To be paralysed by trying to do things perfectly. Can anyone relate?

[Pissoffperfectionism]

I exhaust myself. Am slightly embarrassed to think of it as perfectionism, because I always think of perfectionists as very high achievers with excellent standards!

Me, I am a chronic underachiever and cannot get general life properly organised. I do have adhd so wonder if this being paralysed by perfectionism is a weird part of it?

But. I agonise over minute details of nearly bloody EVERYTHING from stress trying to make the absolute sodding best ever choice and feeling utterly bamboozled. Then often end up either not doing the thing or else panicking and rushing the thing.

This is literally every area of my life - choosing the RIGHT groceries with the BEST value, or doing household tasks the RIGHT way, up to big life stuff. The thing is though sometimes I'm actually quite good at more obviously stressful big stuff because (I think) I do research everything so thoroughly so have a good grasp of whatever situation, and everyone else understands the level of pressure about big thing like for example a house move. But sometimes the wheels fall off the cart here too if there are too many admin steps.

Probably not explaining very well but wondered if anyone else felt their anxiety to always try to make the best decision ever got in the way?

bumping...

I have to say that this sounds a tiny bit like OCD to me. It doesn't always manifest itself in cleaning contrary to popular belief.

Am very similar Op. watching to see what others have to say

A friend of mine is diagnosed with adhd and you have described him to a T, he cannot make what seems to me to be a simple decision, ie, does he want to go home before or after lunch, because he has to weigh all the options of every decision. What will the traffic be like, who will be waiting for him at home, what will he have for lunch here and there, what will he miss at home if he stays for lunch, what will he miss if he goes home, not to mention does he want to stay. In the time he's deciding, we've missed lunch...

He does now take methylphenidate to help, as he says it enables him to focus on one thing for long enough to be able to do it. Do you get any support with your adhd?

YES. YES with bells on!!

This is me. Following for advice. Feels like I'm an expert self saboteur!

I second the thought that it sounds like an element of ocd, mainly because I have ocd and this was an element for me. I’m also a chronic underachiever, and couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery. I get so fixated on making everything perfect, that it’s overwhelming so I’ll procrastinate and leave it to the last minute so I’m unable to achieve perfection, basically sabotaging myself.

I’ve found limiting myself to a certain amount of time, or a certain number of options helps, and then forcing myself to make a decision based on what I’ve found, or for tasks that I have to do such as housework, giving myself a target of not being perfect but accepting clean enough, or surface tidy. I’m trying really hard to break the quest for perfection, given I know I’ll never achieve it anyway!

I sometimes wonder about OCD! I do have some contamination stress points that make me very tense, but it honestly never gets to the point where it totally rules my life.

Yes! It wasn't until I had bereavement counselling that I realised I'd spent my life never finishing things or sometimes never starting them because I wanted to do them perfectly. My constant need to meet (my self-emposed) high expectations, on top of grief and general life-crap, exhausted me to the point of collapse.

My counsellor helped me understand that the world would not end if I let things slide a bit. The funniest moment was when we'd agreed on a motto that I was going to put on the fridge "Great is good; done is better" and when she asked me the next week wherher I'd done it I had to admit that I hadn't because I couldn't decide on the best design...she pointed out the irony of this so I scribbled it in biro on a page torn from her pad and stuck it up when I got home. It's still there a year later and it makes me happy that I haven't needed to replace it with a beautifully designed version.

It's a lifetime habit that I'm trying to relax a bit so it's not easy, but she was right...the only person who expected perfection from me was me, and by giving myself permission to relinquish control and slacken off it actually means I'm more likely to finish things and be happy with them.

Have a look what FlyLady says about perfectionism. You may find some of it familiar!

Don't have any advice. I am like this and my DC is like this. I describe myself as a 'failed' perfectionist. If I cant do it perfectly I dont bother doing it at all, its paralysing and time consuming. Have tried all sorts of ways to get around it but nothing worked. Have accepted it now its depressing .

I have spent a lot of energy focusing my DC to cope with it, wont know until they are older if it has worked. Sorry I cant help. Good luck.

Following as I suspect I have ADHD
I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying.
Having a child brought me to a terrible place re perfectionism, I then had some sort of meltdown..I was too afraid to do anything as nothing seemed to be the right thing to do. Nothing was good enough. Was told it was Post Natal Anxiety and it took getting to that point (rock bottom) to re-set my brain so to speak. I was on ADs and Beta blockers for around 9months and they seem to have re balanced my brain. I am now a lot more chilled out and don’t care about most things. Not caring is so liberating. And since I let go of perfectionism I have a) achieved a lot more b) tried new things c) taken more risks d) not one terrible thing has happened

Some further thoughts

Perfectionism is a disease of people pleasing.

Perfectionism is the enemy of creativity (a famous quote)

Yes, can relate to that to a lesser degree. With me its definitely linked to my anxiety.

You might find the Brene Brown book "The Gifts of Imperfection" interesting reading.

My DH is like this, he can never choose what to eat in a restaurant because he’s worried that if he orders one thing something else might be better, then if I tell him I’m ordering one thing and change my mind he has to start choosing all over again. Then when the food arrives he sits moping because he’s worried he made the wrong choice. It’s utterly exhausting, I make him look at the menu before we leave the house and choose a 1st option and a 2nd option in case the first option isn’t available.

He does it with other things too, but eating out is the worst.

This is something I struggle with too. I’ve had no window coverings for nearly a year after getting my house painted because I can’t decide what I want (plus want I really want I can’t afford).

I’ve finally decided to just put up curtain rods and get cheapish pre-made curtains. I feel like such an idiot that I can’t make a decision over such a basic thing. If I change my mind it can be fixed.

Friend of mine at University used to call it “Analysis Paralysis”. Just thinking of that funny term helps me (sometimes) break out of the mindset and just get on with it. So does starting, but taking it slowly, so if I sense I’m doing something a bit off, I can quickly reverse course.

Oh forgot to add I’m on long term anti depressants for depression and anxiety.

My daughter has this,. It totally ruined her last year at school as she put so much pressure on herself. She's been diagnosed by a psychologist with toxic perfectionism which manifests as anxiety.

I have some similar tendancies but I have OCD, I'm not sure how similar (if at all) it is to ADHD as I'm not really clued up about that particular disorder but it could be worth looking into OP

Yup me too OP. It's really hindered my life. I kid you not - I dropped out of university three times due to this! I've never sought any kind of diagnosis but I always figured I have anxiety and it stemmed from that? I did manage to meet my self-imposed standards at uni eventually but it took a LOT of effort.

I thought I was getting somewhere since then - realizing things don't need to be perfect they just need to be done - but it's become quite bad again since my DC came along. Solidarity

I think the deal breaker as far as OCD is concerned, is the question are you striving for perfection because you feel like if you don't then something bad will happen? Like, for me, if I don't wash my hands I will be contaminated and make my daughter sick. If I don't wash and clean the house until it's spotless then ditto...not because I like a clean house (although of course I do) I do it because I'm worried about killing my family. That's OCD for you!

Sometimes you just need to stop, breathe and recite to yourself:

the perfect is the enemy of the good

Good enough is enough.

You've just described me! No idea how to change though. Glad to know it's not just me.