MIL and FIL want to look after baby

[Carouselgirl]

So my MIL and FIL have been very kind to offer to help with childcare once I return to work. My MIL originally said she would reduce her working hours so she would work 4 days a week and my FIL is self-employed and said he also would take 1 weekday.

My MIL then changed her mind and said she wanted to work 5 days a week, but would do Tues-Saturday, allowing Mondays to look after the little one. My FIL would then take Tuesdays.

My husband and I had a discussion with her to say we were concerned about her doing 5 days a week because she is the only one in her household who does cooking, cleaning and shopping, which occupies an entire day off. Her remaining day would then be looking after a 1 year old. She insisted this would be fine because looking after her grandchild would be like a 'holiday'. This is bearing in mind that when she describes my husband and BIL's childhood, she says that she lived in a house of 30 people in Kenya and didn't know where her kids were half the time because everyone else was caring for them.

After some thought and discussions with my FIL, my MIL decided 4 days would be better.

My hubby and I then also realised my FIL doesn't seem like he would cope well looking after a child alone- as I said before, my MIL does all the cooking and cleaning and he doesn't so much as make an omelette for himself let alone prep baby food and change nappies. My hubby tried to bring this up with my MIL, but she just dismissed him and said 'oh he'll be fine and i finish at 3pm so will help him after'.

My MIL was then concerned about whether she would get replacement bank holidays if she doesn't work Monday's. Her employer told her no because she would not be contracted to work Mondays anyway (makes total sense to me, I don't know why she would have expected differently).

My MIL didn't tell me she no longer wanted to provide child care on Mondays because of bank holidays and randomly asked me today when FIL is supposed to care for the baby. Next thing I know, she's had a meeting with her employer and told them she wants Tuesdays off instead and that she doesn't mind working 5 days on that basis. But she didn't discuss this with me until after her meeting.

I have a feeling my MIL will suggest my FIL takes Mondays and she does Tuesdays, but would it be unreasonable for me to say no and ask for them to share Tuesdays? That way my FIL will have support with the baby. A little bit of me also wants her lay in her bed the way she made it. I really don't appreciate how she went about all of this in a really sneaky manner

I think MIL and FIL need to have a few trial days of looking after baby. Then gently ask if they still want to provide care each week or would prefer to be emergency back up/ occasional weekend away carers.

Incredibly rude for you to say your MIL is being 'sneaky', do you realise how expensive childcare is and what a huge favour they'd be doing you? Saying you circa £90 a week!!

That being said the arrangement sounds flaky and like it will fall through.

*saving you

There was lots of superfluous info in there. It boils down to:
My in-laws have said they will each look after my 1 year old one day a week. I don’t think they know what it involves and worry that they will not be able to cope- FIL can’t even change a nappy. Will this work?

I must admit there was so much additional info in there that the main points went over my head.
Based on this summary I would just look for professional childcare and let your ILs be grandparents.

You’re calling her sneaky already and she’s not even began to look after your child.

It says it all really.

And leaving your child with a grandparent that can’t even look after himself?

Ok..

I would look for paid childcare (nursery ot childminder) and your ILs can pick the baby up from childcare if they finish before you get back from work or just enjoy being GP.

This is a disaster waiting to happen and the person that will be most affected is your child!

No no no!

They sound completely disorganised, totally unaware of the demands of caring for a 1 year old and ill suited to the situation.

Don't even ATTEMPT to resolve this in such a way that you're left in the lurch and your child is not properly being cared for.

Professional childcare is what's needed here.

Have they even had your child solo for a full day yet?

"Just let her do it how she wants to, on which days she wants to. Nothing is set in stone if it’s not working then revisit." How on EARTH is that remotely practical?! Op would then have to either take time off work JUST because of childcare issues (that'll ingratiate her with employers - not!) and/or have to find - possibly at VERY short notice - alternative professional childcare, which I can assure you is NOT easy. Most childcare providers require at least a week if not a months notice because there are (rightly) rules about ratios and planning.

I've been a nanny and a childminder and seen many similar arrangements fail at the first hurdle! Parents then expected I could just "step in" but I had other clients and THE LAW to consider. I wasn't going to risk losing my registration because they weren't properly organised.

For everyone’s sake, including PILs say no thank you. It’ll be easier all round I expect.

Let them babysit or take him out for the day instead. I’m sure they’d enjoy that more anyway.

This will all end in tears. Everybody likes the idea of looking after a baby for a few hours but they are bloody hard work.

Sneaky would be wanting a big favour from someone yet trying to catch them out on it, surely?

I don't see how your MIL is being sneaky. If you don't want them to look after your baby say so now before she changes her work to accommodate your baby.

Book baby into a nursery for the days yourself and Dh work. Mil is faffing around far too much and I wouldn't be making any childcare arrangements with her.

Honestly, get a nursery.

My MIL wanted to do one day a week childcare for us when we only had one child, I never wanted it but DH thought it was a good idea. The arrangements all started a bit like this, I didn't begrudge her chopping and changing things because she was doing us a favour but it was indicative of the fact that the whole thing became quite flakey and unreliable.

After a bit we stopped the arrangement and put him in nursery, everyone was so much happier!

We had to have a very frank chat with PILs when they asked to look after DD and I think if you can't do that then you're at a huge disadvantage before you start. We needed to be clear the they understood they were signing up for most weeks of the year as we didn't have an alternative except taking time off work. We also had to have a difficult chat over sugar consumption making DD ill.

Personally, if you can afford childcare, then pay for it. It makes it a much more professional relationship and it isn't mixed in with family feelings when you have to discuss something difficult. You are then paying for a service from a professional and can pick & choose a setting that suits you and your child.

What are your other options?
I was in a similar position MIL insisted she did one day a week childcare but her rota didn't fit with my plans and work routine so I said "no sorry it won't work and we have a nursery place". Sorted.

Have you observed them with baby? DF adores DD (13 months) and has had her alone for the day. FIL is great for play time but wouldn't do a nappy so I wouldn't leave DD alone with him as he wouldn't cope. I find that DPs and PIL generally need 2:1 now DD is on the move and I've structured my work days around them. That said, I've actually got DD a morning a week at nursery as they have no desire to facilitate interaction with other children.

Can you do Mon @ nursery or CM, Tuesday with the grandparents, then rest of the week back at nursery / CM? My parents have looked after my kids 1 day a week and my kids have such a great bond with them, plus they get that totally invaluable 121 attention and affection that nursery/CM can't provide.

As pp say, do a few trials. Be honest you want them together - for example what if one of them had a heart attack or fall?

As a new Grandma myself. I'm not sure how exactly she is being sneaky. There wasn't much point in telling you she could have the baby on Tuesdays until she had cleared it with her employer. I should have thought it was more sneaky to moan on here about what you think she might do instead of than asking her straight out.

It's posts like this that have me terrified to so much as breathe near my DGS in case I offend my DDIL!