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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think parents don’t automatically deserve 50/50?

27 replies

northeatswest · 27/09/2019 16:06

Ok I might not have worded the title great.
In short my ex DP left me 3 weeks ago if you’ve seen my previous thread. I have a DS4 from previous relationship and me and ex DP have a 10 month old together.
He walked out without warning saying he didn’t feel the same and needed time to think. Throughout the 3 weeks he has been saying he is still thinking etc, we’ve had minimal contact and he has called round twice after work to see DD. Twice. In 3 weeks. He hasn’t once offered to collect her, asked to see her etc I’ve only had the odd text asking how she is.
My issue now is he has contacted me asking when he can have her over night, I explained to him I’m in absolutely no rush for that as he’s never got up with her in the night or morning, and as of yet he’s never even had a full day with her or taken her out alone. I said spending time with her is more important.
I’m now being told I don’t get to dictate as she’s half his and he is entitled to 50/50. Part of me wants to say well you haven’t cared about 50/50 while you’ve ignored us for 3 weeks ...
but AIBU? Do I automatically have to start sending her over night? She’s only ever had one night away from me I don’t see how it would be in her best interests

OP posts:

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/09/2019 16:14

Do I automatically have to start sending her over night?

You don’t automatically have to do anything until a court orders you to. Prior to that you don’t have to allow any contact.

But- having been through contact battle and knowing enough people who have been too, in your shoes I would agree to overnight contact now.

For two reasons

she is indeed his child and he poses no risk to her so no reason she can’t have overnights with him
if he isn’t a genuinely involved parent he will soon get bored of doing the donkey work involved in having her overnight regularly. He will start finding excuses not to have her “this weekend” etc, you’ll have your Dd the most of the time and it will be entirely his own choice. however If you dig your heels in, he will do the same and it will lead to court and you being forced to hand your baby over 50% of the time. As well as all the stress and expense of going through solicitors, mediation and court.

In your shoes- say yes now and you will find yourself in months to come with exactly the scenario you want- your daughter with you most of the time.

Also- if you’re honest- your response to him probably comes from an angry place.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2019 16:17

It's not about what parents "deserve" it's about what's best for the child

I think you both need to agree access rights. If you can't do that then a court will need to call it.

Louiselouie0890 · 27/09/2019 16:18

Surely theres more to this, in the 10 months he was there surely he had his daughter at some point, Why now cant he have her. Yes 3 weeks is shitty shes still his dad or I'd there more to it?

Original poster

northeatswest · 27/09/2019 16:20

I should probably add he left me when I was pregnant and came back when she was 3.5 months, I’ve not had any nights out, I’ve been on maternity leave so she’s literally been with me all day everyday. Weekends we would all be together but she’s always been with me. It took him a while to build up confidence with her.
And the never getting up with her etc he says is because I was there.
I guess I am just bitter because I know as a mother I couldn’t ( or wouldn’t want to) just walk away from my children for 3 weeks. So it baffles me that dads think that’s acceptable

OP posts:

Original poster

northeatswest · 27/09/2019 16:21

I’ve absolutely no issue with him having access. All I’ve said is because he’s never even taken her out he should start seeing her a Saturday or Sunday day time and build it up. But he isn’t in agreement

OP posts:

Tilltheendoftheline · 27/09/2019 16:22

Of course not everyone deserves 50:50 and that includes the main carer. Some mains carers are shit. Plenty of non resident parents are shit.

It's about what's best for the child. If you genuinely feel it's best for the child to not be overnight, tell him that. You dint have to do anything.

But if it's to just punish him for the last 3 weeks, though he has been a shit, that's not really in the childs interest

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/09/2019 16:24

Let it happen. If it’s awful and she won’t settle he won’t be rushing to do it again.

Love51 · 27/09/2019 16:25

Court would look at the best interest of the child. Which is usually somewhere between maintaining the status quo, and 50:50.
I've never heard of couples separating when a child is small in cases where both parents are pulling their weight. So the gap between status quo and 50:50 is large.

LolaSmiles · 27/09/2019 16:26

It's not about what he has or hasn't done in the past or gripes from your relationship (however justified). It's not about whether you've had no nighta out or he wasn't up in the night.

It's about what is best for the child.

At the moment you're angry (understandably), but that shouldn't drive the contact arrangements between child and father. If you can't arrange things amicably then the courts will have to mediate and decide.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/09/2019 16:26

Honestly OP tell someone they can’t have something and it’s all they want. Whereas if you just say yes, you’ll find out how much he actually wants to parent her.

Original poster

northeatswest · 27/09/2019 16:28

I completely agree it’s about what’s best for the child, that’s why I can’t get my head around just packing her off every weekend when she isn’t used to that at all? Surely it’s in her best interests for him to spend full days with her first? Would a court look at this or do they just think it’s best to go straight in? It’s all so rubbish

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 27/09/2019 16:29

joxer
That's true.
I'd take the approach of two parents sharing responsibility. It's in the child's best interests and if (or when) he starts with the excuses then it's all there in case anything needs justifying in due course.

It's probably a better position than saying no and blocking things out of anger and spite towards an ex.

Nicknacky · 27/09/2019 16:30

But she knows him, it would be different if he was coming back into her life. This will be her new normal and she will adapt.

It’s ok to admit you don’t want her to go and that is what’s concerning you most.

IronicalCallSign · 27/09/2019 16:39

It sounds like he thinks she's a object he half owns or parenting is done optionally/in bits and pieces.. it's obviously not, its 100% of the time from the day they're born. You don't just walk out and pop back at 3.5 months old, then walk out for 3 weeks a few months later.

He's been a massively shit partner, but that's not the problem here. He's been a terrible, part time dad for a huge chunk of her life... And now, despite having never been involved or proven he can cope practically, he wants 50/50..? What planet ishe on?

Do what's right for your dd, op. Encourage a safe, rational, slowly built relationship.

For starters he's going to need to know how she's doing weaning. About getting a baby proof space & cot & nappy, wipe, supplies. How teething is going. And that's just basic shit which I suspect he's totally ignorant of... In short, he isn't a fit carer overnight right now.

Your suggestion about building it up over time is excellent.. get him involved in the boring reality of being a 24/7 parent and he may step up.. or be off like a shot

One tip: from a legal pov, make it clear you're trying to build the relationship slowly but do NOT get conned into agreeing a rigid, set custody routine that may work for him but that a court may enforce later legally because it's a routine that she's used to. I've seen a friend agree to e.g. every Saturday & Sunday with the other parent, because she was on mat leave,six months later, parenting relationship broken down... Court decides this arrangement is working so much harder to deal with! Don't agree to sacrifice your own needs and establish a stable primary care environment to enable him short term, because a court (if it ever got there) might see it as the status quo. And they (rightly) consider what's best for the child.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/09/2019 16:40

OP it will be hard the first time but it gets easier every time when you see that actually, she’s ok with it. And the longer you put it off the harder it becomes. In your shoes I would start now, get the hard bit out of the way and it becomes routine while she’s still young enough to not become estranged from him. I know it’s hard for you. I do know that.

Jellybeansincognito · 27/09/2019 16:43

Courts don’t force overnights until the child is 2 I believe? (Could be wrong).

I don’t personally believe 50/50 is in and childs best interests.

Sounds exhausting.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/09/2019 16:51

OP if you wanted to test his commitment to 50/50 parenting you could always text saying “fancy having DD overnight next Saturday? I’ve been invited out.” I think you'll Find he’s suddenly unavailable.

ColaFreezePop · 27/09/2019 16:54

OP do as @JoxerGoesToStuttgart suggests. Remember your LO will be teething now or very soon, so don't be surprised if he starts back tracking sharply.

@Jellybeansincognito depends on the involvement of the other parent.

randomusername · 27/09/2019 16:58

I thought standard was every other weekend for non-primary carer?

PettyContractor · 27/09/2019 17:05

There's nothing wrong with saying he has to work his way up to 50:50 in reasonable stages. There's a lot wrong in saying he can't be 50:50 in the future because he hasn't been in the past.

Having said that, I don't think it requires vast abilities or empathy to keep a 10-month-old happy overnight. If he wants to do it I don't see why he shouldn't. I'm assuming he knows how to make up a bottle and change a nappy.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/09/2019 17:06

There is no “standard” @randomusername. Families just have to come to whatever arrangement works best for them. Every other weekend tends to be very common because both parents want a weekend with/without DC and NRP usually works full time whereas RP often is more available to do school runs and after school care during week.

Gusthetheatrecat · 27/09/2019 17:08

Am no expert, but I think it might be useful to have an evidence trail showing that you're not putting any barriers in his way. Could you send him a quick and clear (just factual!) email saying you're very happy he wants to have contact with her, and you suggest (timings are just for example)
A Saturday afternoon for four hours. He will need to have a high chair, and here are a list of the foods she's currently eating. Can he confirm he has a buggy or would he like to borrow yours for the first visit before he gets his own? Likewise a cot for her to nap in - offer to lend him a travel cot for the first visit, then he can get his own cot. Mention new mattress, and what bedding she is used to.
Following week, A Saturday for around 8 hours, once he's got buggy, highchair and cot.
Following week, an entire Saturday, from 8am - bedtime.
Following week, Saturday lunchtime - Sunday breakfast time.
Say that this seems like a useful schedule to allow him the chance to make arrangements, and to get your LO used to him again after several weeks. Say you're happy to write out information for him about her bedtime and morning routines as you know he's not done those before. Make a short list of the things she'll need at his: toothbrush, baby toothpaste, pyjamas. Will he want to buy her clothes to wear at his, or should you send her with a change of clothes? etc.

Ostensibly, it's a perfectly helpful email laying out how you will help him to see his daughter. It's also an email that shows a court, if you need to later on, that you're concerned only that your daughter is happy and not trying to punish him (though God knows, I would want to in your position!). It's also a bit of an insight for him into all the organisation, time and money that will be required for him to do this properly. He can't just carry her around for photos and kisses!

PettyContractor · 27/09/2019 17:11

do NOT get conned into agreeing a rigid, set custody routine that may work for him but that a court may enforce later legally because it's a routine that she's used to

Presumably similar advice applies to him, he should try to get the routine now that he wants in future, if he doesn't get 50% overnights now then the chance of them being ratified later are reduced?

Thenotes · 27/09/2019 17:15

It shouldn't be about what parents "deserve" but what is best for the child and whilst I agree a child needs two fully involved parents wherever possible, I think it's highly unlikely that having two "homes" and no real base is a good solution for any child. Most adults would find that unsettling.

Original poster

northeatswest · 27/09/2019 17:17

Thankyou all for the advice I do really appreciate it. Obviously it’s hard for me, i absolutely do not want to be in this position but regardless I fully understand she’s both of ours and I want what’s best for her. My son has a great relationship with his dad and I want no different for DD. My concern was simply how optional she seems to him and the lack of hands on care he has actually done upto now. It felt cruel to me to just send her off over night when she’s always used to me being there, which is obviously something she’ll get used to, I just wanted to make sure it was all done in the best possible way

OP posts:

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