Can you change from being possessive and controlling?

[flabbergastedatthat]

Following on from another thread..is this possible? In a relationship, if I feel that a partner: friend etc is detaching from me, I can become controlling and I feel like i get angry in my attempts to hold onto that power.Is there anything I can do to improve this and change myself please?

Therapy is great!

Get some counselling and don't be in a relationship until you have

I think you will probably need therapy in all honesty. I don't think you can "change" just like that without intervention.

You dont just change.

You get help and dedicate yourself to actually changing. Rather than masking it.

My exh the masking it didnt help.

Personal opinion here, I don’t think one can truly change such specific behaviour but can learn to oppress it so that the object of their anger isn’t feeling threatened. But the controlling person will still have to deal with that anger on their own.
Maybe meditation or counselling would help you to let go of people and situations in a less stressful manner. It’s not doing you any good and it’s not doing the other person any good ether. Try to let it be, people should feel and be free to come and go as they want from your life.

Thanks. What type of counselling do you think may help me to help myself

It's admirable you're self-reflective enough to recognise your behaviour.

Do you think you might suffer from a wider issue, such as a personality or attachment disorder? Very common if you've had a traumatic childhood.

Yes. Attachment disorder . Typical child of an alcoholic. Thank you . I will look into counselling . I was used by a close friend as an emotional
Crutch and couldn’t do enough for them but when trouble came knocking to my door, there was no sign of the friend .it took me a year to see and accept that. I reacted angrily and tried to keep friend close but my friend found new pastures and effectively dumped me .

Possibly codependent

Therapy for developmental trauma. And if reading up on such things is helpful to you maybe some reading too. Could try Judith Herman.

And making an active choice to distance yourself from the other person to protect them unless and until you can interact without harming them.

I think it sounds like you definitely deserve support and help, OP.

I had issues around attachment due to past trauma and I've now changed, just to offer some hope

You will need some good private therapy to work on your attachment issues. I know that dialectical behavioural therapy is effective for EUPD which has similar traits to AD.

You won't be able to change the behaviour until you identify and successfully challenge the underlying beliefs and core values that lead you to them. Therapy is a good start, also recognising who around you supports/shares those beliefs and therefore reinforces them and also recognising that actually those behaviours may have gotten you the outcomes you wanted in the past and that will also reinforce the learned behaviour. The general aggression model is interesting, and can address controlling behaviours as well as violence. Definitely work to be done with a professional though.

For attachment disorder, you might want to look at psychoanalytic or psychodynamic psychotherapy.

If you want to change, you can. But it will take time and work and patience.

And needs to be for your own benefit, because you want to change, not as a means to convince anyone else to stick around.

You've clearly been through a hell of a lot. It's good you want to do something about it and feel ready to take it on.

Thank you all. I’ve detached completely and didn’t find it difficult in the end . I actually suggested detaching and enforcing boundaries between us which my friend did not respect, until someone brighter and better came along to fill the void a year later . It hurts

I really want to be a better person. I have childhood and more recent close friends and family and attachment has never been an issue with our relationships.It was this particular friend that made
Me realise that I was possessive and tried to control or hold power to keep the friendship alive.

Wanting to change and recognising that you have an issue is amazing. Tbh I don't think most controlling partners get to that point.
Therapy is what you need.

I really have not been a controlling partner . Just two relationships/ friendships on my life I really found myself trying frantically to hold on to something that was bad for me and bad for my two friends .

Hats off to you for taking steps to change.
Were you really controlling or just insecure?

Yes.
In the past I was a Very possessive controlling girlfriend, because I believed I was very unlovable and worthless.
I had some therapy, learned to meditate at a Buddhist centre and found ways to cultivate my self esteem.
Now all the angst and control feels a lifetime away, my relationships are very different and I’m a trauma therapist in a very specific field.

It is definitely possible to heal.
best of luck with it

ThAnk you. I don’t know what I was but what i do know is that those two friends walked straight into two separate but equally damaging situations where they were either abused or abused others .i felt utterly powerless and was angry because what i could see and what eventually became their reality came true . I was perhaps too honest and too straight and forceful rather than allowing them to go through their experiences and find those out for themselves .they felt that I was too ‘strong ‘ meaning forceful . Situation one was my friend whose husband was nasty and abusive and she defended him all day long.Second situation was my friend who is gay amd hid it perfectly only to have his girlfriend run after him hoping that he would finally find her attractive and want sex with her. I felt utterly powerless because I knew the truth and know the truth and I see these car crashes happening in front of my eyes . To them I imagine they found me controlling and angry . To me I am trying to protect and prevent even though their situations don’t affect my life somewhat ..frustration and panic I guess

flabbergastedatthat I think you are amazing for realising you need to change for your own sake and for the well-being of others. It’s a huge step to recognise your own damaging behaviour.
I’m sorry you had to suffer emotionally but I am glad for you that you have matured emotionally so, so much.
I’m not speaking from experience or from a professional position, simply as an observer of life and human interaction... In the case of your two friends, you really tried to keep them safe, like a mother would do to her children in a way, then you got frustrated because they couldn’t or refused to see the obvious. You are rational and understand that they needed to experience the downfall on their own. It was part of their own process of growing up in a sense but you didn’t want them to get hurt in the first place. It’s normal to want to protect your friends when you care about them and you have a beautiful soul for wanting to do so.
There might have been a big sense of rejection when your friends didn’t follow your advice and, more importantly, when they didn’t give you the support You needed at a time when you yourself were in need of it. Maybe this led to desperation expressed as anger which pushed them away further.
On the two points above, the wisdom to take away would be that a) not everybody thinks you are right and indeed none of us ever is (unless we are talking about technical, professional opinions) and you have to be conscious of this aspect therefore yes, always expose your point of view and feelings but accept it’s not always the ultimate truth. You may be proved right in time but the other person has their own view and perception and they just have to experience things on their own. And b) try not to expect help from anyone, be as self sufficient emotionally as you can but being careful not to reject others and become lonely. This would make you more relaxed and and open and then people would naturally feel more comfortable to offer their help.
Convert the anger into passion which you can try and channel in other areas of your life.
I hope some of this makes some sense and hopefully it doesn’t all sound like utter bollocks

Sometimes a person with attachment issues finds it hard to seperate being caring from being controlling.

They believe their actions stem from care, and that they are right to say what they say and do what they do, when in fact they may be stepping over a line in terms of being forceful and controlling.

I'm not saying this is you, as I don't know you or the situation, but I've experienced it myself (both sides!)

Learning to care but take a step back (but not totally detatch) so others can take responsibility for themselves can be learned in therapy, I do hope you get the support you deserve.

Thank you so much for excellent advice for and kind words.I have confused care for control. I knew that by following their own paths would
Not only lead to heartbreak for them but also for me as I would see them go through hell
And I would also lose them and their time and closeness. In both situations, the husband and the girlfriend of
My gay friend really don’t want me around and have said as much.i accept that of course I may not be right but right for them eg it may be acceptable to them to be insulted or mimicked . It may be acceptable to live in a sexless life with an arrangement of sorts.I am a mother, the eldest in the family and this has always been my way.I took on the care of younger siblings at a very young age and unfortunately I feel all
Emotions very very deeply . My mind can be a horrible
Place to live sometimes .