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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off?

43 replies

RealhousewifeofEngland · 26/09/2019 20:23

I’ve just got home and had a blazing row with “DH” about the state of the house. He has been working from home all day. I got home to find the dishwasher overflowing with dirty stuff as he hadn’t put it on. Dirty cups, yoghurt pots lying around. Dirty baking trays left in the oven. Kids school uniforms still in the dryer from where I put them in this morning. We had tradesmen in first thing this morning and they’ve moved some furniture - it’s still where they moved it.

DH is just lying on the bed watching tv. When I got mad for the fact he clearly hasn’t lifted a finger all day he claimed he was “going to do it”. But it’s the same story every time I go out. He wouldn’t have done it. He’d have left it and then gone off to work in the morning. So I’d end up doing it, which is exactly what has happened tonight. Otherwise I’d get up in the morning to complete chaos. No clean things to make breakfast, kids not dressed because they can’t find their uniform etc.

I’m just so fed up of feeling like nothing gets done unless I do it, or nag him to do it.

OP posts:
Intheupsidedown · 26/09/2019 21:36

How old are your kids?

formerbabe · 26/09/2019 21:45

How old are DC? And do you both work full time?

highinthesky · 26/09/2019 21:47

YANBU. He worked from home so could have put the time he saved on the commute to good use.

He needs training, and fast.

Alfiesmom15 · 26/09/2019 21:48

I feel you I physically have to write my partner a list and half of it might get done. But it's better then nothing.... its rediculous these man children.... although I put something similar few weeks ago and I was told to buy more cutlery because apparently 6 for 2 people isn't enough.... maybe a list might help yours (make it bigger to make sure most get done )

Original poster
RealhousewifeofEngland · 26/09/2019 21:48

Not sure how the age is the kids is relevant but 4 and 6. We both work.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 26/09/2019 21:52

Age of DC is relevant. It's hard to do housework if you have babies and toddlers and easier if you have older DC.

Was he not working today?

Original poster
RealhousewifeofEngland · 26/09/2019 21:55

Yes he was working from home all day. The kids were at school for most of it and were in bed at 7pm. So that’s no excuse for his laziness.

OP posts:
marblesgoing · 26/09/2019 22:11

I'd be bloody livid aswel op.

I've just work a 12.5 hour shift,didn't get home til nearly nine o clock.

Dh was home in time to pick up dd 1 from her after school club at 4.30 pm while mil picked up dd2 from school.

He went out to work at 3 am this morning but between him getting in at just before five he's done pack ups,cooked his lunch for tomorrow and put something In for me for my tea when I got in,emptied the bins and recycle boxes,made sure dc have uniforms for tomorrow ,fed the animals and generally tidied up before going to bed at 7.30pm for another really early start.
He also put my pjs in bathroom for me so I can jump straight in the shower when I got in.

I seem to be told a lot that I'm lucky that he does these things but it's notlucky.
It's the other adult in the house doing their bit to look after the family and day to day running like I do.

I'd be kicking him right up the ass op

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/09/2019 22:22

He was working from home all day (rather interrupted by tradesmen in the morning), then he presumably picked up kids from school, fed them and got them to bed. I think I might have felt like a break before starting again on the housework.

VladmirsPoutine · 26/09/2019 23:32

Yanbu. But I don't know what you can feasibly do other than nag him which will in turn make him think of you as just a nag!

Can you establish a routine of jobs between you both so rather than relying on him to be a sensible adult you can point to the calendar and declare "Tuesday was your day to wash the children's clothes and you haven't done it!" or "Thursday you're supposed to make dinner and sort out the dishes" etc etc.. So try to bring some sort of structure into things rather than depending on him to magically see that things need doing.

I know you shouldn't have to but it would make life easier. All else being equal I don't think this is a LTB offence before someone comes along to tell you to LTB!

Intheupsidedown · 27/09/2019 06:37

The age of the DC was relevant also because I was wondering if they were old enough to help with the chores meaning you could have left the uniform etc for them to sort out etc but at that age they arent.

He is lazy and I would think left the things knowing full well you would do it.

Me and dh have a routine for mornings, and then on his childcare day I leave a list of things I know need doing (wipe round the bathroom, washing etc) I do less work so alot more falls to me but things like bins going out he will generally do unless I am there and remember to do it first.

It's stupid you will have to treat him like a child but perhaps a list of chores actually written down of things he needs to do and then if they arenr done remind him that in the morning he is going to have to still do it. Only you know what may work though. Some men dont react well to being told or a list or their dw having a strop at them but then some men do.

I am lucky that my dh spent alot of time on his own before meeting me so is used to doing some stuff but I am not sure they understand the mental load that most women generally take on especially when their are children and all the things we end up having to think about let alone the actual doing.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 27/09/2019 06:49

He was working too?

I work from home, I’m not there to do the housework all day! I do bits if I can but if not we all do it in the evening.

MoodyBitch · 27/09/2019 07:06

There is no reason why he couldn't have set the dishwasher going. Takes er, less than a minute to put tablet in and turn it on.
Ten minutes to tidy and wipe down worktops.
Ten minutes to remove and fold uniforms from dryer.
In all, less than 30 mins work.
So yes, he could have got that squared away.
Many years ago, I walked in from work to find dirty crockery piled up on the worktops above an otherwise empty dishwasher once too often. I picked the lot up and slung it out of the back door, where it stayed smashed until he swept it all up.
After that, the dirty crockery was put in the dishwasher without fail.
I get the working from home bit, but you still have to have something if a routine, just the same as if you were actually leaving the house to work.

Aprilsinparis · 27/09/2019 07:07

You are married to a bigamyst😕

Angrybird123 · 27/09/2019 07:24

Oh poor man, picking up kids, working AND expected to flick a switch on an appliance? 🙄 Most WOHM do all that and more every day. If he was in bed when the op came in he had had time to do at least some of the jobs. A quick tidy in the kitchen while the kettle boils is not remotely problematic.. Or died working from home mean he doesn't have a coffee all day? Pathetic behaviour.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 27/09/2019 07:28

He was working from home. It wasn't a day off. One of my pet hates is being asked why I haven't done the housework on a work day.

SorryCat · 27/09/2019 07:29

I don't plonk myself in bed until everything is done op so I'm with you. When I get up in the morning to start the day prior to newborn, I'd empty dishwasher while I did dc breakfast and packed lunch. Clothes already put out night before. Dirty morning dishes can then go straight in. I'd sometimes put a washing load on for when I returned from school drop off.
Take dc to school and come home. Hoover and do quick house tidy. Hang out washing. Pick up dc from school and empty school bag and lunchbox. Do dc homework and snack.
Dh would make dinner and I'd get told I'm lucky.. but it is me who then cleans up the kitchen as it's destroyed then did dc bath and bedtime.

If my dh has to do it like after I gave birth it's just dc breakfast and packed lunch made and mess left on the side and table. Dishwasher left.
Dc gets picked up and lunchbox left in bag. Tv on. Homework not started. Uniform not put in washing machine so we have run out before end of week. Dinner started late because I haven't said start it. Mess left.
This means that I have to hand baby to him and run around like a heedless chicken frantically trying to sort mess and homework or washing.
When I worked full time and dh didnt work i wound come in after a late shift and clean toilets and kitchen etc and wonder why it was left.

Working from home means no commute and I am sorry but you can put away some dishes or a load of washing as it really doesn't take long. I'd be annoyed to if I got in and had to start the cleaning who l e someone lay in bed. Did he get up and help?

PurpleDaisies · 27/09/2019 07:32

Putting the dishwasher on is an easy job, and stuff should have been stacked by the sink or put in the bin as he used it.

Presumably he has actually been working for the day though? Expecting housework is a bit much. I don’t think no commute automatically means more time for housework.

PurpleDaisies · 27/09/2019 07:35

It does sound like you need a fairer split on housework in general though.

Vulpine · 27/09/2019 07:38

Age of kids not that relevant. What ever age your kids are you can still do basic housework. Yanbu

LittleLongDog · 27/09/2019 07:39

What an absolute manchild.

If it were me I’d be wanted to have a proper sit down 50/50 discussion about housework. Sometime we were both calm and could concentrate on it properly.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/09/2019 07:40

I work from home and get right royally pissed off when people assume I can get all the chores done... I'm working, the whole 'working' from home should give it away.

'However' before he started watching tv he should have sorted the dishwasher, clothes etc. If you'd have got home at 5 and he was still working I'd have said YABU, but as it was 7 and he was watching telly, yanbu.

hiddenworlds · 27/09/2019 07:50

So whilst working from home he

Managed tradesman
Took children to and from school
Cared for children after school

Sounds like he had already skived off enough during the day.

Vulpine · 27/09/2019 07:58

I work away from home and still manage to do alot of those things. If i worked from home it would make doing those things a lot easier.

RavenLG · 27/09/2019 08:14

You are married to a bigamyst
What does this even mean?

He may have been working from home but you wouldn’t leave work for the day with yogurt pots and dirty coffee cups all over your desk. He also doesn’t have a commute to deal with so the 30 seconds it would have taken to sling rubbish into the bin is negligible. OP also posted this at 8.30pm, given she said she had not long got in and the kids were in bed at 7pm he had an hour or so to do 30 minutes max of tidying. OP has said it’s a trend, this isn’t a one off occasion where DP isn’t pulling his weight so again the working from hone card just doesn’t cut it.

I think the wider issue is that OP feels like she is constantly picking up for a man that doesn’t want to help. You need a frank and honest discussion about this OP as it’s going to lead to future arguments.