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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and FIL want to look after baby

42 replies

Carouselgirl · 27/09/2019 13:39

So my MIL and FIL have been very kind to offer to help with childcare once I return to work. My MIL originally said she would reduce her working hours so she would work 4 days a week and my FIL is self-employed and said he also would take 1 weekday.

My MIL then changed her mind and said she wanted to work 5 days a week, but would do Tues-Saturday, allowing Mondays to look after the little one. My FIL would then take Tuesdays.

My husband and I had a discussion with her to say we were concerned about her doing 5 days a week because she is the only one in her household who does cooking, cleaning and shopping, which occupies an entire day off. Her remaining day would then be looking after a 1 year old. She insisted this would be fine because looking after her grandchild would be like a 'holiday'. This is bearing in mind that when she describes my husband and BIL's childhood, she says that she lived in a house of 30 people in Kenya and didn't know where her kids were half the time because everyone else was caring for them.

After some thought and discussions with my FIL, my MIL decided 4 days would be better.

My hubby and I then also realised my FIL doesn't seem like he would cope well looking after a child alone- as I said before, my MIL does all the cooking and cleaning and he doesn't so much as make an omelette for himself let alone prep baby food and change nappies. My hubby tried to bring this up with my MIL, but she just dismissed him and said 'oh he'll be fine and i finish at 3pm so will help him after'.

My MIL was then concerned about whether she would get replacement bank holidays if she doesn't work Monday's. Her employer told her no because she would not be contracted to work Mondays anyway (makes total sense to me, I don't know why she would have expected differently).

My MIL didn't tell me she no longer wanted to provide child care on Mondays because of bank holidays and randomly asked me today when FIL is supposed to care for the baby. Next thing I know, she's had a meeting with her employer and told them she wants Tuesdays off instead and that she doesn't mind working 5 days on that basis. But she didn't discuss this with me until after her meeting.

I have a feeling my MIL will suggest my FIL takes Mondays and she does Tuesdays, but would it be unreasonable for me to say no and ask for them to share Tuesdays? That way my FIL will have support with the baby. A little bit of me also wants her lay in her bed the way she made it. I really don't appreciate how she went about all of this in a really sneaky manner

OP posts:

messolini9 · 27/09/2019 13:48

I really don't appreciate how she went about all of this in a really sneaky manner

Are you usually this peremptory & dismissive to people offering to do you a HUGE favour? It's hardly "sneaky" for MiL to want to arrange her working days in a manner that suits her.

Passthebubbly · 27/09/2019 13:51

This situation never ends well if like this at the start. I would honestly use a nursery or childminder instead

Original poster

Carouselgirl · 27/09/2019 13:52

@messolini9 It's not dismissive. I appreciate she wants to help, but don't sneak and tell us you've changed your arrangements when we've already said we are concerned you're overwhelming yourself and we are concerned about my FIL. Have a discussion with us and we will be more than willing to talk it out and figure out something that suits everyone.

OP posts:

woodymiller · 27/09/2019 13:55

I tried to take all that in. In all honesty it sounds too flaky an arrangement for you to rely on. You're going to end up having to take holidays last minute or having to leave early because MIL has realised it's too much and needs a day to herself or FIL is in a muddle and can't make a bottle up. I'd be arranging paid childcare and concentrate on IL's carrying out their GP role and as your DC gets older they can maybe do an odd evening or afternoon babysitting or be your backup childcare

GettingABitDesperateNow · 27/09/2019 13:56

How long is it til you return to work? How old is your baby? And how much looking after your baby have they done solo? What are you doing the other days and can you afford nursery full time?

To be honest from what you've said, my concerns would be the safety of the baby. The mum didn't know where her kids were all day and the dad cant cook an omelette. She thinks looking after a baby will be like a holiday.

I'd think about this first. The safety of your child is the most important thing. Will they follow guidelines that you do for things like weaning and safe sleeping? Will they baby proof their house?

If you are satisfied about your babys safety with mil but not fil you are allowed to say you dont think fil should look after the baby until it is older if he has no experience with babies. But outside this if they are giving you free childcare then no you cant really interfere with who is there or what they do or what they eat etc etc. Or what day it is.

If your only concern is they are not up to it why dont you say a day and suggest mil see if she can do 9 days out of 10 eg every second tuesday off, then they can do a day each alternate weeks.

To be honest I'd be tempted just to use nursery, and if she finishes at 3pm she can pick the baby up and give them tea a couple of nights a week. Shorter days for baby at childcare, mil feels involved but it's not as tiring for her as doing full days

Lllot5 · 27/09/2019 13:57

You do sound s bit ungrateful, I’m assuming they’re not charging you.
Just let her do it how she wants to, on which days she wants to. Nothing is set in stone if it’s not working then revisit.

Original poster

Carouselgirl · 27/09/2019 14:00

Thanks @woodymiller. This is my exactly concern- I think it's just going to be overwhelming for them and they're being overly optimistic and I get it because they're super excited for their first grandchild.

My MIL gets really tired from her existing work arrangements without a baby in the mix. I think she's not going to like it and may even be offended when I have to tell her paid arrangements seem to be the way to go, but it does seem to be the best fit to ensure reliability

OP posts:

AJPTaylor · 27/09/2019 14:19

How old is the baby?
Tbh I would suggest they have the baby next Saturday for the day (8-5.30) and see how they find it.
That will solve the argument.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/09/2019 14:38

This is not going to work out well.

There is already poor communication and (possibly well justified, favours notwithstanding) irritation at them from you. Also, your FIL does not sound capable of looking after a goldfish.

I think I would be looking at other options.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2019 14:38

I think the whole plan is bonkers and should let your mil you’re happy for them to pick your dc up at 3 or something once a week on a prearranged day.

LemonBreeland · 27/09/2019 14:39

Get paid childcare for the whole week and skip this, as it seems like it's going to be a total nightmare.

lyralalala · 27/09/2019 14:42

I know it's not the point of your thread, but your MIL is still entitled to a portion of bank holidays pro rata to her hours.

It's why if you work part time Monday and Fridays (especially Mondays) are the best days to have off as you aren't entitled to all the bank holidays so you end up owing time, but if you have them off then you gain time.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 27/09/2019 14:45

Arrange paid childcare.
Tell your PiLs that you want them to enjoy their grandparent time with your child, not be tied down to certain days every week.

Rachelle11 · 27/09/2019 14:51

You said they are excited for their first grandchild. Has the baby even been born yet?
As for her experience as a mum it's culturally different but I wouldn't assume she didn't take care of her kids.
But this doesn't look like it will end well. Get paid childcare and leave it at that.

Jesse70 · 27/09/2019 14:55

If u can afford proper childcare do it
Grandparents should be grandparents in my opinion and have a few hours here and there and they can treat them and get none of the shit after all they have already raised their own kids
I don't know how old your PIL are but mine are in their 60's and watch a young kid once a week and they really struggle and so does my SIL as she has to always change her shifts to suit
She worries about her kids not being disciplined properly and fed properly as the MIL always gives in because she doesn't want to argue with her grandchild
You will end up resenting each other and it really isn't worth it

RedskyLastNight · 27/09/2019 15:00

Leaving aside all the other concerns about tiredness/whether ILs will cope, I can't exactly see what MIL has done that is sneaky.

You've gone from a situation where she was planning to look after the baby on Monday and FIL on Tuesday to one (you're assuming) where FIL looks after the baby on Monday and MIL on Tuesday . That hardly sounds like a massive issue!

If the reality is that you're just not sure how they will cope, then re-assign them as "fun" grandparents and pay for childcare. Or at least suggest that they trial it for a day.

Drabarni · 27/09/2019 15:02

Why not just get her to collect baby from nursery a couple of days a week if she finishes at 3pm.

Upanddownandroundagain · 27/09/2019 15:02

I’d personally start having trial runs - both together and on their own - so they can see if they can cope. Then go from there.

Jayne35 · 27/09/2019 15:07

Sounds like she wants to help OP, if you aren't going to be happy with the situation then maybe best to arrange other childcare and maybe only one day a week with ILs.

My Dad was similar to your FIL in that my Mum did everything but I let him babysit for me, alone many times. The first time he struggled with the nappy and gave DS all his made up bottles as he fed him every time he made a noise (DS was a greedy baby who would feed all the time!) but after that he was fine, and actually invaluable to me when he retired as he had both DCs after school every day and school holidays so I could work without spending on childcare.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 27/09/2019 15:08

I don't work Fridays and Mondays, my bank holiday pro-rata entitlement is just lumped into my annual leave allowance and I take them as and when I choose.

However, I would say thanks but no thanks. Arrange nursery/childminder and use PIL for ad hoc babysitting. FIL doesn't sound like he'd cope and I think MIL sounds overly optimistic with what she will cope with.

LovePoppy · 27/09/2019 15:10

You do sound s bit ungrateful, I’m assuming they’re not charging you.
Just let her do it how she wants to, on which days she wants to. Nothing is set in stone if it’s not working then revisit.*

This is ridiculous. Help isn’t help if it’s not wanted, and it doesn’t sound like she actually wants to help it’s being forced on her. It is not unreasonable to expect to have some say so in how your children are cared for. Free or not.

@Carouselgirl don’t do this. It will cause your endless amounts of headache, and your concerns regarding your father-in-law are valid. I hate to think if you’re poor child sitting without a nappy change until 3 PM.

Get paid child care

GenderApostate19 · 27/09/2019 15:18

It all sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen and I say that as a new Grandma, I am giving up my pt job to care for my Grandson when DD goes back to work after Xmas, I couldn’t continue to work and child mind, I would be knackered.
Neither of them sound very capable tbh.

Piffle11 · 27/09/2019 15:19

This plant has disaster written all over it. I would get full time childcare – if you need it – and then perhaps every now and again let PIL have the baby for a couple of hours. My MIL used to look after her other DGS For one day, and although she didn’t work at all, she found it very tiring. I think they are greatly underestimating how difficult/tiring this will be for them. The last thing you want is for them to change their minds at the last minute, leaving you high and dry for childcare.

Redrosesandsunsets · 27/09/2019 15:23

You just don’t have to accept their offer of childcare. Say no thank you we have mad other arrangements. End of story.
Just because someone offers, you dont have to take them up on it. So it’s the grandparents? Well it’s all a nice idea from them but the reality will be very different. It’s just their lovely idea in their heads. Just say no thank you and move on.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 27/09/2019 15:25

There was lots of superfluous info in there. It boils down to:
My in-laws have said they will each look after my 1 year old one day a week. I don’t think they know what it involves and worry that they will not be able to cope- FIL can’t even change a nappy. Will this work?

The answer:
Obviously FIL can’t be left in sole charge until he can change a nappy. Is he really incapable of heating a pouch of baby food and pouring a carton of premade formula into a bottle? Both of those are much easier than making an omelette.

You need to sit down and give them step by step instructions.make sure they know that at that age it’s about active playing with them, taking them out and about, not just making sure they stay safe and fed. Then engineer a trial day without them realising they are on trial IYSWIM. Take it from there.

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