How much should you go out if you have children?

[thepeopleversuswork]

Just wanted to get an idea of how other people approach this.

I'm a lone parent with an 8 year old DD and going out is difficult and expensive for me but I insist on trying to maintain some social life partly for my own sanity and also to keep in touch with friends. (I also have to go out fairly frequently for work).

I want not to go out so much that it upsets or destabilises my daughter as I want to spend as much quality time with her as I can -- I work long hours anyway and she is in a lot of childcare so I feel I need to put a premium on time with her. Plus its bloody expensive as I essentially have to pay someone whenever I leave my house without her. (DD's father isn't able to supervise her for legal reasons. I occasionally can ask friends to help out but have to pick my battles here in order not to wear people's patience out. No other family close enough to help.)

My general rule of thumb is to avoid two week nights out back to back, to try to limit if possible to one night out a week and have no more than one weekend night out of the house. Inevitably this rule sometimes has to be broken but I try to stick to that where I can.

This week for reasons too complicated to go into I ended up with a night out with friends on Tuesday and a work function which I had to attend on Wednesday. The Wednesday one was non-negotiable.

I try to talk to my DD at the beginning of each week so she knows roughly what to expect in terms of childcare patterns etc. On Monday I said I was going to be out Tuesday and Wednesday. She was fine with it then but on Tuesday morning she said she didn't want me to go out two nights in a row. I cancelled the Tuesday night with friends.

I was totally happy to do this but I thought about it afterwards and wondered if it was the right thing to do. I work like a nutter so in a best case scenario I only have a couple of hours with her a day during the week and I am conscious of wanting to be present for her when I can. On the other hand seeing friends is important and I don't want her to feel that she gets to veto my social life. She's always with a trusted babysitter and I'm pretty sure she would have been fine had I gone out anyway.

Leaving the financial element to one side for now, I need to figure out what the best balance is for her and me. I don't really know what the right and wrong answer is and sometimes don't trust my own instincts here: just curious as to what other people's rules are here.

Never had ‘rules’. As much or as little as we wanted. Some weeks were manic then we’d have a few quiet weeks. I certainly wouldn’t cancel a night because my child ‘didn’t want me to go out’

I think “should” is the wrong word, people can go out as little or as much as they like as long as it doesn’t cause them personally or the people they love to feel any detriment.

I go out twice a week, usually just to the cinema or friends. DP does the same. The DC are secure with that because it’s always been the same but if they weren’t, I probably wouldn’t go until they did feel secure and then get back to my usual routine once I’d figured out what was bothering them about mummy going out.

I think in your situation I really would try to avoid 2 nights in a row. If you've got a work thing, plan the social things with a little distance between them. But you should definitely be going out sometimes!

I think avoiding back to back nights out during the week is a good idea and obviously work would take precedence. Can friends come to see you, wine and takeaway kind of thing? Can you arrange to meet friends after your dd has gone to bed (Sorry if that's ridiculous -my dc are younger)?

Obviously different parents have different ideas and it's up to them what they do. Personally, I think you were right to avoid 2 nights in a row as my youngest DC would be upset by this too. He has additional needs so needs routine more than others, but even my DC2, who is neuro-typical, was rubbish with me going out, therefore I tried to limit it to 1 night a week and friends would come to me for movie night/food/ catch up.

She won't be little for long.

I wouldn’t discuss with her at the start of the week that you were going to be out, I would have just told her that morning. It sounds like she mulled over and maybe worked herself up over you saying you were going to be out two nights in a row. As long as your there more than you’re not i think just play it by ear. However, your daughter shouldn’t have a say in when you go out as you deserve time off too!

I’m also a single parent with a DD the same age.
I’m as far from a “mummy martyr” as you can get and think it’s really important, particularly for single parents, to make an effort with their own social lifes.

For me that’s tapered down dramatically though what with taking her to evening activities, parties and stuff at the weekends. Plus she’s at an age now where I genuinely really love her company.

I go to a festival or weekend away once a year and a few gigs dotted throughout, other than that it’s more like every few months.

The years are zipping by and soon enough she’ll be too busy with her own little life and friends so I have really curtailed it all for now but I feel it would have naturally curtailed anyway.

I think it depends a bit if on the nights out she gets to sleep ok, if not I wouldn’t do two nights in a row. Same goes for how much you see her if you’re going out. Do you still get a chance for a decent chat with her?

I'm also a single mum with an 8 year old son and I would never let him dictate how often I go out! It's my life not his. I have choir once a week and will go out when and if I can afford it, feel like it, am invited.

I'm a single parent with dc 6 and 9. I go out about twice a year without dc. I can't imagine going out on a 'school night' I'd be knackered the next day lol. Go out as often as it suits you though.

When I had just the 1 DS I used to see friends weekly whilst he stayed out with family.

When 2nd DS came along that stopped completely. Noone wants to babysit two! So now it's about once every six weeks.

There is no right or wrong.

I'm not a single parent, so this makes my need to "go out" less as I have another adult at home, but I go out more like twice per year than twice per week!

I was away with work in June and did go out 4 nights in a row then! But I was away, several hundred miles from home, anyway :D

I work and study and have 3 kids, tbh I cba and I keep up with friends locally just informally chatting when we bump into one another, or via messenger, and friends further away I'm a bit rubbish at keeping up with but it's mainly via messenger or with kids in tow if they are friends with similar age kids

DH and I met for lunch the other day as we had to attend an appointment together before - we work almost 70 miles apart (commute in opposite directions) so this virtually never happens. DH pointed out that we could start going out for dinner sometimes as the eldest is 14 and could babysit the youngest, who is 8. We haven't been out together in the evening in years, but we'll start soon I think.

I do work shifts including nights, so it's not that I'm always home, just that if I'm out its usually work. DH doesn't really go out much either.

We've never used a babysitter - we did actually try to find one about 6 years ago but drew a blank! We live very rurally and the only two older teens in the village who babysit wouldn't babysit more than two children at once, even if in bed already...

My mil used to live an hour away and have the children to sleep over once per school holidays, even for two nights, but rarely all 3 at once, usually 2 and then 1. That was a nice change of pace but not child free time. She sadly died several years ago and we have no other family close by.

There's no should anyway, you have to find a balance. I'd think once per week would be fair given the long working hours and limited free time available for your daughter, but it's not up to anyone but you two. Obviously if she misses you that's worth listening to and resolving one way or another. Does she have one regular babysitter she has a bind with?

I recommend having a visual
Schedule for the week up some where. We have a calendar in the kitchen that details dd’s Week, including any times parents will be out. It helps with predictability and a sense of stability.

A bond not bind!

Given she doesn’t see you in the day because you work lots of hours, and that she has no other supervising parent, it seems rather a lot to be out twice weekly.

It sounds like your DD is not happy being left with babysitters a few nights a week and would rather be at home with you. You are her whole world, her security her everything and if she needs more of you right now, I think you should listen. It's not about being dictated to it's about balancing your DDs needs with your own.

I'm also a single parent of a dc similar age. Ex-h has one day a weekend, on average, so I have that to work.

I have to be out one evening a week for work, so I won't see dc that day except before school - asleep by the time I get home. Other than that I do all the school drop offs and pick ups so I'm with dc 4 nights a week (some of which are taken up with extra curricular activities).

I go out socially maybe once every two - three months. A couple of other times I manage to have social time during the school day, when work allows.

I don't think there's a 'should' about it, it's what works for the two of you. I wouldn't be happy leaving dc in the evenings given that I already have to be out once a week. But that's what works for us. Your family is not mine.

I am in a similar situation to you, OP.
Single parent to a 10 yo, work full time, try and maintain my friendships alongside managing the things I have to do for work.

I don't have evening work events, but do travel abroad for work once or twice a year.

I mostly manage by getting sitters who my son loves (e.g. the 15 yo lad up the road who's happy to play Fifa on the Xbox until bed time), or I join social gatherings once my son is in bed so arrive a bit late.

I guess it works out at maybe once every three weeks or so.

But then when I go away for work I'll be away for over a week and DS needs to go and stay with someone for the duration.

I also have friends just come over for tea and chats in the evening, which is a change from the usual evening routine.

I agree with @InDubiousBattle. If you have single friends could they come over one evening for a movie night/girly catch up? Or if you have friends with children maybe a sleepover if you have the room at the weekend?
There is no right or wrong answer and of course you're entitled to go out when you want, you work hard but as your daughter is in childcare alot maybe you could compromise the odd night. As pp said, they're only little once and when you get to the teenage years when your own DD (15) wouldn't care/know if you left the country for days as long as there was food in the fridge and cupboards and the ironing fairy had been then you realise how quickly these precious years go. .
I think it's great that you're giving your DD a good work ethic for the future though

Oh I forgot to say, I also have a 20yo son who doesn't live at home, but when he is visiting will mind DS2 now and again.

BackInTime I agree with you. I am able to go out a bit more these days than I could a couple of years ago when DS2 was really unsettled. We have since had a rearrangement of the Child Arrangement Order whereby DS2 rarely sees his Dad. It means I rarely get a break, but that is a very, very small price to pay for my son being more settled and happy.

Yes, for a while he DID 'dictate' what I did. He needed to know he was my absolute priority. I think he was testing me at times. Some things I had to (work) but my social life took a nose dive. My friends understood.

It's like attachment parenting, but for older kids - give them what they need and they will then feel more secure.

You go out as often or infrequently can.

We all deserve a bit of fun and adult company sometimes. IHowever I agree with you and your daughter that going out on two consecutive evenings is not quite the thing.

There's no rule obviously. It sounds like you go out a lot though.
Far more than I do and I have a DH and involved grandparents.

Twice a week sounds a lot to me, but then I’m not very sociable It sounds like your general rule works usually but I do think 2/3 nights a week with a babysitter is a lot. Are you home for bedtime or on those nights does she not see you at all from school to bedtime?

My mum was a single mum and I was in childcare 5 days a week- and hated it (but there was no helping it and my dc will be in ft childcare too). She didn’t go out in the evenings though and I think I would have felt quite upset if she did that regularly. I don’t really think it’s fair on the child to go or twice a week. I understand once a week, for your sanity.

At the end of the day, she’s not dictating your life- you chose to have her.