Not contributing enough?

[jarhead123]

My husband and I tend to have the same argument over & over again about money. He tells me repeatedly that I don’t contribute enough financially or otherwise (whatever that means)

I only work PT because we have kids (at school) and a dog we can’t leave for more than 4 hours. I can’t earn much more than minimum wage because I had kids young without a career behind me and I was a Sahm (which he encouraged) for 6 years.

Because I am around more i do all household tasks- shopping cooking cleaning , childcare , booking appointments etc you get the drift. I even put the bins out and cut the grass 😂

So anyway I feel I do my fair share. I’m also mid diagnosis for fibromyalgia so not running at 100% either.

He thinks I am taking the piss out of him though? AIBU?

Some men get like this when their partner’s get sick. Chances are he’s either worried about how he’s going to manage and taking it out on you, or he’s already written you off and may be searching for (or found) a replacement. You know him best so you may know which is more likely. He’s still a dick and you shouldn’t be taking these types of comments from him.

Utter bollocks. There is absolutely nothing the OP has written which could lead you to jump to these conclusions.

He thinks I am taking the piss out of him though? AIBU?

What exactly is it he thinks you should be doing to contribute more?

How old are the kids? With them being at school you’d only need wrap around childcare. Is that doable?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable in itself that he would like you to work F/T now the kids are older. BUT, he has to be willing to take on 50/50 responsibility for the house/kids if you did. No negotiating there.

If he isn’t willing to share those responsibilities the HIBU.

You're doing everything. .

He sounds like a complete arse, you should leave him and find a partner who values you. I think this is emotional abuse.

With them being at school you’d only need wrap around childcare

and 13 weeks worth of holiday to consider. I think you need to work out the extra money you would receive if you went full time which is never double part time wages, then work out how much it will cost for a dog walker and the extra childcare.

It probably isn't as much extra income as he thinks when everything is paid out. Then work out dividing up the housework, shopping, cooking, gardening, bins out and possibly how much time that would also cut into his free time. Maybe he just thinks about the money and not the practicalities of who is going to take today off because you have taken 2 days off already with a sick child, who is collecting the children from childcare etc.

I worked part time after Ds1 was born, then due to a relocation with Dh's job I stopped working. It wasn't planned and my health had deteriorated by that stage so it made sense for me to stay home. I have a degree but never really earned a graduate salary.

When we discussed me staying home Dh openly admitted he wouldn't want to come home and have to cook dinner, or do laundry, shop for food etc having had me do it for a while. I am more than happy to do that during the day. I feel loved by him and he is incredibly grateful for everything I do house-wise and childcare wise, which now that the boys are in sixth form/secondary school is more helping with revision, collecting them from clubs etc.

Your possibly diagnosis for fibro makes him an absolute dick to pressure you into working full time. Does he even understand what you must be feeling?

Work it out by percentage, I bet you are contributing he higher percentage. Every so often my Oh has a winge about it and I remind him that I pay more of my wages to the house and family than he does.

Oh God, I get this. I'm a child minder and he is on at me to get a full time job. I actually earn more than him at the moment, though it can fluctuate.
I also paid the deposit on the house and paid for all the renovations.

He wants me to go back to my high earning job, except I got made redundant from that and it was 10 years ago and we have nobody to ever look after the kids except the neighbour in an emergency. Two children in primary school. I do everything for the kids and work.

I would just go along with and start making plans. Start with drop off or pick up., which will you do every day?
Holidays, say which weeks you will have the kids all day?
Which days will you cook? Here is a list of chores, I've picked mine, you choose yours.
This is your share of childcare costs,

And so on.....

Morriseysquiff hold on you earn more and pay for more and he still has a go
Why are you putting up with thid

@Quartz2208

I know, he is clueless, I put up at the moment for the kids but I am working on an exit plan.

LTB!

Maybe he's literally ignorant of the reality, which is that jobs suitable for someone with school-age children who are not yet old enough to look after themselves for a couple of hours, and someone with few skills and several years away from the workforce, are really hard to come by.and usually poorly paid. In which case, sitting him down to discuss exactly how much extra money you would bring in (once the cost of after-school care and dog-sitters are covered) and how much extra domestic work he would need to do, might help him see that the current situation is actually better for the whole family.

And you could perhaps ask him what he is worried about (if he's always previously been a decent, loving partner) - is he scared that he might get sick or lose his job? The economic and political climate at present means that it's not silly or overly paranoid to be scared of sudden redundancy or the collapse of the company you work for.

Or would he just like there to be more money coming in, while not wanting to contribute any more effort? Or is it even that - could it just be that he prefers you to be anxious, defensive and upset and that;s what this constant pestering and bullying is about?

Bell end.

You both need to sit down, work out bills, rent, mortgage, insurances etc... and equate that with proportional earnings . He is clearly living on another planet to you and this needs to stop.

I am also miffed about how people who stay at home or work reduced hours find it a struggle when plenty of parents work full time with school aged (and younger!) children without nannies or help

So what do they do after school or in the holidays 'without help'? Children are at school between the hours of 9-3.30 ish for 195 days a year. They don't look after themselves outside those hours.

The irony of his comments. Would he be happy to take on half of all those tasks and the mental strain that goes with them if you worked?
It suited him then for you to be a SAHM and it probably does now, he just doesn't realise it at the moment.

Not for one second am I suggesting that there are not men who would willingly divide the domestic and family admin chores equally in order for their wife to work full time but he doesn't sound like one of them.

I would be angry if I did all that you do and my husband didn't think I contributed to the household.

Tell him if he is not happy he can sling his hook. I am so sick and tired of bloody men expecting the woman to.do absolutely everything for them. He sounds like an ungrateful fucker and I would seriously think of ending it. Let's see how he likes having to pay child support.

What a jackass (that's an insult to jackasses that I've known)

I completely agree with PP's, work out how much you'd need to spend on childcare including school holidays and a dog walker year-round. Let him know how much that'll all cost and say that you're quite willing to look for full-time work if you can actually make some money after all those expenses.

I think it would actually do him good to experience you working more hours and be forced to shoulder some household responsibilities. Is there any chance of your current workplace offering you some more hours? Could be worth experimenting if they can....

In Australia the average child care worker wage is $21.29 an hour and dog walker about $20 per hour.
Depending on the hours required this could add up to a lot.
Let him do the sums

He's clearly not in the real world. Fibromyalgia is a horrible condition and rather than extending empathy and support he's giving you a hard time? Has he always been like this or is this just a recent thing? Why is he kicking you when you're down? A supportive partner in the face of his wife going through fibromyalgia diagnosis would be finding ways to lighten her load surely? Awful behaviour and he should be absolutely ashamed of himself.

A lot of arguments tend to be fact flinging arguments, where neither party says anything untrue, but also doesn't really talk about what the problem is. Try telling him how you're feeling (I imagine quite scared by your health concerns and saddened by his behaviour) and what you need from him at the moment. Stick to using "I..." statements. Ask him to tell you his thoughts and feelings and what he needs from you, and ask him to do it in the same way. If needed, ask a mutual friend to moderate or find some counselling to help you through this process and this difficult period of time. If you use a friend, check with your partner first on who to use and arrange a time together so it isn't a shock and he doesn't feel ganged up on. Before having the conversation, have a conversation about having it so he can go away and prepare emotionally for it if he so chooses, which can help to stop it from turning into another argument. You may be surprised by the things he tells you this way. Good luck, and all the best.

Agree with @flirtygirl

he doesn't value your contribution at home because it's not 'paid' work and your p/t job is just pin money- not real money. He sounds like an absolutely ignorant cock tbh