenched and causes an argument and it's just not worth it (I have a colleague like this - when she bitches about people or uses derogatory nicknames, I just totally ignore and change the subject - because engaging with it just makes her try to convince me to agree with her). And perhaps it was awkward laughter? Or she was a bit tipsy? Or you misheard?

I do understand why you are hurt and your assumption might be right, but cutting back contact based on an interpretation of a snippet of overheard conversation seems harsh without giving her a chance to explain. If nothing else, her reaction will probably be telling.

Jenwiththecurls I think her reaction to sending tasks by email tells me what I need to know. Both the things she has sent are irrelevant but she is testing the waters.

As for UIL (not BIL) she should not even have given him our number. She knows what we and most of the rest of the family think of him. He’s not a nice person. She knows we do not want to hear from him.

So I’m not going to contact her anymore. She can contact DH if she wants nothing and it’s up to him. In fact why isn’t she asking him about the homework and donkey work of trawling through eBay for tat?

Send the email on to your dh. Say his dm needs his help....
Every time.

Windydaysuponus•

I did! He is trawling eBay as I type. Interesting. Seems he doesn’t want to poke the bear. He says he’s not helping with the homework though, doesn’t understand what his sister doesn’t parent her own children.

I’m just watching it all pan out...

Bite your tongue op. Do not help!!. You are on the way to full resignation from mil work!!
Dh however!...

...

He’s given up! Whether he’s told her he looked or not, I don’t know.

Welcome to the new world of not giving a shit about MIL, OP!