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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not contributing enough?

47 replies

jarhead123 · 26/09/2019 21:07

My husband and I tend to have the same argument over & over again about money. He tells me repeatedly that I don’t contribute enough financially or otherwise (whatever that means)

I only work PT because we have kids (at school) and a dog we can’t leave for more than 4 hours. I can’t earn much more than minimum wage because I had kids young without a career behind me and I was a Sahm (which he encouraged) for 6 years.

Because I am around more i do all household tasks- shopping cooking cleaning , childcare , booking appointments etc you get the drift. I even put the bins out and cut the grass 😂

So anyway I feel I do my fair share. I’m also mid diagnosis for fibromyalgia so not running at 100% either.

He thinks I am taking the piss out of him though? AIBU?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 26/09/2019 21:12

No, he sounds like an arse. What else does he want you to do?

basicbitch16 · 26/09/2019 21:14

So if you were earning near minimum wage full time, wtf does he think childcare would cost and htf does he expect you to change this in the immediate future?

MrsMozartMkII · 26/09/2019 21:15

Tell him to add up how much it would cost to have someone else do all that.

And then tell him to get his fucking head out of his arse.

Liverbird77 · 26/09/2019 21:16

I think the only response here is to say, OK, I will go back full time. How are you going to contribute to childcare?

Brooksay · 26/09/2019 21:23

My answer is summed up by those first 4 replies.

flirtygirl · 26/09/2019 21:27

He has no respect for you and you working full time won't change that, as he would find something else to complain about.

You do so much. If he can't see that it's because he doesn't want to.

DianaT1969 · 26/09/2019 21:28

Tell him you've been offered your dream job and that it involves lots of overseas travel, so you'll be gone 2 weeks every month. It brings in above minimum wage, so he'll be pleased to know that you'll finally be in a position to chip in half towards wraparound childcare and dog walkers. You'll let him organise that as you need to go on a training course tomorrow in Spain. He isn't to worry about your relationship with the DC either, as fortunately you had lots of years as a SAHM to bond with them and now you feel it's only fair that he should get the same opportunity. Plus you'll skype them each eve. Start packing suncream and bikinis and call his bluff...
Can you tell that I don't like the sound of him at all?🤣

Stephminx · 26/09/2019 21:31

Out of interest, what exactly does he say you should be doing that you are not doing ?

He sounds like a tw@t based on the information you’ve provided.

Quartz2208 · 26/09/2019 21:34

You are not the one taking the piss he is

Point out that he is not contributing anything other than money so you would like him to step up with housework childcare and dog care and also caring about you

does otherwise mean sex?

Teddybear45 · 26/09/2019 21:37

Some men get like this when their partner’s get sick. Chances are he’s either worried about how he’s going to manage and taking it out on you, or he’s already written you off and may be searching for (or found) a replacement. You know him best so you may know which is more likely. He’s still a dick and you shouldn’t be taking these types of comments from him.

OkayGo · 26/09/2019 21:38

I’d be telling him you financially contributed quite enough when you looked after his children and his home for 6 fucking years so he didn’t have to pay for any of it.

RedSoloCup · 26/09/2019 21:40

What an ass!!!

Merryoldgoat · 26/09/2019 21:41

Your husband is a douche.

Ellisandra · 26/09/2019 21:42

I’m inclined to side with you - and even if he has a valid point, mithering you instead of discussing it properly isn’t the way to go.

But if you’ll run with devil’s advocate... do you have a domestic set up now which isn’t what either of you envisaged? Did he think you’d be at home with the kids when they were very young, but back working full time once they were older primary and the childcare fees were less?

I have a male friend who never thought his wife would be part time (and she’s only 10 hours) once their twins were the age they are now (9). She wouldn’t earn much full time - but (in his eyes) she’d be starting to progress again, and would be likely to earn more in future. Certainly more likely than she is now to build her salary! He is pretty annoyed because she has (in his eyes) unilaterally decided to stay part time, and it’s not what they ever talked about. He now sees himself as working full time whilst she does far less hours for the rest of their working lives. He feels aggrieved because that isn’t what they ever discussed. Now, difference is he’s not an arsehole going on about it all the time. But he would happily do more in the home if they were both working the same hours. So in his eyes that actually doesn’t make up for it.

If he’s a dickhead that keeps on at you in a shitty way, you have my full sympathy that he’s an arsehole.

But honestly, I think I’d struggle if I expected my partner to be working full time again by a certain point in our lives, and she wasn’t - and I didn’t feel that had been a joint decision.

highinthesky · 26/09/2019 21:43

"Contribute" enough? He doesn't sound like a team player or even slightly respectful of the mother of his kids.

Tell him your problems would be solved if he got a higher-paying job.

fedup21 · 26/09/2019 21:44

He’s being an arse about it but is he stressed about being the sole wage earner?

How old are the kids and how part time are you? Could you up your hours a bit?

Ellisandra · 26/09/2019 21:44

I’ve just re-read - I missed the fibromyalgia bit... (hope you can manage it Flowers) and if he’s been a dick about your health, that’s not on. But I stand by what I said - that it’s difficult for people to adjust when life isn’t what they thought it would be. The point of being married is that you work together to weather that though - but be an arsehole!

Ellisandra · 26/09/2019 21:46

With my friend - it’s not that he “minds” his wife being part time now the twins are 9. It’s more than given the expectation was their mum would go full time when they were 5, he now just doesn’t see that it’s going to change when they’re 11 or 15 or leaning home. Whether he’s right I couldn’t say - but that’s what is annoying him - not the actual hours right now.

Quartz2208 · 26/09/2019 21:52

Ellisandra that is very simplified idea of parenting isnt it though that somehow once they are at school is fine.

I will say I work 21hours a week when they are at school but find juggling the needs of the children around that tough and going full time would be even harder. It just doesnt stop when they are at school

Ellisandra · 26/09/2019 21:58

I have a child at primary school @quartz2208 I know that it isn’t easy. I’m not suggesting for a moment that it is. I’m simply saying that if the husband had a fair expectation that they would both work full time (and I picked from starting school just as an imaginary date that might have been that expectation) that he may be annoyed that it hadn’t happened.

People are quick to say “oh but you save him money and hassle doing everything”, but my ex husband and I both worked full time, and we both contributed to everything else too.

The OP says her husband encouraged her to be a SAHM for 6 years. So it doesn’t sound like he hasn’t valued that in the past. Just he doesn’t value it NOW. I know if my husband said “I want to work part time, but I’ll do the cooking and cleaning”, I’d say thanks but no thanks. I’d rather we both worked and shared those tasks.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 26/09/2019 21:59

If you go back to work full time, will you make money with wraparound childcare? If not why does he want this? Or is there any other alternative eg family than can help agger school. Would he be willing to change his hours to start and finish slightly earlier or later to do before or after school so you can do the other? Or condense his hours? Or have the children all weekend on his own while you work?

If you can make it work logistically then is he going to do half of everything at home - tidying, cleaning, kids activities, meal planning, cooking, gardening, admin, etc etc.

I'd suggest you sit down and bottom all this out. Unless you have loads of spare time that he doesnt then hopefully you will be able to work something out .

Teddybear45 · 26/09/2019 22:00

But if it was agreed initially that one partner would work until school age then that is what should happen. I am also miffed about how people who stay at home or work reduced hours find it a struggle when plenty of parents work full time with school aged (and younger!) children without nannies or help. I am guessing it is often a case that being at home for a long time and not operating to someone else’s schedule makes a lot of people badly organised.

howyoulikemenow · 26/09/2019 22:10

Don't do more and make your illness worse. Tell him to fuck off if he doesn't like it.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 26/09/2019 22:10

It depends though what he is willing to change. A lot of men on here seem to expect their wife to work part time or not at all when their children are pre school. When their children are in school they expect their wife just to pick up where she left off. Which is easier said than done. It's hard to get flexible work after a long career break. The issue is that because the man has been working those 6 years, even if they had equal careers before, his will likely have progressed and she may have to go back in at a lower level. So the man says he wont change his hours etc or take days off when kids are sick etc as his career is now more important. And because house and kids are seen as the wife's job she now has to find flexible work, that pays for childcare, who dont mind when she has to take time off for kids stuff even though she has just started, while doing everything for the kids and house because her husband 'doesnt know how to'.
Massive generalisation I know but this seems to be the story a lot on here. If it was a case of everything else being equal then yes the mother should get a job with the same hours as the father, but it's often not the case

Span1elsRock · 26/09/2019 22:15

Then find full time work and hand over half the mental load to him.

But I think you'll find he will just find something else to belittle you with................

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