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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How much should you go out if you have children?

49 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 26/09/2019 12:50

Just wanted to get an idea of how other people approach this.

I'm a lone parent with an 8 year old DD and going out is difficult and expensive for me but I insist on trying to maintain some social life partly for my own sanity and also to keep in touch with friends. (I also have to go out fairly frequently for work).

I want not to go out so much that it upsets or destabilises my daughter as I want to spend as much quality time with her as I can -- I work long hours anyway and she is in a lot of childcare so I feel I need to put a premium on time with her. Plus its bloody expensive as I essentially have to pay someone whenever I leave my house without her. (DD's father isn't able to supervise her for legal reasons. I occasionally can ask friends to help out but have to pick my battles here in order not to wear people's patience out. No other family close enough to help.)

My general rule of thumb is to avoid two week nights out back to back, to try to limit if possible to one night out a week and have no more than one weekend night out of the house. Inevitably this rule sometimes has to be broken but I try to stick to that where I can.

This week for reasons too complicated to go into I ended up with a night out with friends on Tuesday and a work function which I had to attend on Wednesday. The Wednesday one was non-negotiable.

I try to talk to my DD at the beginning of each week so she knows roughly what to expect in terms of childcare patterns etc. On Monday I said I was going to be out Tuesday and Wednesday. She was fine with it then but on Tuesday morning she said she didn't want me to go out two nights in a row. I cancelled the Tuesday night with friends.

I was totally happy to do this but I thought about it afterwards and wondered if it was the right thing to do. I work like a nutter so in a best case scenario I only have a couple of hours with her a day during the week and I am conscious of wanting to be present for her when I can. On the other hand seeing friends is important and I don't want her to feel that she gets to veto my social life. She's always with a trusted babysitter and I'm pretty sure she would have been fine had I gone out anyway.

Leaving the financial element to one side for now, I need to figure out what the best balance is for her and me. I don't really know what the right and wrong answer is and sometimes don't trust my own instincts here: just curious as to what other people's rules are here.

OP posts:

seaweedandmarchingbands · 26/09/2019 16:17

And although I agree that children shouldn’t consciously be able to dictate your life, really, they do, don’t they? They have needs, not just wants, and one of their needs is security.

crimsonlake · 26/09/2019 16:33

2 nights out a week sounds a lot to me considering your babysitting issues and from a financial perspective. Who does the regular babysitting? However if it works for you then do what suits.

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 16:37

There has been weeks when I didn't see my kids - going home too late and they were already asleep. I honestly don't believe for a second that's an issue.

When they are little, I do find it easier to tell them and not ask for their views on things like that, it's easier for them to accept that mummy and daddy have to work. Same for going out really.

Anothernotherone · 26/09/2019 16:46

FrauHaribo were there weeks (more than once in a blue moon) when your children didn't see either of their parents?
Do you think, seriously, that that is a complete non issue? If so, you are most certainly not someone to take parenting advice from!

Original poster

thepeopleversuswork · 26/09/2019 16:47

Thanks everyone. It feels like there's no hard and fast rule.

I agree with those of you who say that two nights in a row "feels" wrong. It's an instinctive thing, rather than anything I can prove. I also just don't want to be away from her that much.

One perspective I bring to it is that my mum didn't work (my parents remained married until her death) and had no social life whatsoever outside of that dictated to her by my dad. She literally didn't have any of her own female friends and was clearly bored out of her tree and and frustrated by being a SAHM. Because my life is sometimes like wading through treacle I massively value my network and feel that I need to work at it. So I think its really important for single mothers in particular to have a social life. But I sometimes wonder if I swing a bit too far in the opposite direction.

Interesting to have these viewpoints though.

OP posts:

Original poster

thepeopleversuswork · 26/09/2019 16:50

crimsonlake I have two regular babysitters, both of whom live locally and both of whom she has known for at least 18 months (three years on one case). Both have childcare qualifications. I literally couldn't function without them. In theory I am expected to do work-related things at least once a fortnight (in practice it is less). It's a culture where client entertainment/networking is very much part of success.

This means that seeing friends is additionally complicated because everything has to be staggered etc.

Financial aspect isn't really an issue tbh.

OP posts:

TabbyMumz · 26/09/2019 16:51

Probably gone out once in 5 years!!! I think once we had kids, because we both worked we wanted to go out with them as a family during the day at the weekend, and then just stay in as a family in the evening. I've only really started going out on my own for meals with colleagues recently, and the kids are teenagers now.

Original poster

thepeopleversuswork · 26/09/2019 16:53

TabbyMumz I felt like that when I was married. Bit different if you're a LP.

OP posts:

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 16:53

were there weeks (more than once in a blue moon) when your children didn't see either of their parents?

where did you read they didn't see either of their parents in my post?

But yes, there are weeks where I have been sent for 2 or 3 nights somewhere, weeks where I or DH - or both - worked late, weeks where we wanted to be home - at least one of us - but the trains were fucked and it took us hours to make it home.

Why is it ok for parents to take a holiday without their kids but not to have to work? It has never been an issue for me when I was a child, it's not an issue for my own kids, why is it an issue for you?

Toddlers can stay up later and sleep later in the morning, but when kids start school, they need to sleep. Shock horror!

Anothernotherone · 26/09/2019 17:09

FrauHaribo I asked because I assumed that in your rush to assert that it was not an issue that your children didn't see you for entire weeks you were forgetting that the OP is a lone parent (genuinely line in that the father only sees the child under supervision and is therefore not a parent). One parent being unavailable while the other is there for the child/ children is (or may be - may not be, depending on the entirety of the situation) a non issue.

Both parents regularly being completely absent from their children's waking lives for entire weeks on a regular basis most certainly is an issue (especially if the children are young enough for secure attachment still to be developing but also where they are old enough to be aware that their parents could choose to spend one or two evenings with them but chose to see friends despite being away every other evening for work) whether you want to believe that or not. The fact you're apparently conditioned to that set up doesn't make it a good idea.

Parents going on holiday without children would be a once in a blue moon thing, presumably - if it was 5 weeks a year then of course it wouldn't be fine.

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 17:15

so a parent in the military cannot be a good parent for you?
A shift worker can't either?
A teacher with 3 nights in a row of parents evenings?

I never said that the OP should go out every night of the week, but twice in a row, exceptionally, no sorry, can't see the issue.

A parent is not completely absent from their child's life because he misses a few bedtimes, what a lot of bollocks. I know on MN everybody has that famous 9 to 4 job and everybody has tea as a family, but in the real world, people have lives out of their home and still manage to have a very happy and healthy family life.

What's next? Parents shouldn't both work but one must stay home at all time? Kids don't feel any less loved and safe because their parent is going out twice in a row! If they are, there's something very wrong on how they are raised.

Whattodoabout · 26/09/2019 17:19

No right or wrong provided you’re not going out every single night!

I haven’t been out with DH since before our youngest was born almost 11 months ago . Haven’t been out with friends since then either, I just don’t feel comfortable leaving him yet.

GaudyNight · 26/09/2019 17:20

God, as often as you can. It's key to a good work/life balance and to good parenting as well.

Anothernotherone · 26/09/2019 17:21

FrauHaribo you are determined to throw your toys out of the pram and shout only in Mumsnet aren't you? Have you actually read the post you are replying to?

Original poster

thepeopleversuswork · 26/09/2019 17:23

whattodoaboutit that's understandable. I didn't feel comfortable going out at all until she was about one.

I think in a weird way the fact that I have gone out reasonably regularly since she was fairly small has helped in that it has habituated her to it. If I had left it until now to do it at all I think it would have been harder to adjust to. Not saying whether that's right or wrong btw. But I think children adjust to their reality.

OP posts:

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 17:24

Anothernotherone
what exactly is your problem? I am replying to your post but because you are wrong, I am "throw your toys out of the pram and shout"?
I have done neither.

You seem to have a very strong issue with people having a different opinion, maybe you should stay away from forum for a while instead of making personal attacks for no reason?

Original poster

thepeopleversuswork · 26/09/2019 17:26

Interesting to get such a broad range of views btw. Its fascinating to see how divergent people's views are on this.

OP posts:

SimonJT · 26/09/2019 17:30

I’m a lone parent. I’m very lucky as my cousin has my son over night every fourish weeks.

I do occasionally use a babysitter, I however stay in until around 6:30pm so he does get some evening time with me. I am going to start having a babysitter once a week until my boyfriend can start coming over.

I socialise a lot, but I tend to just take my son with me.

FrauHaribo · 26/09/2019 17:37

I honestly don't think even a lone parent shouldn't be allowed to go to the gym or other one or 2 evenings a week, providing they have family or friend childcare available. Being a good parent has never meant you had to stay at home at all times.

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 26/09/2019 17:48

There is no right or wrong answer here, just what's right for you.

We probably went out without the kids maybe once every three months or so, but we're more 'socialising in friends houses with kids in tow' kind of people in my social circle.

Beautiful3 · 26/09/2019 17:51

I would avoid 2 nights in a row. It's nice that she can tell you how she feels about it. Think just once a week would be fair until shes older.

raspberryk · 26/09/2019 19:43

It was pretty much only when they went to their dads for me and any other time Id get people to come to me. If it was an important event I would organise family or close friend to babysit which was rare.

I would say once every other week was what I managed and I wouldn't have done any more.

Whatevskev · 29/09/2019 11:48

Given you don’t see much of her on the weekdays at all I wouldn’t be going out one weeknight and one weekend night every week at all let alone two days on the trot.

I loathed being left with a sitter even tho I quite liked them. It just felt less like home. It wasn’t even about considering mum needed a social life or missing her or whatever, just that home felt better when we were both in it.

Your daughter must spend a lot of time in clubs and childcare etc if you work long hours so I’d take that as being her contribution and concession and not expect her to facilitate you having what is actually a better social life than vast majority of people I know- single parents or otherwise.

sunshineandshowers21 · 29/09/2019 11:54

me and my partner tend to go out around 2/3 times a month, either together or with friends. we don’t really have babysitters though because our nights out are normally saturday nights and my mum has all three kids to sleep every saturday. i don’t think i’d go out two nights in a row though, especially if the kids were with a babysitter.

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